Mike Pence Signals the Official End of Pride Month by Firing a Handgun at a Rainbow

Linnea Cooley
Jul 1 · 2 min read

WASHINGTON D.C. — Mike Pence rose early this morning to officiate the closing ceremony of Pride Month. Cracking open his bedroom window, he pulled out his Glock 17 and aimed at the rainbow hanging over the D.C. skyline. “It’s over!” he yelled, as he fired a bullet into the formation of multi-colored water droplets.

“We did it! Pride month is finally finished!” Pence’s wife exclaimed gleefully as he gave her a peck on the cheek. “No more rainbows, no more gay Listerine, no more gay parades! Just good, old-fashioned homophobia like the rest of the year. God bless America!”

At the sound of Mike Pence’s gunshot, hundreds of homophobes across the United States breathed a sigh of relief and commenced their regularly scheduled discrimination.

Restaurants and bars slowly pulled down the rainbow flags from their walls and peeled the rainbow stickers off their windows. Stores across the nation scooped up thousands of pounds of rainbow covered merchandise and threw it in a giant bonfire.

In the corporate headquarters of Youtube, Exxon, and Victoria’s Secret, out of breath executives burst into the boardroom and instructed employees to stop tweeting about Pride Month. “Forget it!” They yelled. “It’s over! Let’s just get back to undermining the LGBTQ community like we usually do!”

Back in Washington D.C., Mike Pence leaned out of his bedroom window to address the small crowd that was gathering below. He looked down at them with a beaming smile. “It’s really over! We made it through another Pride month!” he shouted. “Now everyone go home and have a lovely, heterosexual July.”

Linnea Cooley

Written by

Linnea Cooley is an undergraduate writer at the University of Maryland. Follow her on twitter @linnea_cooley or visit her website linneacooley.weebly.com

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