What’s been going through my mind.
Lately I’ve been feeling really depressed. That waas the main reason why I started writing, to free my mind just a litte bit.
It’s hard to explain why I’ve been feeling so bad, because it started some years ago. Every single bad thing people said to me, every little bad thing that happened and every feeling I’ve had during this last 3 years of my life I’ve kept it inside of me. I acted like I didn’t care about it, like it didn’t hurt. I built kind of a barrier that separated my heart from the outside, or at leaast that’s what i thought. I guess every barrier as a little flaw, and mine did. It had so many little flaws that even though I didn’t want to, these bad comments, feelings and thoughts entered in me. I got so used to the burden that i didn’t even feel it.
I guess my barrier could hold on any more, and one day, I colapsed. Actually, it was last week. I felt like I could take it anymore. I wanted to cry so badly, but I couldn’t. All this years trying to build my “I don’t care about anything” personality thrown away. If I cried, It would feel like surrender. AND I CLEARLY DIDN’T WANT TO SURRENDER. But I think we can’t control feelings and we can’t control our needs.
I broke down crying. I cried in silence, because having a big family, anyone could hear me crying and they would’ve asked whats wrong and I didn’t know what was wrong. I just felt like crying, I felt like I wanted to take everything out of me. I cried for so many hours, my headache was growing and I felt so freaking bad. I couldn’t tlk to anyone, I’ve never liked when people felt sorry for me. I’m not an attention seeker and I’ll never be.
My mind was tired of thinking about everything, it was so full of everything.
The day after, I realised why I cried so much. Why I felt so down. There were many things I had been carrying the last years of my life, and they were aching so badly inside of me.
First of all, I’ve never felt completely comfortable anywhere or with anyone. Not even my best friends. Not even my family. The only moment I would feel like myself was when I was alone. The moment I stepped out of my bedroom or saw a person, I would tense up. I would start thinking about how that person would react and what they would think of me. “Would they judge me? What are they thinking? They are probably thinking I’m stupid. Do I have anything in my face? Why are they looking at me like that. Maybe it’s because I’m ugly.” and so many other thing would cross my mind. Every time I tried to act like myself, someone would say something like “What are you doing” “You are being so weird” or they would simply laugh about me or ignore me.
Second of all, I started feeling lonely. No one understood me, no one cared about me, no one felt the way I did, no one wanted to be with me. Or at least that’s what went through my mind every time I was with people, even my closest friends. In class, I would try to tell someone something and they would just ignore me. I felt invisible. When I tried to get into a group, and add myself in the conversation, they would start making inside jokes, donn’t include me or simply walk away to do something else.
Third of all, I started having the lowest confidence I’ve ever had. During my life, it’s uncountable how may times people have called me ugly, told me I had a big nose or when I tried to talk to a boy, I would end up finding out they said I was REALLY UGLY. To be honest, I’ve never felt like and ugly girl. I know I’m not the cutest girl in the world, not even close, but I never felt like I was an UGLY girl. I was ok, you know, like maybe I guy with not such a great taste in girls could like me. I’ve never cared about what people told me, but when I realised that it was me, myself, who was bringing me down, it was me who was saying all that ugly stuff about myself, makin myself feel bad, I knew something was wrong. Something was really wrong. I still have to work on my confidence, a lot. Last saturday, I went to mcdonalds with some friends. Once there, I bumped with some other friends of mine, who I have a good relationship with. I ordered my food and bumped into another friend of mine called Juan. Juan went there with his friends from football, who I knew by name, Rama and Estani. I went up to him and talked for a little bit, we catched up quickly and I went back to my group of friends. When I turned around, I saw Estani asking Juan who I was. He answered “It’s Lippa Hatcher” and then, Estani said “She’s ugly”. I read his lips. In that moment, my night got ruined. I felt so bad. I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHY THE HECK WOULD SOMEONE SAY THAT. THERE WAS NO POINT. I DIDN’T SAY ANYTHING BAD ABOUT HIM SO WHY WOULD HE DO THAT. WHY. That completely destroyed my confidence. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back.
The fourth thing and for now, the last one I’m going to talk about, was te fact that I feel lost. Lost in life. I feel like I’m not good at anything. Everyhting I have is in half. I’m a good person, but I’m not that good. I’m funny, but I’m not that funny. I’m intelligent, but I’m not that intelligent. EVERYTHING is half done. I feel like whenn I was created, my cretor was tired and didn’t want me to be good at anything. I don’t even know what I’m interested in. I’m probably going to live under a bench in a playground and my brother will have to maintain me because I don’t know what I like, what I want ot study. I feel like nothing.
The worst part about all of my problems is that I can’t talk to anyone about it, because no one gets how I feel. If I talked to my friends about it, they would say that I’m crazy, and they would give the same speech they always give me, about what a wonderful person I am and how beautiful I am inside out but I don’t need that. I know my problem is in my mind, that it is my imagination. I know I have friends and that not everyone thinks I’m ugly. I know that I’m crazy and that’s why I write, to realise that some of these things are not even real, they are in my head. My stupid overthinking mind. In some years I’m going to read this and I’m going to be proud of myself for overcoming all the problems I had. I know the change starts in me, and I’m finally starting.
I’m sorry for you. You have to read about all my stupid problems. You are probably thinking I’m overreacting and that I am just a girl and that there is people with much more important problems than mine and I know that. But I write for my own mind health.