Connecting Rainbows with Purpose
Today, I reflect back to 2018 when things with my business seemed to be at a slow crawl. I found that most of my time, passion and energy was committed to the non-profit side of my work and I faced barriers when attempting to obtain training contracts on the for-profit side of things; both had led me to a near economic destruction. As a director of a local non-profit, my role was to oversee all happenings, service referrals, events, data collection, and training for the LGBTQ+ community in Northern Arizona. I can remember feeling almost hostile at the time; burdened with frustration that all of my time was spent providing a very valuable service to the community, but all of my efforts were unpaid. I felt hopeless and when I tried to seek funding, all the larger LGBTQ+ organizations in Phoenix and Tucson would swallow up anything available and our local community was comprised of retirees who expressed dissent to the younger LGBTQ+ demographic: “when we were your age, we worked together to make it happen- we didn’t ask for money. Truth be told, they were almost right- the challenge? Our LGBTQ+ community was split in two: rich retirees with no emotional ties to the community and the LGBTQ+ population in need of services who had no money to give. I found myself at a crossroads feeling frustrated, isolated, and on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
That August, frustrated by not having the tools or skills needed to “make our data tell a story” so that I could obtain grants, I found myself searching for alternative answers. Well, one thing led to another and by September 2018, my life turned upside down. As I folded laundry at the foot of my bed, I get a message on my phone that reads, “Congratulations, we are happy to inform you that you have been accepted into Harvard Business School’s new Master’s in Business Analytics Program…..make your data tell a story.” I opened the email and hurried to the punch line: “Cost of Attendance: $50,000.00.” I choked up as I looked at my wife and said, “I just got into Harvard and it’s going to cost 50 grand.”
Long story short, my wife gave me my exit papers. We could barely make our house payment and I was asking to go to graduate school in the middle of it all, but I couldn’t say no. Over the next 3 months, I prepared myself for this large life transition and grappled with the fact that I was currently running an LGBTQ+ organization, full-time, without pay, had no other income, and now, I was homeless. As I tried to pull my life together, more tragedy struck.
For many years, I had been providing direct services to the LGBTQ+ community. It was agonizing to see such huge disparities, depression, broken relationships, and substance abuse among the people I served. Most days, I barely looked at my phone because I was terrified of what might be at the other end. Between August and December of 2018, I had 7 transgender clients who died; 6 by suicide and 1 by homicide. At the time, I was estranged from any family and everyone I loved lived elsewhere. Because I worked in and with the Mental Health system, I couldn’t get services because of the conflict of interest it posed. What was supposed to be an exciting time, was actually the loneliest time in my whole life. I was broken and just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they did.
It was Christmas Eve and I had picked up some side work delivering pizza. At 10pm, I was off the clock and raced off to the bar to drown my sorrows and self-deprecation over a few cocktails. A few hours later, I decided to call a cab and as I grabbed my jacket from the car, I was surrounded by 6 of Prescott’s finest men of law enforcement. All I could see the reflection of their flashlights off their badges as they shined their lights in my face. I put my hands up and told them I couldn’t see their faces and could they please lower their lights. They grabbed me and started frisking me, asking me where I was coming from and where I was going. As I could feel myself panicking all over, I asked, “what is this all about? I am not a criminal.” Just then, one of the officers holds a wallet up to my face and says, “oh yeah!? Well what’s this!?”
As I squinted to see the wallet, I said, “that’s not mine. What is that?” The officers proceed to tell me that I had stolen someone’s wallet and I was going to jail. The tears began flowing down my face as I explained, “I am starting Harvard in 11 days! I wouldn’t steal someone’s wallet.” The officers roared with laughter- “Oh yeah….Harvard….that’s a good one!” At that point I began weeping and begging for them to believe me as I felt the cold handcuffs click and lock around my wrists. By this point, I had not seen any of their faces and as they locked me in the back of the cruiser, I faded off into a dark place.
I do not remember much about the joyride other than it would be almost 2 hours in that backseat before I was pulled out by an officer and the handcuffs were removed.
After taking off the handcuffs, the officer then leans down and says, “let this be a lesson to you- this town doesn’t want you….there’s your cab, get the fuck out of here.” When the taxi took me back to my car, all of my belongings were spread across the parking lot, my car doors wide open and my keys in the ignition. Now what? Who can I tell? My first step was to go to the Police Department and get the report and guess what. No record other than I “was picked up for accusations of a stolen wallet and released later that evening because the unidentified victim did not want to press charges.” There was no one to complain to because it didn’t happen- at least not on paper.
The worst part about this story and the reason I am telling it is because it was the aftermath that made the difference. I was humiliated and rumors spread. People, who I believed to be friends, believed I was “out of control, out drinking and got picked up for a DUI.” It wasn’t the true story that was shared; it was the lies that others spread and ultimately, it came right back to my identity. I just wanted to be able to be me in the community and be accepted too, but most importantly, I wanted to be believed. For several months, I experienced gossip, whispers, and horrible things said to me and about me. At the time, I felt that the only solution was to move away and start over- so I did.
Letting Go
Being an advocate in the LGBTQ+ community is extremely difficult while living in a rural community. For years, I have found myself being very “out” about my transgender identity in public-virtual and professional spaces; however, I must remain hidden and stealth in my own community because it is not safe for me to be out about who I am. In the course of my life, I have been pulled over more than 200 times, arrested twice, spent a night in jail, taken on police joy rides, and have been charged with 5 different crimes that I did not commit, all because I am transgender. The charges have all been dismissed, but not before crushing any stability in my life. When I have sought change, made complaints, or have tried to move the needle of LGBTQ+ inclusion in Northern Arizona, I have been met with opposition, or worse; apathy. Mostly, I fear that if I get loud about the horrible things that have happened to me in Northern Arizona because of my transgender identity, it would only attract more risk.
That Christmas Eve, I made a decision. I was going to let go of my ties to the LGBTQ+ community for a while. I needed to embark on this new journey and heal from the loss, pain, sorrow, guilt, and regret I aimed to leave behind. Since then, I have found new passions and discovered new talents, but I find myself yearning for the change that is still needed in Northern Arizona. The same traditional problems still exist and the same roadblocks for LGBTQ+ in health, community, and services still remain. It is aggravating at best; however, the gaps leave room for opportunity.
It’s been 4 years since I stepped away from the LGBTQ+ community as an advocate and although the scene has changed, the steps by which to affect change have not. To solve these challenges faced by rural LGBTQ+ communities, it’s still about telling a story with data to get people to listen. We are faced with a conundrum though: The more noise and awareness we create, the more attention we draw to ourselves, which leads to risk and vulnerability amongst our LGBTQ+ community members. On the other hand, if we do nothing, bad things still happen and our community goes ignored; which leads to grave disparities and high suicide rates. The solution remains the same as I have always known it to be: collective efforts build strength and with that strength comes collective change.
Creating an LGBTQ+ Ecosystem in Northern Arizona
While taking my space from the community, I have been busy building the structure for what I want to bring back to the community. Our community faces some difficult challenges that pose as intentional barriers; barriers that cannot be broken down by one or two people. Most non-profits are funded by conservative entities and people. Governments are held by a “good ol’ boy network” and most leaders take the civility approach on matters affecting LGBTQ+ people by smiling and telling us everything we want to hear while doing nothing to change things.
The greatest barrier our community has faced is that there is no one place to go to discover everything the community needs. Overall, the LGBTQ+ community in Northern Arizona remains invisible; thus, without a visible community in programming, data, or directed services, it is impossible to tell a story and obtain funding. Then, even if we do present the data to stakeholders and decision makers, and grants are obtained, the non-profits and governments that would hold the fiduciary responsibility do not want to get their “hands dirty.” In a recent case I heard, one of the Northern Arizona county governments and health department received ~$3.5 million dollars from the U.S. Federal Government to address “disparities and increase equity among the underserved.” When the board met to discuss implementation, they decided to reject the funds on the basis that “equity was in the title and they don’t agree with anything coming from the government’s ESG.”
Seem ridiculous? I think so, but no change can be made by getting angry or complaining because complaints in Northern Arizona fall on deaf ears. So, the next viable solution is to create something separate and stand-alone that cannot be controlled by established institutions. This takes work, time, and ultimately money. Obviously, I do not want to go down the same path to create a non-profit, but couldn’t there be another way? I believe there are other ways and those ways will require building a crowd of support. To build a crowd in Northern Arizona to affect change, or in any community, it requires 5 steps:
1. Gather, collect, and centralize all data, resources, and information into one central database and file that can be shared with pertinent stakeholders
2. Search and discover all entities that have directed LGBTQ+ services and create a stakeholder list with everyone’s specialty and contact information
3. Since there is power among stakeholders and the influence they can have, the next step is to engage them and recharge their passions to be involved
4. Once you have the people and the data, then the collective of the two, hold power to influence change- gather to plot and strategize
5. The goal is then to take the collective voice and lift it to decision makers, funders, donors, and ally leaders within the community through media and any other means that spread information widely
“Intelligence without ambition, is a bird without wings” Salvador Dali
Dali’s quote doesn’t quite nail it for me as much as “passion without purpose is a bird without wings.” Intelligence and ambition I have, but passion without direction or a roadmap leads to despair. For years, I have gathered information, data, and have compiled lists of resources, LGBTQ+ directed organizations, and stakeholders. Contained within a private cloud are several spreadsheets, with several tabs, are 1000’s of LGBTQ+ links and all are organized alphabetically by subject category. It has always been my dream to create a one-stop-shop for LGBTQ+ to discover resources and connection because I know what it feels like to feel alone in the world. I also grew exhausted from of helping people one at a time and have always recognized that if I can direct them all to one location to find everything, this would solve the problem of not being able to help everyone in need. So, I have kept track because I hoped that one day, I would have everything I need and the skills to put it all in one online place.
Rainbow Info Hub
“If we can create a model that serves LGBTQ+ people in rural communities, when they suffer some of the greatest gaps and disparities known in existence, then we can use that model to help anyone, no matter who they are.” (self-quote, 2012)
In 2012, I created a humanistic holistic model to address disparities among the LGBTQ+ students in the program I created for a university. The model asserts that human beings are comprised of 4 parts: body, mind, heart, and spirit. The premise of the program model is that when it is applied to someone’s personal life, the program creates balance, brings healing, encourages economic prosperity, and brings a sense of purpose to that person’s life. Since then, I have applied this program model to literally everything I have ever done in various capacities and grown it to apply to industries, workforce management, community building, and ecosystem models. The 250+ programs I’ve created in my 20+ years of tenure have generated millions for various causes and efforts; almost all were based on this model. It works and I continue to apply it to my own personal life as well.
Now, I have taken this model and I have come back to my roots. Northern Arizona is my home and my community needs my help and I find myself also needing a community. I am tired of being scared of leaving my house for fear that I will be pulled over by law enforcement. I am tired of being estranged from family because of my identity and all of my adopted family living elsewhere. I spend 100% of my time living in a virtual world, but when I do venture out, I recognize that my community of Northern Arizona is an unsafe place to live for LGBTQ+ people- I want to be part of changing that- I must be a part of changing things.
On Tuesday, our local community gathered a coalition, online, to discuss local LGBTQ+ happenings. As I listened to various stakeholders share about what they feel to be most important and what they are spending their efforts on, I realized that similar themes arose.
1. The community needs access to more services,
2. There needs to be a central place to find resources, and
3. Everyone wants to see progress and increased visibility for our LGBTQ+ community so that we can reduce disparities.
When I realized that we had everything we needed and were at step 3 in my proposed list of steps to create change, I felt compelled to make a move. In a matter of 4 hours, I bought the domain for Rainbow Info Hub, created a tab in my website, and loaded in 2 LGBTQ+ resource lists: A local Northern Arizona list and Global list. I had put my newly obtained education to good use, and created a basic one-stop-shop to resources for LGBTQ+ people from anywhere in the world. What had taken me 20 years to collect was now live and visible to everyone. To bring it all together and to drive traffic to the Rainbow Info Hub, it needs to attract people to it. The best way to do that is to highlight people’s stories and add weekly to the page’s offerings, links, news, and stories. This requires connecting with the LGBTQ+ community and gathering their stories, getting their feedback, etc. because it’s their stories and feedback that can influence change. The only way that I can see doing this effectively is to start with the people I know best- my own Northern Arizona Network.
The Northern Arizona Collective: Providing a Beacon of support for the LGBTQ+ community in Northern Arizona
Once the site was live, the next step has been to get the word out. In the last 48 hours, I have sent more than 100 emails to various stakeholders with large networks and the results have been remarkable. I have had more than 20 people respond that they have shared the information and would be interested in having training in their organization. The buzz is growing quickly and there will soon need to be a repository for all the feedback from our community stakeholders. Since Northern Arizona is the priority, it’s going to take all of us, but the best way I can help is to centralize it into one place.
The next step is to establish a Northern Arizona wide network, ecosystem of communications for LGBTQ+ Community; a collective where everyone has equal say and can contribute as they see fit while having what they contribute matter. My vision is that from here, we work together to compile our lists, conjoin our efforts, and even if we can’t work together side-by-side, we can work towards the same cause and goal; Create a support network for Northern Arizona LGBTQ+. We can no longer sit by idle and watch, feeling powerless against the professional gas lighting, isolation, apathy, oppression and discrimination. We must put purpose to our passions so that our rising tide can lift all voices.
To learn more about Linking Dreams, Link’s story, or the Northern Arizona Collective, please visit Linking Dreams at https://linkingdreams.global/