The Man in Charge


Apparently, an accurate or close to accurate definition of the man in charge is: he is intolerant towards people and situations he cannot control.

When really thinking about it, it makes total sense and not in a good way. The sad part is this not only applies to men, so the men reading this please do not take it personal, because this statement applies to both men and women.

We all have that one, or maybe two, controlling person in our life and I have definitely had my fair share. At some point I have been the “man in charge” and looking back, it is something I am not proud of.

That man who at one point impressed you, was charming and made you believe he cared is now getting under your skin. Why? Because he needs to know your every move; in fact he wants a schedule and if throughout the day you take a detour he will not be happy. Little things not important to you or anyone else, such as, I took this route to the store instead of this one, becomes a big deal to the man in charge. When making a mistake, what he sees is your inability to do anything responsibly and you are sent to stay put and do nothing due to his fear of you messing up with his system.

The things he did at first seemed as though he truly cared for your well-being, which may have some truth to it, but as time goes on and you see your own independence slipping away you realize something does not feel right. What is felt is a complete sense of control and even manipulation from his part.

A simple sign of someone who is the man in charge is he feels the need to check up on you, overly check up on you; God forbid you don’t respond or else he will worry and worry until he is able to track you down. Another example is the constant need to give advice, sometimes all we want is to be listened to, but as soon as we say something they are compelled to offering a list of suggestions. If his advice is not taken, be warned, for this is another way things will become heated and not in a pleasurable way.

There will be times when his charming ways are only visible during moments of sunshine and rainbows, or when there is an audience. Behind closed doors the man in charge will slowly and subtly try to mold you into his masterpiece, and sometimes it may become scary; his reasoning behind all this?

I love you
No one will ever love you more than I do
What would you do without me

I remember being on the far end of the stick once and feeling suffocated. Everyday I’d wake up and keep an eye on the clock, because if time passed and I didn’t message or call the man in charge he would wonder what I was doing that was more important than reaching out and saying good morning to him.

Going out to a place as simple as the grocery store was also a hassle, mind you, I lived alone but I felt I had to report my every move and decision or else the man in charge would panic if he knew I was out in the world all by myself without anyone to help me decide whether I wanted organic apples or regular apples.

If being afraid of making a decision without first running it through the man in charge, then we had a problem. Deep down you know his caring needs are not normal, but the fear of talking to him about anything making you feel uncomfortable is far worse than keeping quiet and the constant walking on eggshells keeps you on a high level of stress, afraid you will do something that doesn’t comply with what the man in charge has already defined of you.

I also remember when I played the role of the man [or woman] in charge, and honestly I don’t know what is worse.

The constant stress of wanting to know what the other person is doing, whom they speak to and what they say is an utter nightmare. It came to the point that I had to be present for every conversation or meeting they had with someone I didn’t like or for some imaginary reason felt “threatened” by. It sounds insane and honestly it is bad shit crazy! If I could take it all back I would, sadly I am not able to turn back time, but I can change; right now all I can do is try to make it better, or be a better person, someone free of this control prison.

As for those who continue to play the role and continue to practice their manipulative behavior towards others, please look inward, it is a lot of work but it is worth doing to live a life full of the joys another person and their individual personality can offer without someone else already making up their mind of who they are or what they should do.

Letting the man in charge take control over your life, or far worse, being the man [or woman] in charge is not the way this life was intended to be lived. Learn to find a way of compromising or learn to walk away.

*Reading reflections from the book Deal Breakers by Dr. Bethany Marshall