Perhaphs I’ve figured out why

I’m 20 years old and sometimes I wonder why is it that I am so unhappy but I think I’ve finally figured out why.

My sister (17) has a boyfriend and is so open about her relationship. She’s told my family and has even introduced him to my mother and father like nothing; I guess that’s hard for me to see because I’m scared to make my parents/family feel uncomfortable of who I am.

I’m 20 years old and feel like such an embarrassment to my family especially my parents. I love my girlfriend so much and it scares me to love her in front of my family. It hurts me to not love her in front of them the way I do when no one is around. I know it hurts her too. I know I should just not care but you see, growing up I dated this girl in high school for a couple of years and it was when I was barley coming out. Worse part about it was that her family was so involved with the church, and when they found out, well ha let’s just say “all hell broke loose”. I got threatened to have a restraining order on me if I didn’t stay away from her. I had my mother telling me “gay isn’t what you’re going to be. It’s not who you are and you will change”. Including the girls father whom I was dating at the time come up to me and say “you stay away from my daughter, you are the reason she is like this. Thanks to you our family will never be the same.” It hurt to be 16 years old and just had different things being thrown in your face.

I am who I am. I love who I love. So why me? I look at my other family members and they have things going for them or just don’t have problems that I can see. Why am I looked at any different? Why can’t I hold my girlfriends hand without getting looked at disgusted? Will I ever be comfortable to step foot in another church again? Am I really going to hell because I LOVE someone who is the same sex as me?

I guess it’s still the past that gets me, I could honestly write a whole book on everything that happened to me and just thoughts I had during everything. Everything still eats me alive because I read things till this day and it just makes me feel sick on how people treat their kids or family member who are gay. It scares me to be who I am especially when you have a president who doesn’t even want to protect you, who encourages people to be against the LGBTQ+ community.

I have anxiety and fear everyday holding my girlfriends hand, but here’s a promise to all of you that are homophobic:

When I see you and you give me and my girlfriend a dirty look I will look right at you, grab her and kiss her. I will laugh right at you for thinking you have the power to make me feel anything less than happy. You are no better than me. You are not worth more than me. I am proud to be who I am and to love who I love. I have my fears but I will never show that to you. You will never see my fear, you will only ever see a happy gal loving another gal when it comes to me.

- Lily Rios

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