THE GIRL WITH THE LOWER BACK TATTOO (Review) + Gummy Bears + Bone Broth + The Suckutron 9000
Amy Schumer
Cringe, swear, worry, cry, laugh-out-loud… on all the same page
4.978 STARS
The review you are about to digest contains a collection of stories from my life cobbled together into a wonderful collage that may or may not have anything to do with the book. I’m a storyteller. I like telling stories. So, grab your favourite bevvy and a comfy chair and, hopefully, enjoy.
The stories I am about to share, much like the hit TV show 24 Legacy occur in real time. Whatever the bleep, that means?
I guarantee you that all of these stories are true, with the exception of the occasional dusting of alternative.
I love Amy Schumer. I think it takes a whack of courage to invite an audience into the dysfunctional world of daily life. In her case — I’m glad she has survived and her destiny is to turn her absurd buckets of familial pain into therapeutic doses of comedy.
I was first exposed to her comedic brilliance at the Colossal Megaplex Theatre on a dismal Saturday afternoon. To escape the day’s deluge a friend and I decided a day movie would fit the bill nicely.
Tickets paid for. Ticket-taker in front of us — the ticket-taker handed us 3D glasses. I happen to be blind in one eye, for story sake, my blind eye. Because of my visual challenges, 3D is kind of pointless.
It was looking as if our rain avoidance was going to be a failure. Luckily, my friend happens to be thoughtful. My friend informed the clerk of the situation. And, being that we were at a Megaplex — a different movie was selected: Amy Schumer’s smash hit comedy Trainwreck.
We entered the theater. The theatre was empty… at the end of the trailers, still empty. Five minutes into the movie, empty. So, we decided to do what any sane movie-goers would do, we had to take advantage of this delightful oddity. We…
…flashback to the past, past happens to be the only thing you can flashback to. Different theater complex, me alone, a movie was on the docket. I couldn’t recall the name of the movie so I Googled: 2006 British movie about University with songs by New Order.
Google told me I went to see History Boys. Damn, Google, you’re good!
I entered the theatre. It was empty. Five minutes in, empty. So, I took off my clothes and watched the movie naked.
Flash-forward back to Trainwreck, my friend and I took off our clothes. Later that day I found popcorn in my special place. Mmm… buttery!
Trainwreck was side-splittingly funny. I laughed hard.
Wow. I’m a good reviewer. I came up with the above description all by myself.
Before I get to the Tattoo book, it has come to my attention there is a chance I may be fat.
My fucking mirror has been lying to me for quite some time. I was in denial.
Then one day, a Friday, I think, I dropped off some swag to a client that I hadn’t seen in several months. When he saw me, he excitedly asked, “What happened to your head?”
I didn’t understand the question.
A week later, another friend, patted my belly, and asked, “What month?”
I didn’t understand.
The next day, I glanced at my reflection in a car window, I definitely need to split some side. I had a choice to make: either smash out all car windows I pass; or, begin walking sideways. I chose walking sideways.
Another week passed. Another client visit, another pat on my belly.
Fuckers…
(March 10–2017) Am I fat?
I’m frustrated. I work out hard, much like I laughed at the movie. What’s going on; I’m down to the final belt hole — if I pass it my belt will be useless.
There was no more denying my expanding girth. Sucking-in was no longer viable.
Sadly, I tried to drown my sorrows in beer. A different friend noticed my despondent state. He offered me a gummy bear. I like gummy bears.
For whatever reason, I didn’t think a friend pulling out warm soft gummy bears that had been in his pocket all day as anything but normal.
Maybe, I should have. This same friend once offered me a cookie he had just baked. I ate the cookie. When I woke up the next morning I found 14-litres of chocolate milk in my fridge.
The gummy bear was sure tasty.
Time passed. What else does time do?
I was no longer at the pub. I was sitting on my couch. My friend from the movie was with me. The air was filled with letters of the alphabet flying by. Cool, the letters of my name. No matter how hard I tried I couldn’t rearrange them in the correct order.
My cat jumped onto the couch. Disturbingly, she was no longer a cat. She had morphed into a thousand two-headed-rats, bad kitties.
Hundreds of parking garage gates started slamming all around me. I looked at my friend who was wearing some space age police garb. My friend’s job description was to detain anyone who was invading anyone else’s space. I tried to sit still.
Wow, this music video is 63-minutes long. Funny, the TV isn’t on.
Sharp claws busted out of my knuckles. I better use my claws for good, I thought. Fortunately, my Space Cop was baking a perpetual number of bread loaves.
I gleefully sliced away.
Bakery work complete I figured sex would be nice.
Sex would be nice… man, I can write, nicely.
With sex on my mind and the mouth-watering scent of fresh baked bread wafting through my apartment… hmm… maybe a Bone Broth diet would alleviate my gut growth. The previous sentence, well, crap… that’s what it was.
The next day it was time to stockpile broth. On the way to the Broth shop, my friend asked me if I was still gummied.
I didn’t understand the question.
We stood in front of the Broth cooler. One minute, two minutes, three minutes… ten minutes.
“Turkey, chicken, lamb, beef… turkey, chicken, lamb, beef…”
The clerk approached.
“Can I help you?”
To which my friend replied, “Does the chicken broth come in any other flavour?”
Broth in hand, it was time to get healthy. Before the health kick, it was time for another movie, Patterson.
We entered the theatre. It was three-quarters full. Everyone was naked. Weird
PATTERSON REVIEW
As for the movie: good, kind of deep. I like movies about writers. The movie has a writing premise!
I hope you enjoyed the review.
I hopped on the scale at the gym. 200.7 lbs — WTF — I covered my mirrors at home.
Jump forward 10-days. The Broth fuel has been a success. I’ve dropped 10 lbs. I decided to celebrate with more liquids, Ale. I was about to go home, happy with my results, when a friend, 63-years-of-age approached. Harry, a biker at heart, shaved head, like me, loves my writing, therefore; I like him.
Harry is a caricature. He is almost life like. There isn’t a person he’s met that he hasn’t offended. He likes to shadow box in the sauna naked. I’ll take his word for it.
He’s loud, belligerent… lovable. He once told me he invented a sex toy called the Suckutron 9000 (use your imagination). He says the perfect weekend is lining up an 8-ball, packets of Viagra, a couple dozen Pomegranate Coolers, mood lighting, and then strap on the Suckutron. Disturbing
Anyway, Harry patted my belly and said, “What’s this?”
In that moment I came to the conclusion that most people may be getting the whole fitness quest wrong: We’re all striving for something that doesn’t exist, the after picture. In reality, isn’t the before picture our ultimate goal?
Unless of course, you started off fat.
Pretty deep, don’t you think
I hope you are enjoying the cobbling. I bet you can almost hear the horse hooves.
Maybe, I will hop on the horse and take a pair of my damaged shoes to the cobbler. On the way I will stop at the convenience store for some chocolate milk.
I think along the way, I may find the elusive, before!
Work beckons. A worker asks Jeffer a co-worker, if he knows where his cheque is?
Jeffer says, “It may be at the corner store.”
I politely inform Jeffer the corner store is actually a middle store.
Jeffer, flashed me a frustrated glance.
Time for broth…
The Tattoo review is coming soon.
One more mini-review: Sans gummies and fully dressed my Friend, and I (I only have one friend and luckily my one friend’s name is, Friend), headed to the Cinemaplex.
The movie: Logan.
I’m not sure a movie can be more violent. A couple next to us left because they couldn’t handle the violence.
It’s been a few weeks since the gummy bears, interesting, Logan, has claws.
In the movie Logan’s daughter also has claws. Together they skewer hundreds of people, gruesomely, disgustingly… no blood is left to be spilt.
Logan’s daughter doesn’t speak… until… in one scene she watches Logan squirm as he sleeps. When he wakes she looks at him and calmly says, “You were having a nightmare.”
Later in the movie, they arrive at a retreat for young mutants that have escaped from Mexico all the way to North Dakota with the eventual plan to make it into Canada.
Evil chases them. They run. One of the young mutants, maybe 10-years-old, he’s black; he’s fat, fatter than me. He cutely dangles and jiggles when he runs.
LOGAN REVIEW
What could Logan possibly have a nightmare about; kittens?
And, in the casting call: did they really have a call for a fat black child?
I give the movie 4-freshly-sliced bread loaves.
THE GIRL WITH THE LOWER BACK TATTOO
Thank You, Miss Schumer, for cobbling the tattered chunks of your life together and helping us realize no matter how much dysfunction life throws at each of us we can always find a way to laugh at the quagmire of our personal non-fiction.
Amy is a beautiful woman, who, fortunately for us, invited us in for a therapeutic look at her life, and deftly, on any given page can have us cringing, swearing, crying, worrying about her, and most of all; laughing-out-loud at dysfunction.
Stories told: I wonder if gummy bears come in chicken flavour.
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