3.1 Trusting Consent

Welcome to the Lions Gazing Download Series 3

❤

3.1 Trusting Consent

I was astounded today by how good I felt, months after I had done some deep work around giving and receiving consent. Because this happened today, and because it was so profound, I’ll relate it here.

I have a lover who is very dear to me. She was formative in my relationships with women. With her I went from Melbourne eastern suburbs private school boy dating girls who were the same as me, to a human being part of a wider context able to connect with women based on my desire and not based on it being ‘just what you do’ in my social set. But I have a lot of stories related to her that can be limiting: “I hurt her, so she wouldn’t want to speak to me”; “she’s older now and wants someone to marry”; “she’s damaged goods and I’m taking advantage”…

These are stories that are not necessarily true. They are strings of logic I believe in, or have believed in. But what even is truth, right? (What to do when you notice you’re running stories like this can be the subject of another post.)

I’m interested in connecting with this woman again. Asking her to catch up was easy. We do it quite regularly. So we had tea at my house. Perfectly ‘innocuous’. (Except for the fact that I was daring enough to suggest that we meet at my house and not at a bar or café!)

All was honky dorey as we chatted, but I was hearing a sentence in my head over and again, and it wasn’t coming out of my mouth: “I’d love to see more of you.” I felt that niggling sentence begin to derail our conversation. I couldn’t focus. I was saying words and kind of listening but not like I should have been, or would have been if I were fully present and sharing my intentions with her as I had actually wanted to.

The thing that really stood out for me was this niggling fear of being called someone who ‘just wants to sleep with women’ (as if that’s a bad thing; as if I would only do it badly; as if women allow that to happen, but actually want something else; as if I am incapable of having a different kind of relationship; as if the desire to go deep isn’t one that is bubbling away for me too.) And I don’t like feeling guilty about wanting to connect with women.

So what kicked in for me to meet this fear and guilt was trusting in the concept of consent. By trusting in consent, I could put whatever proposal I wanted out there and understand that she would have the capacity to consent to the proposal or not. I know that consent doesn’t happen by coercion, so I was not concerned with designing my proposal to increase the likelihood of her saying ‘yes.’ By trusting in the idea of consent, I was able to honour myself and my desires.

I have no idea, really, what she was looking for in catching up with me. Maybe it was just to catch up with an old friend, maybe it was to initiate a sexual connection again. Whatever it was, by me putting my desires out there as an offer, in a way that expresses my freedom and honours my feelings, she is free to meet that proposal in whatever way feels free and honouring for her. It’s bloody beautiful, and I am giving myself permission to do that all the time.

Let me give you permission to do that too.

Love,

Simon

TL;DR (internet speak for ‘too long; didn’t read’): In really trusting how consent works, you honour yourself and create the possibility of amazing, open connections with others.

Practice 1: Set a timer for 5 minutes and stand in front of a mirror. Looking into your own eyes, say “I desire….” and fill in the blank yourself. When you’re finished one desire, say another. “I desire…” Just let the desires come up from your heart/subconscious/higher plane, wherever. Voicing them is the real magic here. Keep going until 5 minutes is up. Thank yourself for taking the time.

This is the third series of emails I’m sending, and the first series of writing I’ve posted to Medium. The first series is now available as a book designed by Lauren Bending, with photos by Gabrielle Hall-Lomax, and printed by McNally Jackson in New York City. If you’d like a copy of that, let me know! I’m continuing with my ‘download’ approach here: just writing what comes to me in the realm of tantra, sex, love, and consciousness. I hope you find room for them to serve you. If you know people who you think would benefit from these emails, please shoot me their addresses and I’ll add them to the list. And please do send me any questions you have, or areas you want covered, no matter how weird. I’ll respond and (anonymously) include the correspondence in one of the next emails!).