Not Fit for Graduation
Did I ever mention that it’s not the greatest idea to have children before you’re married?
And I reiterate this message, because no matter what age the child is, there will always be some type of shitty mess that you’ll have to deal with; and the only thing you can really do is accept it for what it is because it’s a decision that you (or I specifically)decided to make.
I think I mentioned in an older post that my oldest is 17. He currently does not live with me — he lives with his grandmother down south because I believed that it would be a better place for him to do high school considering the hell that he put me through during his time in middle school.
I’m not saying at all that my son is a bad kid. He’s actually very smart; in fact, too smart for his own good. But he had this really bad habit of telling me that he was doing his homework when he really wasn’t. And he also had this bad habit of “not hearing his alarm” when it would go off in the mornings on the one day of the week that I had to work, and therefore missing his school bus. He must have practiced that habit once a week, until one day, I told him to get his ass up anyway and walk the two miles to school — that he was not going to stay home and play Xbox all day just because he missed the damn bus.
It was hard to keep up with my son, and I found him to be turning into quite the manipulator. But between work, my school, his younger brother, and my extremely soft heart, I was not able to be the effective disciplinarian that he needed me to be.
So because it had already been a constant battle for my son’s affection between me and my mother since she met him at 10 months of age, my son was more than willing to go with her down south for high school, and I was more than willing to let him go. I was gonna miss him, but I didn’t want to lose him to the streets if there was someone else who was willing to help, no matter how severely damaged the relationship was between me and my mother.
It’s been almost two years to this day since I last saw my son. But he’s been working, tying up loose ends so he can start college next year, and also preparing to ship off to boot camp for the Army Reserves (oh, and there was that fight that he and my husband had gotten into two years ago because of the whole drinking ‘thing’, which is another story for another day). So I don’t hold that against him. But now his graduation is coming up and I have yet to receive an invite. I texted him casually about it the other day (he only does text messages with me), and he proceeded to tell me that he was going to invite my father and his new wife, his grandmother, and his younger brother’s father.
Big mistake on so many levels.
First of all, my father and his new wife. My father has not been that involved in my son’s life. And I guess it’s not totally his fault; he’s all the way in another state. But he also sent me to a home for pregnant women when I was pregnant with this same son. But more importantly, my mother hates him. Hates my father with every cell in her body. I don’t know what happened centuries ago when they were still married, but when I tell you that my mother can hold a grudge, I mean that shit with every cell in my body. And if she’s not over what happened between her and him, she definitely would not be able to stomach seeing him with another woman.
Second of all, my nine-year-old’s father. Really? Yes, his father was in and out of my oldest son’s life…practically the only father he’s ever known. And he is a good father to our nine-year-old; I won’t take that away from him. But he also used to beat the shit out of me back in the day. One of those times, my oldest had to call the police…and after the very last time, the father went to jail for assault charges. While I have moved on, I am still a married woman and inviting him would be a conflict of interest; plus, for good reason, my mother has never liked him, either.
And third of all, why did my son not mention me as one of the invitees first and foremost? His response? He didn’t think I would have the money to fly down there. Not to mention, my mother has not invited me to come and stay with her, anyway. She may decide to let me know about the graduation, but she damn sure won’t invite me to stay inside her house. It just is what it is, and I’m OK with that. But I was kind of hurt to know that instead of thinking of me first, he thought of others who really don’t matter at all. Sorry to say.
I kindly let my son know that he was crazy for the invitation list he put together. I warned him to be careful. That even though his grandmother has her crazy ways, she still did A LOT for him, and that she is basically the only one who should be considered when inviting anyone. Who cares that she shouldn’t hold a grudge against anyone, and who cares that it’s his graduation? She was the one who was there for him day in and day out while he attended high school, and because of it, he is now off to college and the military. Grandad and his new wife did not get him there, and definitely not my other son’s father.
But he kindly let me know in so many words to stay out of it because it’s his graduation and he’ll do what he wants to do. He even informed me that my mother had told him one day that I was a “slut” and he believed that the only reason she took him in was to get back at me. So for me to instruct him to consider his grandmother’s feelings on his graduation day was basically bull-shit to him.
I mean, what could I say to that? He could be right. Through the years, my mother has told my son so many stories about me and has made it seem like I was a sorry mother. But back then, he relished all of the attention my mom gave him and he learned how to use that against me… all because she could afford to buy him more than I could. But now, the same woman he teamed up with is the same woman he’s now fighting against. But because his mind has been so tainted, he probably really doesn’t see me as a fit enough mother to attend his graduation.
So you know what? I left it alone. What am I gonna do? Beg to be invited? My son has more respect for those who never sacrificed for him and he has no respect for me because of what my mother’s saturated his brain with for years; the relationship between him and my husband is just about done with; and let’s be honest, I would have four other plane tickets to pay for plus my own and a hotel room to search for that would accommodate all of us because the last time my mother and I had been in the same room together must’ve been at least ten years ago. So maybe it is best that he didn’t think of inviting me. And you know what, I’m OK with that, knowing that he at least made it to his high school graduation and he is off to better things.
I’m just concerned about the sister and three other brothers, one of whom he has not met yet, that really miss him. I did not grow up in a close-knit family and this is why I have always made sure that my children know that they’re family and they’re supposed to be there for one another, no matter what.
But this is also why I say that if you can help it, have those kids when you get married, because if you don’t, more times than not, you’re just opening yourself up to worlds of bull-shit that are better left undiscovered.