One of the kindest things I could have done for myself in the ramp up to 2020 was to allow January to be a testing ground to see how the goals and ambitions I had articulated for myself for the upcoming year were settling.
I went in all, “JANUARY 1, 2020. LES GO.”
Why didn’t it occur to me to try the year on for size before holding myself accountable to my goals? WHYYY.
While I appreciate that fresh-start feeling January typically brings me (acknowledging that the Gregorian calendar is a construction…), it’s usually accompanied by an energetic hangover from the year before. How could it not? The cycles and habits and patterns that got me through the last 12 months + the changes and growth + the compound baggage I’m left with by December 31 = January hangover. Because all of it mattered — the good and the bad — and has to come to bear.
It doesn’t mean I didn’t try my best at my goals in January. But I will have to adapt in February and that’s a good thing, and doesn’t mean January was a failure.
And 2019 was a particularly rough year. (I planned to reflect on it in January (lolz) but it’s still coming…) Lots of growing pains and all that, and reflecting on it has been a bit of a bear. Truly I should have expected January to have felt like breaking in new shoes, even if I had done it “right” and given myself some space to walk at my pace. Blisters and calluses and all. But instead it’s been like new wearing shoes one size too small and saying, “New Year New Me.”
Plus, I haven’t really been in the business of doing the “kindest thing I could have done for myself,” so it makes sense that 2020 didn’t magically transform me into that woman as if I had crossed a threshold at 12:01am on Jan 1.
One of my goals for 2020 is to submit a Medium post twice a month to get my public writing brain sharp again. This post doesn’t count for January (according to my goals, also lolz), but I will confess something out loud here that will hopefully help me get over myself for the next 11 months: In my mind, there is always a smarter, more interesting person out there on the internet saying what I have to say but in a chiller and more insightful way.
Yes, of course it’s nonsense, because there is no one with your voice but you. And of course it needs to be heard. Yes yes yes. Irrational fears abound, and here’s an effort to upend cycles of fear. But so scary, though, right?
I talked to one of my amazing mentors last week, who said, “You sound much more self-critical than I’ve ever heard you. What’s up?” (Three cheers to the people who see you and keep you honest.)
It made me realize that my burn out comes with a weird perfection complex with a really b*tchy voice that isn’t there when I’m healthy. Like, the rest of the time, I don’t hold myself to impossible standards and, in fact, I believe I have normal expectations of what a regular human can achieve in a day and I know what reasonable hard work feels like. I believe in rest and self-care, and planning and pacing. But somehow, when I’m flaming out, ass on fire, I bake myself some over-performance cake and add guilt frosting, to boot.
Hard things are hard. They force you to question yourself and your capacities, and you have to grow anyway. But there’s no reason to make them harder by being nasty to yourself and expecting to perform at 100%. January could have made space for that, but lesson learned.
Also, I’ve seen so many of you in my community strike this balance with grace. I want to learn from you, so let’s chat.
In the meantime…Three cheers to 2020: To taking one step as a time in shoes that fit. To regular cake with regular frosting. To a nice inside voice that speaks to you with the unconditional love and empathy you deserve.
::: LMF :::
If you read this all the way to the end, thank you kind friend. Here’s hoping this post takes some of the pressure off of a 2020 goal.
