The friend who doesn’t like you.
This might be something of a rant, but just hear me out.
Would you consider a judgemental friend a “friend”?
She’s the one who tells you, in one way or another, that she doesn’t like you the way you are. Your core. Your essence. Something in you gets under her skin.
Sometimes she pretends to advise you, covering up her talk with “it’s what’s best for you,” and you naturally take her advice because you are trusting her to see your blind spots.
She sprinkles sugar on top of words which would normally feel like a sting coming from someone else. You think it’s just honesty. Tough love, maybe. But then you go home and think to yourself, what the fuck was that? I would never say that to her.
Maybe something in her body language, the way her eyes give away a spark that makes you think something is off, but you talk yourself out of it, believing she has the best of intentions.
“I love you. I know you, and I want the best for you.”
No one knows you, so please don’t fall for that trap. You know yourself, maybe, and at best other people have an observation of you depending on the context. Those who think they know you see only what they want to see and tend to project their own self image onto you.
Let’s say, for argument’s sake, that your best friend did know you. It still doesn’t make any sense, because she knows the person that you are now, or that you were in the past. She molds you into the image of your old self from however many years ago, and keeps you stuck in it for as long as it suits her. Any deviation from that image causes her to become very nervous and thus she begins the judgement.
Do you want to be with someone who sees the old you or the new & improved you? Do you want to hang out with someone who sees only who you were in the past, or someone who pushes your limitations and inspires you to become bigger and better?
I’ve wasted precious years of my life listening to others telling me they knew what was best for me. They would build me up or shoot me down as they saw fit. I believed, wholeheartedly, that they knew what was best for me. So I got tossed around from one person to another, each with her own agenda of what she wanted me to be.
Granted, I didn’t know at the time that they were afraid of being alone, and that tactic was just their way to feel secure.
The reasons I let that happen was because 1. I didn’t have enough faith in myself, 2. I wanted to be understood, loved, and recognized.
Whether it’s your way of thinking, of dressing, of talking, of living, a judgemental friend refutes you. She doesn’t see you as an individual, but more as an extension of her. She doesn’t believe in agreeing to disagree, simply because since, in her mind, you are an extension of her, you cannot be different. She upholds herself as the highest form of being, and turns a blind eye when you talk passionately about something — or someone — you love.
If you succeed in following your dreams, she won’t like the sound of it. You’ll notice that her eyes will almost glaze over when you begin to share what’s in your heart. She’ll support you only if your ideas are in line with hers.
When you can talk about “safe” subjects that she agrees with, you’ll be met with approval. “Good. I’m proud of you.”
You will be praised for some things and put down for others, sometimes made to feel guilty.
That’s when you know you’re being judged: you will feel a sense of relief when you’re away from her.
I don’t have a clear-cut piece of advice for responding to someone like this, except that cutting down the time you spend with her will probably do you good.
I know some people are all for confrontation, but confrontation for me has never worked. People don’t change, and we shouldn’t try to make them change. The best we can do is change the way we react to them … and sometimes letting a friendship dissolve on its own is the best way to go.