Hello my darling. I’m writing to you again, even though you’ve been dead for 696 days now. I don’t think it’s a sign of incipient insanity….or perhaps that’s the sign itself, not realising that I have actually gone mad with grief. Because you see Den my darlin, I think I will go truly mad if I don’t put this pain to some use. It’s one of those anniversary days…our favourite one…..the Jumping the Broom day.. do you know, with all the havoc that MS has played on my memory, I can still remember us in that pool in Kenya, just days after I’d been diagnosed and we still had no clue how bad it was going to get….it was one of those infinity pools and I had to stay in it all day because the heat was so unbearable. And you my darling, you were just so lovely, so resolute, so patient as your world crumbled and your girlfriend became someone else. You stood with me, holding my hand and telling me it would be ok. And you said we could Jump the Broom, like the characters in your story had done. The short story you wrote at your writing class when it was ‘romance’ week and the woman next to you moved her chair slightly away and said pityingly, ‘well of course, you won’t be able to do that one will you, what with you being a you know….a ..” and she couldn’t say lesbian and you laughed like a drain when you came home and you wrote a beautiful love story about me and you. How proud were we when it was published? You were just so bloody cool weren’t you? Always.
And then when I got sick, you told me the story again, the story of two women, soulmates, who held hands and jumped from two souls into one. If you were here now, I know you’d remember, the two of us in that pool in Kenya, my legs, our whole world buckling beneath us. You standing strong…..like you always did….and then you let me make it into something real. 150 friends in this beautiful garden where I sit now just with Lolly. You know she fully has no manners Den and carrys the very essence of your ‘I’m not sorry’ approach to life. I adore her.
Always, always I remember that day, the beautiful broom made by Marai and Talia, you crying and saying you were going to kill me for all this and loving it all but finding it a bit much. Looking back, considering how shy you were, you really did do some stuff for me eh? Thankyou. In case I wasn’t clear before you left. Thankyou so much.
It’s all such a long long time ago eh babe? Actually, according to google, its 4748 days…that’s a lot of days since the best day of my life. well, one of them. There were so many best days with you. I cannot talk to you these days without tears because of course, you’re never going to answer me again. That really is some heavy duty shit babe. Most days I do alright but today, well, I miss you beyond explanation.
Of course, you can’t read this, but I shall need an audience. It really is very quiet without you. All part of that not stable bit babe……talking to you, writing to you, feeling as if you’re somewhere very close. Yet actually, asking other people to understand how this feels. Whilst accepting that we can only feel our own experiences. It’s the nature of all this social media bit…you’d love it. I think. Either way, you were right. As always. Writing does help to make sense of the madness and the pain. But it doesn’t quite take it away. You knew that too eh my darling? I hope the stardust suits. 💞