I just wanted you.
I so badly wanted the man you pretended to be.
The future you made me dream of,
The love you offered, and just as soon took away.
I just hoped this was real.
Despite the violations of my trust,
The betrayals of integrity and honesty.
I believed your words, your emotions, your illusions of happiness.
I believed it so deeply and with profound intensity,
That I manipulated my own thoughts to ignore the discomfort.
Deceived my own heart, so that I could feel loved.
Even when that love was an unfulfilling, tormented kind of love that required way more work to keep it together than it did just to be in it.
Even when that love left me sad, lonely and unable to recognize my own reflection.
I wanted it so bad, you so bad, that I sacrificed myself and the things most important to me.
I let you deprive me of my worthiness in the simple quest for it.
It’s so fucking twisted.
But not as twisted as me sitting here missing you.
Waiting for you to speak,
To beg for my forgiveness,
To validate my pain.
It aches, it consumes and it haunts me how desperately I want to hear from you.
But just like your inability to live up to the illusions of the man you so desperately wanted me to believe you are, I know you are equally incapable of acknowledging the kind of pain and damage you have caused.
The kind of wounds you’ve inflicted on my very being.
The ways in which you have changed my ability to love myself and share my soul with another person.
I know you are too cowardly to own that.
You’d rather I wear it, almost like a trophy of your conquest.
Another badge for your sash.
You walk away from the wreckage so that you never have to look failure, guilt and shame in the eyes.
But you know, that kind of darkness never goes away….
You may turn your back to it, run from it, distract yourself from it.
It may envelope me momentarily, as you have unloaded your burdens of insecurity and self-hatred and tried to make them mine.
But the reality is, that darkness undeniably lies within you.
It will one day unravel you, and inevitably become you.