An end to mean girls and queen bees.

Lisa Clapper
Aug 24, 2017 · 8 min read

(updated slightly on 7/24/19, so you know)

This all started when I read the queen bee in the office in The Atlantic. Props to Kim Elsesser, a stellar woman and Vassar classmate, author of Sex and the Office, for all her research. You can check out her work here.

The research basically says that women are not supportive of each other in offices. “Women seem to cut down women.” When Olga Kazan, the author, interviewed many women, she found a pattern of wanton meanness.

There’s a lot of good stuff in that article, but it’s that meanness I want to address, in the only way I can, through my own lens of experience.

I’ve been working in, out and around marketing and advertising organizations for over 25 years and I’ve witnessed every kind of leader. Good. Brilliant. Inspiring. Empathetic. Bad. Very ugly. Threatened. Threatening. Every kind of leader. Every kind of behavior. And I have probably encountered more bad versions of females in positions of leadership than males. And the article in the Atlantic tells us there are many deep-seated, inherent and cultural reasons for that. But I posit that it does not have to be that way.

When I was younger, like every tween, adolescent, even twenty something girl or women, I was befriended, bullied, left out, brought back in, and left behind, in a vicious and occasionally virtuous circle of female behavior.

And I too did this to other women, on occasion, perhaps not as much as others, perhaps advertently, but mostly without thinking. And mostly because I, too, was just trying to get by, make my own way and stand on my own and together with others. And not always seeing the best examples of how to do that can make it exceedingly difficult to find new ways of behaving.

So herein, I share a bit of my past. Nothing comprehensive, but a few illustrative limiting notions and some freeing experiences.

I felt left out…

  • And called out as a half Jewish kid at a girl scout camp excursion where everyone was going to Catholic mass. Let’s move away from her and say stuff like “Your dad is Jewish?” and “you don’t go to mass?” Nope, do you have any idea what that even means? The female adult scout leaders didn’t step in and help the sitch. Or if they did, it was not nearly in time.
  • As a freshman, I was given the “old uniforms” along with one of my teammates on our high school softball team. In the games and in the team picture, we stood out as different/lesser/not worthy of the standard uniform. It may have been a woman coach who didn’t stop that from happening. Or someone else deep in the administration who didn’t think it necessary to spend the money on all the girls on the softball team. Regardless, not being fully part of the team at the early stage may have led to me not making varsity until I was a senior. Or it led to a resilience that a teammate mentioned in my yearbook “You’re the one person I must admire the most. Though I still tease you, but it’s all in fun.” Pretty much illustrates the duality of the mind and mode of a teenage girl.

Let’s fast forward a few years to the world of grown ups in business..

I was suppressed, misunderstood, and uncelebrated by a woman boss.

She dismissed positive feedback as irrelevant or even false because “I was friends with them.” Incidentally, she’s a woman I never should have given the ok to hire when I first interviewed her. Because you never know when someone will get “reorganized” into being your boss. Being friends with the people I worked with and getting favorable 360° reviews did not and does not happen because I was friends with them first but because I became friends with them because of how well and successfully we worked together for the company, on a breakthrough project. She gave me a “below target” that was impossible to dispute in the subjective and strange land of performance reviews. This incident compelled me to walk out (literally) of a brand I loved because of how that mean woman in power treated me and others.

In the redemptive cycle of life, I was asked back a year later by a woman who not only championed me, but saw the mess that got worse while I was gone, and fired the other woman. She is one of the really good ones.

I’ve been judged for being too emotional and crying in my office when my remote so-called bosses and higher ups (most of whom were female) did not vibe with what was going on in the Bay. Pushing back so hard on the client that the feedback on our way out was that we were “hard to work with.” I’ll go ahead and own that I was called out as a welcome, strategic exception to that, along with the exceptional women on my team (and one wonderful guy). These are brilliant, complicated and ridiculously kind women who have gone on to run their own teams with grace and empathy and tons of laughter. Not to mention our wonderful clients who have scattered the world to do good…a quick shout out to this fabulous woman who is now both living her own authentic life with unapologetic joy, while she helps others do the same.

I am not immune to treating women wrong.

I was mean too, more than once…

I left behind a very good friend from my neighborhood in high school when I became nominally more popular with other girls — I didn’t have the fortitude to see in my own mirror. And I did it again in college. At least once. Or twice. Because I didn’t think they were cool enough. When I thought I was cool, this meanish, exclusive streak came out. So instead of just welcoming them into a circle big enough for all the ladies, I cut them out.

And for that, I am sending my giant apologies in the form of self and cultural awareness and the (not ever finished) growth that comes with a lot of perspective, experience and age.

I’m not perfect.

I take up a lot of space for a petite woman. I’m very very high energy, which can be a bit overwhelming. I haven’t always given women room to have their voices heard. Sometimes they need to point it out (Please, point it out!). But when and if I am anything but welcoming and inclusive, it’s never out of malice or a lack of fostering the tribe, it’s out of enthusiasm and catching the wave. And riding it.

If you ask most women who have worked with me in some fashion, I am all about giving people a voice. In rooms mostly dominated by men in many many ways.

Which leads me to this. I was on the phone with a dear collaborator the other month and I interrupted him and he said, “Yes, I love being interrupted by a woman. Do it. Do more of it. And keep on doing it.” Can’t stop. Won’t stop. And it’s one more reason I love working with him.

Which brings me back to how we show up in the world. As WOMEN.

Helping each other. Or not. Respecting each other. Or not. Including each other. Or not. What we do impacts every single person we meet. And adds up to a collective experience. And an individual one. An experience that stays with people — long after you can even imagine. So why not make the swath you cut on this earth a positive, yayful one?

I want to call out some awe-inspiring girls and women by name.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. And I could go on and on. And it’s quite possible nobody will read this. Or get this far. But if they do, I want you all to know that it matters to me to start to recognize some of the amazing women I have had the privilege to meet. And greet. And befriend. And be befriended.

And with a big shout out to Elizabeth Gilbert and a bit of #BigMagic (You can get more here on the podcast), I was compelled, inspired and received the magic I needed to write this.

So…

Karen, Caren, Caryn, Chris, Christine, Krista, Eunice, Kristen, Rachel, Kate, Ana, Anna, Ana Carolina, Andrea, Phyllis, Mindy, Mindi, Kristi, Gina, Gia, Jamie, Jen, Jenn, Jenni, Jenny, Jennifun, Lisa, Sara, Amy, Aimee, Bridget, Brigitte, Francesca, Suzi, Susie, Viv, Katie, Aimee, Amy, Lauren, Alexis, Alexa, Adrien, Adrienne, Sandy, Alison, Allison, Sumter, Frances, Melissa, Michelle, Michele, Julie, Laurel, Tina, Pat, Cat, Catherine, Katherine, Kathryn, Mary, Deanna, Tierney, Tia, Tara, Rosanne, Beth, Jamie, Lynn, Betsy.

You are some of the women I’ve supported and been supported by. Many in offices, many as friends. Many in offices as friends.

There’s Reva, Rebecca, Emily, Jordan, Mimi, Tanya, Joo, Joo Eun, Victoria, Valerie, Pam, Pamela, Serena, Tami, Tammy, Cheryl, Sheryl, Becky, Elizabeth, Elisabeth, Kyle, Courtney, Cynthia, Christina, Wendy, Brandi, Mag, Dara, MK, Kara, Debbie, Maria, Claudia, Kathryn, Rachael, Kimetha, Natalie, Sue, Karla, Carla, Carley, Carly, Carlee, Alice, Fiona, Judy, Stacie, Stacy, Fermina, Hilary, Hillary, Leia, Sophie, Leticia, Hollie, Holly, Heather, Suzanne, Trish, Jay, Ivette, Janet, Janice. Erica, Mareike, Magali, Marian, Marianne, Mandy, Morgan, Corinne, Karin, Roxy, Anne, Renata, Abby, Annie, Hasna, Adrien, Adrienne, Tamara, Stacy, Stacie, Brenda, Barbara, Silva, Mary, Liz, Liesel, Margaret, Kim, Caitlin, Danielle, Meredith, Ahroon, Gloria, Shannon, Shannan, Shannyn, Anne Marie, Barb, Barbara, Nuala, Ivy, Monica, Mirm, Rachel, Joanne, Julie, Trisha, Trish, Laurie, Diane, Eve, Preston, Jacquelyn, Jacyln, however many ways you spell that name, Caren, Caryn, Karen, Vanessa, Kelly, Linda, Eileen, Heather, Maye, Susanne, Jody, Jane, Lila, Tracy, Julie, Mable, Kelly, Kellie, Lara, Gizella, May Key, Rhetta, Natasha, Justine, Paula, Sang, Eva, Bonnie, Rosa, Juliette, Amanda, Maureen, Nichelle, Lindsay, Lindsey, Tara, Patty, Patti, Brooke, Tracy, Tracey, Tina, Melanie, Ashley, Colleen, Irina, Karolin, Carolina, Eunice, Carol, Carole, Megan, Meghan, Meg, Marjorie, Eve, Carrie, Kari, Emelia, Dava, Roxy, Gina, Sharon, Shelli, Shari, Sherry. And more.

And even if you’re not mentioned, you’re here, because if I took the time to remember every single good woman by name, I might run out of days. And I want to actually publish this.

Gather your ladies close. And far.

In offices. On fields and pitches (this one and the ones where these gems of women developed and honed their massive mastery and capacity for joy — I call that Yay) gyms and studios and trails and conference rooms and bars and halls and fests and rallies and sites and posts.

It is time for more women to step up, be confident, own their success AND be welcoming and supportive of each other.

As a inclusive tribe. A warm and buzzing hive. To be great examples. To change the world, one individual interaction at a time.

(This is even more true since I first wrote this. And you all know why.)

Be a woman who treats women with respect, love and honor. In business. And well, well beyond.

Listen to each other. Talk out loud. Loudly. Softly. Frequently. Challenge each other. Fall in love with each other. Even fall out of love with each other. And move on. But don’t close the bigger circle. Don’t leave women hanging outside the door. Or the dance. When it no longer serves you. Instead, make sure it serves you. And serves them. Because it serves all of us and the world at large to be our own champions, and champions of women.

Promote each other. Hire each other. Connect each other. Connect with each other. Mentor each other. Make each other better. To paraphrase the prolific Benjamin HardyHold each other to a higher standard than you hold yourself. And go forth and surround yourself with those that do. Make better, more substantive/action-based events for women in business (because it matters more than you know and so do we). While you surround yourself with your own higher standard of honor, love and compassion. And while you’re at it, get away from those that don’t. Get higher each day..as you keep each other honest and be honest with each other.

Keep the love going.

I’m in. Are you?

#YayWomen.

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