Random Series

11/5/2018

As I as reading about “A Simple Favor”, when i read about the life of Emily, I realized that what my dream really is. i enjoy writing so much. And I love love adventures, talking to different people, different experiences. and What i truly want in life is really to record everything, and every feeling I have, so it can become something that is whole. For example, the life of a girls who is just ordinary and unique. I just want to be, i don’t want to think about the past nor the future, I just want to be whom I am and live.

The moment that i read about Emily’s life. I very much connect hers to mine. Stephanie, I believe her name is stephanie. she is like that normally grown up girl. who has always lived in the safe side of the life, and then married someone who is talented and kind man. she had a kid, then became a house wife despite all the talents that she had. Emily is very diffrent that she lived a life that is full of secrets and pride. I really don’t care what she is truly hiding, I just want to say, that everyone has a pasy, everyone lives at the presence, and everyone is unknown to the future.

11/06/2018

I don’t remember anyone has ever told what is life really is like or about. Some have tried to tell me, but at that time, I was already primarily developed, too rebellious and hurt to listen to anyone. I had to learn life in the hardest way ever compares to everyone else. I am trying to figure my dream, once was crashed, so I chose reality instead. For example, making as much money as possible, is a no-brainer dream. yes, it is important, i am working on that. Cause financial foundation decides elevated life goals. Many thinks that life is about dreams. Truly tho, life is about having at the balance of knowing how to substance oneself on a savage level and sophisticated enough to understand one really is about beyond all desires.

I had a coffee today, life seems more clear. the problem i was having was that i was having too much coffee, that i kept myself going and going, cause I couldn’t sleep. Then i quit it, but I started to have too much wine that seemingly I was always so exhausted. maybe it is about the balance between coffee and life? I think so.

So I posted something in Wechat like a minute ago, says “I am what I put into. Wine makes me happy, fitness makes me happy, words makes me happy (in both reading and writing forms), real connection makes me happy, being alone makes me happy too, I think in the end of the day, we are searching for happiness that is true to who we are”. Now the reason that I want to mention this is because someone I just had one night stand with on this past Saturday night, liked my post but didn’t reply my messages that i sent a few hours ago. What does this mean?! It means that it is not he is not too busy to reply, he just simply doesn’t want to reply!!! ladies, please pay attention here! He doesn’t want to reply or he doesn’t know how to reply, either way, his desire to talk to us is defeated by his rational thoguhts and feelings. The thing about love/relationship is that, truly, hormone is not everything, sex is not everything, being pretty/handsome, smart and successful is not everything! Love truly is about meeting the right people, at the right place and at the right time. Unfortunately we are too often misled by the stupid romantic stories or fairytales misguided! They led us think, if love is powerful enough, we can travel across the entire ocean, and endure a life time long, to pursuit that love. Well, it is not necessary wrong. It is really about the subjective definition of love and how we view it. May it be the sex that is amazing, the family/education/bring up background is very similar, all the life values/goals are synchronized, or maybe it is just the aloneness and loneliness that are eating us alive, we needed something to feed that hunger we have been feeling despite how much food we eat. Either ways, life is all about Ying and Yang, if you know what I am talking about. It is about simply building a family or love someone as if living in a lusty life forever. I think the question is that what is right? Who is the right person, where is the right place and what is that right time?! Well, well, well, our feelings tell us that. Are we happy? For the moment of being with them and hugged by them? well, that could be that we are lonely! However, like how many colleges nowadays, or school in general, evaluate students on a complex and well rounded aspect, love is the same. Are we happy on a cumulated level? One night of happiness and excitement is one thing, someone is handsome/pretty, loving/sweet, kind/caring, successful/confident, are other things, the question about what is right is that we we truly want? What are the elements that are the essential elements compose our happiness?!!!

I know, that I just want to live, experience, love/dislike, wine, fitness, words, connections, diffferen places (mountains, rivers, desserts, and oceans), please let me be me, not that I need any of your permission. I just want to beg your pardons, be kind enough not to use me and be strong enough if one day I am gone.

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