Confessions: The Reasons Why I Feel More Fulfilled In This World?
All alone in this big house — it’s actually quite a scary feeling.
It’s 1.58pm on a Saturday afternoon and I am currently house sitting for some friends.
Usually, I have my husband keeping me company when we house-sit. This time around, it is just me here :-)
At first, I thought I would be lonely in all this space but it is actually quite a liberating feeling. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy my husband’s company. I do. But also love my own company too.
So I am using the time to detox from life and the best way for me to do that is by writing. When I write, I become vulnerable.
I am forced to sit and think about my feelings, my emotions, my thoughts, my relationships. Just everything.
And since I have been here, this has been no different.
This morning I woke up and smiled. I shook my head at how strange and amazing life can be.
Without meaning to sound too cheesy, I feel incredibly fortunate to become a little more me every single day. It makes me happy, not overwhelmingly so, but happy all the same.
If I am being completely honest, though, becoming more me, makes me feel like time is flying. Feeling like oh shit, should I be where I am now, or should I be further on in this journey?
It’s been hard for me to live in the moment knowing that life is moving so quickly especially now that I actually have a life worth living for.
Not too long ago, I used to wish the whole week away, but now it’s like I wish the week could go twice as slow.
It is only now that I truly understand life is the longest short-term gift that we are given.
From the minute we are born the clock continues to tick and time proceeds to fly by us.
When I really wrapped my mind around that, I legitimately refuse to waste any more of my days on things and people that don’t matter.
But that’s not to say this has been an easy journey.
The judgement for living out loud like this and being my true self doesn’t always greet me with a reward. Eh, go figure!
However, it was something that I needed to do, to be [and stay] fulfilled in my life.
In a world where things seem so routine. So unhappily routine at that. Despite the potential of not being satisfied in life, we continue to go about things solely because “that is what we are supposed to do.” No. We must get rid of that mindset in order to evolve and sustain our sanity. Personally, I refuse to be unfulfilled!
We have to try not to become watered down by societal expectations.
Like I can’t believe its has been almost a year since I quit my job. Almost a year since I got married. Over a year since I started this blog.
I can’t quite remember the last time so many changes took place in my life all at once.
But I like it. I mean, maybe, ‘like’ is too strong of a word but it gives me a good and uncomfortable feeling.
I am not sure if these feelings are normal but it reminds me of my humanness. They help me check myself and reset when I need to. They reel me back into the reality that I don’t have it all together like I like to believe.
Life is not never-ending, and even though that scares me along with the fact that this ‘good feeling’ isn’t a forever thing; the happiness, the love — it makes it all worth it.
I am thankful.
It is days like these that I am reminded, even with doubt trying to sneak in, I have dedicated my life to share my story and to help others. Not only that, I am worthy of the grace in which I’m given every single day. In my heart, I don’t think I wake up “by chance” or that I’m still standing by mere circumstance. Convincing my mind to believe this regularly can be a journey in itself.
But I have no other option.
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