I can hear the rebuttals already from that headline alone.

“It’s just a compliment! What’s the harm? Just take it!”

Yeah, sure, a message that reads like so probably doesn’t seem to hurt on the surface:

“Hi Linh,

Thanks for adding me on LinkedIn! I really appreciate the connection. Your professional experience is quite impressive. I hope we stay in touch.

By the way, that is an incredibly flattering photo of yourself! You look really pretty in it :)

Best regards,

A Straight Man on LinkedIn”

See the problem? No?

Ok, if you are a straight man, I’d like to ask you to imagine yourself sending this same message to another recent connection. Everything is the same except you are now messaging another man who you don’t know very well.

Would you feel comfortable also saying, “By the way, that is an incredibly flattering photo of yourself! You look really pretty in it :)”?

In most cases, probably not. Why? I’d like you to really rethink your motives when asking this question. You’re not doing this to compliment the person and make them feel good. You’re doing this because it makes you feel a little bit more powerful than than the other person and you hope that by complimenting them, they’ll suddenly blush and giggle and type back coyly while batting their eyelashes:

“Hehe, omg, why thank you! You’re cute too ;)”

Would you want another dude to send you that response? And, like, c’mon guys, at this point this isn’t even LinkedIn anymore. It’s just uncomfortable and awkward (like OKCupid).

Compliments that are perfectly fine would be:

“I love your lipstick, what color is it?”

If you must comment on appearance, move away from talking about my looks and ask me about the appearance-based things I do have control over, like what lipstick I chose to wear that day! Fuck yeah, I’ll talk to you about my lipstick all day! But don’t tell me I have nice lips. I…hope I don’t have to tell you the difference here.

“Thanks for adding me on LinkedIn! I think it’s awesome that you care so much about diversity in tech and media. Keep doing you :)”

Omg yaasss compliment me on my career and hobby choices! I’ve worked long and hard to get to where I am now and it’s just so fulfilling and empowering when someone else sees that — so much more fulfilling than a “You’re pretty!” comment.

“Loved the idea you brought up today in that meeting. Keep up the good work!”

Wait, something I said in a meeting with other people was actually GOOD? WOW. PATS MYSELF ON THE BACK, GOOD JOB LINH! This is a proper professional compliment and I will gladly accept it and then continue producing top-notch mfing ideas in meetings, heck yes!

So, please, the next time you compliment someone in a professional setting (be that on LinkedIn, in Slack, during meetings, in an email, in the lunchroom), imagine you are directing that compliment to someone you are NOT attracted to in order to gauge whether it’s appropriate. It’s probably not.