3.3 Opening the Body to Pleasure

Opening the Body to Pleasure

Below is a session plan I’ve used when my intention was to facilitate a woman opening her body to pleasure. I’ve picked up the exercises over the last couple of years, on some brilliant training retreats. You’re welcome to use them too, no matter what gender your body. I’m pretty aware that I haven’t included much stuff specifically for couples in my mail. This is primarily because I think it can all be applied to couples or singles. However, this outline, or pieces of it, could be really useful for opening up new areas of long-term/monogamous/committed-in-some-way relationships, understanding each other, dissipating blocks in communication, or healing emotional wounds.

My intention was coming from the perspective that, in many sexual encounters in our culture, the man dictates things, ejaculates and then you’re both done. Many women in our Western culture have done what they can to adapt to these conditions, managing to squeeze out their own orgasm, if they’re lucky, in the time given to them. It doesn’t have to be this way for anyone. 
 
 I would usually guide this all the way through; I am “going there” with the person undertaking the journey. If you decide to take some of this into your own life, I really recommend “going there” with the other person or people involved. It’s about a shared journey, even if one of you is doing the ‘space-holding’ or guidance.

Share.

On the floor, sitting opposite each other, share what you are feeling right now. If you’re the listener, just nod and say, “thank you,” or “ I hear you.” You do not need to solve any problems presented. It’s also really important to understand that these are things the person feels, and even if the things relate to you, it’s not about you! Honour them for sharing themselves with you.

Explain what’s going to do happen in this session. “There is the option for some touching, are you okay with that? We will check in before that happens,” is something that it would be good to say at the start. Consent is essential. If there’s any hesitancy here, you can easily alter the practices.

Movement.

Movement is important because it gets our energy flow connected to our main erotic instrument, the body! This is part of the ‘activation’ process of the sexual/embodied encounter. We need to activate our bodies if we’re going to be making love. It should not be an arduous process, or an intellectual one, but a process of joy and celebration, and, if not that, a process of depth and sincerity. Taking our body and what the nervous system experiences seriously is really important. So put some music on and move in whatever way feels good. Finish with a self-massage of the groin, buttocks, breast, jaw, forehead, and crown; and then stretch, opening the heart (front and back and sides) and releasing the psoas muscle (in your hips, groin and lower-back; front and back and sides).

Open the circle.

Just by bringing attention to the centre (of one’s being; of the symbolic space you are establishing), but also to the place in which we’re having this ceremony, we invite our bodies to open a little more, and to feel safe where it is. This is what Tantra would say is the key to conscious female sexual pleasure, at least in response to how our culture has conditioned the female’s sexual experience: feeling safe and at home; feeling nurtured and that there are no tasks to be performed. We call in the deeper self, the higher self, and the transpersonal self. We open to what we don’t know in our minds, and what wants to reveal itself.

Eye gaze.
 Eye gazing is about acknowledging presence: our own and the other person’s. It’s all about not having to do anything with another person. So, I’d invite you to start by just sitting opposite the other person with your eyes closed, acknowledging their presence, and understanding that you don’t have to do anything here. Now, turn your attention to your internal world. What’s going on in your body? Let that sit for a couple of minutes, and let it develop. With your eyes closed, opening up to voice and sound, give that feeling a noise. Make that noise. What vibe has making that noise created in the transpersonal space; how do you feel about it? Now give that feeling a movement… Then, let it all settle. Now open your eyes and acknowledge each other for a period of time. Go with your gut. Finish, and move straight on.

Move and mirror.

Sitting opposite each other still, one person leads and the other person follows. The leader starts moving and the follower mirrors what they are doing. Then swap, so that the follower can now step into the leader’s shoes. The point of this is to drop into our bodies and feel aware of both our self and the other person. This is really powerful. We get a reflection of our physical selves. There is no right way of doing this and there is no wrong way. Execute and then allow it to settle in rest.

Closer or further away: hug.

Check into boundaries. “Are you okay with being hugged?” It is okay for the answer to this question to change either way once the exercise gets going. It doesn’t have to be a hug, but it is great if what you agree on is some kind of intimate, physical, or embracing gesture. This exercise is about boundaries. We might be able to go in for a hug very easily day-to-day, but this is perhaps mostly due to social convention. What if our bodies are saying they are not cool with that and we don’t even know?

Stand opposite each other across the room. With hand gestures, direct the opposite person to come closer, get further away, or pause. Only invite them to come closer if you are a 100% “fuck yes!” to the idea of them coming closer. If you get to the point where you are, like, “fuck yes! I want a hug,” offer it to the other person and allow them to come in for a hug. Feel the energy of that fully consenting hug. Sit back down and allow the process to sink in. Swap.

Ask for what you want and get it.

Now, this is the exercise we’ve been building up to over the session. One person is the receiver and the other person is the giver. The giver asks the receiver, “what would you like to receive?” The receiver articulates to the giver, in whatever way they feel works, what they would like to receive. Maybe it is a neck massage, maybe it is just being held. There are no right or wrong answers. The receiver asks for what they want and the giver feels into whether they consent to giving it or not. If not, they can offer back a suggestion or ask the receiver to think of something else. The giver can also take the opportunity to clarify exactly what the receiver wants to receive: “a hard or soft massage?” or “where exactly?” The giver must check whether the receiver has any boundaries for the practice, and adhere to them. You can swap after you’ve practiced it, or you can sit and let it settle, and then go again with the same giver and receiver. There are no limits here.

Finish when it feels right. It’s often good to create an end point and stick to it, like giving the exercise a 15-minute length, for example.

Close the circle

Offer three words describing how you feel having been on this journey. Write down anything that has come to you, or what you want to take with you into the world. Spend 5 minutes writing a stream-of-consciousness piece. Hug; say thank you; bow.

Practice to take home: embodied self-pleasure. Just give yourself a massage, or witness your partner giving themselves a massage. Guide your partner through some of these practices understanding that you are in service to them by doing so.