what we talk about when we talk about the L word
the other week, my wife and i were doing one of our regular runs to the neighborhood grocery store when we ran into one of our neighbors. we live in a large condo complex across the street, so this neighbor was a familiar face we saw and greeted regularly, but didn’t know terribly well.
after a few minutes discussing scintillating condo happenings (the new grill has been ordered! planning to repaint phase 4 of the units. etc.), we started toward the pasta aisle when she blurted out,
“so are you guys roommates?”
it was said with such innocence, i balked.
for context, while we aren’t very close with this neighbor, said neighbor is someone who sees us walking our dog together everyday, and is close friends with people who know the status of our relationship, so there were ample opportunities to figure out our relationship, without asking — incorrectly — point blank.
in an attempt to diffuse the awkwardness, i responded, “yeah, we’re not. we’re married. so, i guess technically we’re roommates (wink).”
fifty shades of red later, our flustered and embarrassed neighbor scrambled to recover, mumbling something about where to find the pickles, which in retrospect was a hilarious and i’m sure unintentional freudian slip.
it was awkward. it was embarrassing. it was not the first time.
let me take a moment to see this from said neighbor’s perspective: i am fairly certain our neighbor’s confusion stems from my wife and me not “looking gay”. i am putting that stereotypical comment in heavy, rainbow-colored quotations.
we’re what people often call, “lipstick lesbians”, which just means we typically aren’t riding our harleys around town with our rainbow flags in tow on our way to a rec softball game. (again, blatant stereotypes here)
even still, while we may not “look the stereotype”, we are certainly not closeted about our relationship. we’ve got wedding bills aplenty to prove it.
comments like these are possibly the most hurtful, because of the lack of malintent. they are made because same-sex couples, even in a well-educated, relatively progressive city like nashville, are still not commonly seen. this isn’t because there are fewer gays in the state of tennessee. those gays are just all laying low.
they are laying low from the 81% of our neighbors, coworkers, and other fellow tennesseans who voted to ban same-sex marriage as being recognized in our state. how can you even put a picture of your spouse on your desk, when there’s an 81% chance that action could threaten your job security? there aren’t any laws in tennessee protecting from discrimination based on sexual identity, so being out, can mean being out of a job.
i am lucky. the company i work for proudly highlights its dogged commitment to diversity and inclusion, both in its corporate standards, as well as in the content it produces. my work is proud of who i am. my family is proud of who i am. my wife’s family is proud of who i am. i don’t have to live in fear of losing my livelihood.
i am unfortunately the minority.
today the supreme court is debating our state’s ban on the recognition of same-sex marriage. if hateful, discriminatory bans are upheld in states like my current home state, my ignorant neighbor will no longer stand corrected; my wife and i will, in fact, be roommates.
i can only hope our supreme court recognizes our inalienable rights today.
