How Getting Raped Was The Best Thing That’s Ever Happened To Me
Let me first start by saying that I do not condone rape by any means. I do not condone taking advantage of anyone in any way, shape or form.
What I do condone is taking something really fucking shitty that happens and figuring out how to turn it into something amazing.
So let me share my story.
Being a mom was something I always knew I was meant to be. I mean, I’ve always known I was meant to do a great many things… but motherhood has coursed through my veins since I was a little girl.
So after I miscarried at the age of 30, and my partner said he actually didn’t want to have kids I found myself single and chidless, wondering when the hell I was ever going to have a family.
Fast forward a few years later, I’m perpetually dating the same guy over and over. You know the routine… same dude, different hair… same outcome: Single. Childless.
And then one day I picked up the phone and when the woman on the other end asked “what can I do for you?” my immediate reply was “I have dad issues”. And so therapy began.
Come to find out this incredible independent, strong woman I saw myself as (and still do) was actually co-dependent. WTF! How the hell did that happen?! And so the practice of setting boundaries began…
I had met this guy surfing. My friends had warned me about him. He had kids in another country and he never saw them. D-bag in my book. But he was really good at surfing and was giving me some great tips — and I was actually getting a lot better! Perfect person to practice boundaries with.
And one night while I was camping at the beach I had too much to drink. He needed a place to sleep so I said sure — you can sleep in my tent but NOTHING is going to happen. And since I’d already told him 3 times before I felt okay with that.
Well, he had other motives. And I woke up with a mix of confusion, frustration, anger and denial.
And two weeks later I saw the positive on the pregnancy stick.
The first thought that crossed my mind was abortion. And maybe I would have entertained that had I not already lost a pregnancy and was broken about it. The thought of aborting this pregnancy felt like pouring vinegar on an open wound. I couldn’t do it.
After weeks of denial and refusing to acknowledge and admit to myself what had happened I entertained the thought of having this person be in my life. That resulted in creepy guy showing up unannounced at my work, and helping himself into my house while I wasn’t home.
After a month I finally got him to stop showing up and promptly moved to a new home.
As I progressed to being honest with myself I open the gates for the onslaught of emotions to process. From anger and rage, to wondering what the hell I was doing, to fear of being of a single mom, to contemplating how I’m going to support myself, to wondering who this child was going to be… and all the feels in between and all around.
During that winter I was about halfway through my pregnancy. My newfound evening activity was taking a bath and reading self help books and visualizing my future. As well as a lot of crying about my situation in life. It was in one of those baths I read a quote from Brene Brown in her book ‘The Gifts Of Imperfection’, and it goes like this “When we numb the dark, we numb the light”.
In my previous life when shit happened I would likely head to happy hour to clear my mind over a glass of wine or a margarita, or two.
However in this particular state I actually had to feel all the fucking feelings. And it was brutal. But this quote spoke to me. Becuase for how dark and raw and intense my emotions were in this state, that meant that there were equally light, and expansive feels to experience. And that excited me.
So now that I had some glimmer of something to look forward to (because to be honest, I wasn’t too sure how I felt about the being growing within me yet) I set out to figure out what I was going to do.
As a self employed Nutritional Therapist and Bodyworker I had a brick and mortar business. But I was less than passionate because while I loved my clients, and my business had provided me with pretty good life… it had lost some of its romanticism.
Rooted in a city I no longer loved, and unable to make money when I traveled (often) I had wanted something that would allow me the freedom to be home with this new little being, and allow me to work with clients from a distance.
Here’s the key: I had wanted this for 5 years! I was too afraid to make it happen because I had so much stability already.
It’s amazing what one can do when their life is completely shaken and stirred and turned upside down, and then shat upon.
I don’t think one’s life will ever look the same after all that.
When you find yourself stirred, and shaken, and upside down and shat upon you have two choices: 1: try to maintain a semblance of what life looked like before OR 2: you can say FUCK IT and take a leap of faith to create the ultimate life of your dreams.
So naturally I took option 2.
Because Fuck it.. Why not?
So I sold my business of 11 years when I went on maternity leave at 8.5 months pregnant.
On May 6 2016 I gave birth to my son. When I first saw him I felt a huge rush of anger wash away as I welcomed this incredible, perfect being into this world. And I gave birth not only to my child, but to myself.. as a woman reborn.
At 3 weeks post partum with a burning desire to show my son that you can absolutely live life on your terms, doing what you love and are passionate about I started my new online business.
And when he was 7 months old I purged all of my stuff keeping only my art, books, and Le Creuset I packed up my son and my dogs and in between snow storms said goodbye to the Pacific Northwest and moved to sunny Southern California.
I arrived at my new home on New Years Day to start my #newyearnewlife.
And here’s the thing.
Had this not happened. Had I not gotten pregnant by some selfish douchebag, had I not been a single mom, had I not had everything in my life as I knew it completely turned around I would still be living an OK life.
I’d be living in an OK town I’d grown out of. I’d be trading dollars for hours and having to shut my business down every time I’d go out of town. I’d probably be dating the same guys with different haircuts, and would basically be doing the same thing I’d been doing for 11 years.
But it did happen. And I took option 2.
And as a result I am mother to the most wonderful son.
Who teaches me how to win at life every day. Who I get to teach how to be a caring, compassionate, strong leader who treats women and everyone he meets with respect and dignity.
And I am 100% living the life I was too afraid to reach for. All because life was OK.
So I invite you, reader, to take a look inside.
What is the thing you most desire, and are most afraid to go for?
Now imagine if you will, what your life would look like if you just went for it. If you said fuck it… I’m doing this!
How would your life look if you were living your dream every damn day?
Now I invite you to do this, reader.
Don’t wait for shit to happen. Don’t wait for your life to turn upside down, to get shaken, stirred and crapped on.
Just go for it.
While I was sitting in that bath reading Brene’s wisdom I discovered something: It is in the deepest depths of darkness that we see our brightest light. What I’ve discovered since then is that you don’t have to go into the depths. You just have to quiet your mind, take a break from the rat race… and just dream.
Thanks for reading,