The tale of two eyeballs

Since I was a young girl I have had an eating disorder. Part of what went with my eating disorder was body dysmorphia. In general I thought I was hideous. It was only after people showed me pictures from years before that I could stop and say, yes I am beautiful.

So, here is how it worked for me. When I was 14 I thought I was too fat. But the kicker is that at age 16 when I looked at pics from just two years prior, I thought, “wow I was tiny”. So let’s see if you caught that.

At age 20 I thought I was too fat, at age 22 I looked at pictures from when I was 20 and thought I was tiny.

It took my eyes a few years to catch up with my actual body image. I can not look in the mirror and be happy. It is a rare moment for me to like what I see in the mirror. But when I look at photos of myself after the fact I usually love what I see.

It is actually part of the reason I got into modeling. Photographers could help me see myself the way I wanted to see myself, through healthy happy eyes.

Before treatment for my eating disorder it would take many years to be able to see a healthy and ok body image when I looked at photographs. After treatment that gap closes faster and faster every day. Sometimes I can look at pictures from only a few months ago and love what I see.

I wish more than anything what I saw in the mirror would match what I see in pictures several months after the fact. I hope as I keep up treatment eventually I will.