June 8th, 2017 — Non-fiction piece [3]

I want to look good by getting fit.

Why do you want to look good by getting fit?

Because everyone on Instagram posted really hot pictures, especially the transformation pictures and the ones from fitness trainer.

Why do you want to be like them?

Because they are hot in my opinion and also because I give a fuck. Because I am willing to suffer through the habits of working out everyday and pushing myself so I can look like them.

Why does it matter?

I crave people’s attention. Maybe it’s stem from lack of attention I received from my parents when I was younger. For years, my peers told me I was fat or I was gaining weight. Now I am insecure about myself and my body. I’m scared to express myself. I was really shy. I’m working on it. I think if I have a great body, I will gain a lot more confidence and that would help me mentally too.

Why do you care about working out?

Because I like lifting weights and it feels good when I work out. I feel clarity and more alert in the day. I don’t feel groggy. I like the feeling when I sweat. I feel like my troubles and stress come out with them. I also like the sore feeling you get after lifting weights. It makes me feel like I’m making progress. It makes me feel like I’m getting stronger.

Why do you want to feel stronger?

Because I’m weak. Emotionally and physically. I can’t handle pressure or traumas very well despite being put under them quite often. I’m physically weaker than I look. I cry easily. I get intimidated by people easily or I easily feel empathy for people if I hear their sad stories. When I look at an old person, I could cry because I feel bad for them that they can’t do as much as they were able to when they were younger. When I look at homeless people, I feel bad for them because they have nothing.

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I want to write a non-fiction piece this week. I read somewhere that to really understand something, ask Why 5 times. Today, I was reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson, and he doesn’t directly mention this but used this in one of his example. He keeps asking why until he get to the real reason behind his feelings and actions when he talks about self-awareness. This piece is my practice of asking myself why and finding the reason I’m feeling these emotions. I started lifting again after taking a 2-month break due to health issues, and I was so sore today. I was also looking at Instagram to find examples of working out exercises I can do, and I saw all these transformation posts and flexing poses. They all look great. I want to rock a bikini or a one-piece like that. I want to get tanner because I think it makes me look healthier and sportier. In Asian culture, people like girls who look pale because back in the day, pale skin is considered of high status. It meant that the girls didn’t have to do farm work outside because her family was rich or powerful; thus, her skin is fair and undamaged by the sun. Western culture prefers tanner skin because it makes them look active (or so I think). A lot of my beliefs and interests are changing, and I don’t know if it is because I’m discovering who I am or it is because I’m trying to fit in the culture here. 21 and still on the path of self-discovery.