What do you do when you experience bullying in the workplace??? Not out-right bullying, but the underlying kind. The kind where you can physically see that the sight of you leaves a bad taste in their mouth. Where you can see the disgust creep from their eyes down to the pursed withdrawn pulled in lips. Where, since they can’t find a reason to fire you without a good reason, so they start to search, creep around you, fish for any little thing they can use against you and slowly try and build a case for firing you? When they overlook you for a position that was just created and given to a relative and don’t tell you anything about it, but you do the accounting for the company he now works for? When your work is being taken away from you and you’re silently shunned out of conversations or blatantly ignored when asking questions?

Isn’t there a label for these kind of activities? What to do when you want to file a complaint but there’s no human resources department to file one with? No employee handbook has ever been received on how to handle upper management bullying. When everyone in upper management is related and close friends with each other? Where does the complaint go? Nowhere.

So you stay stuck. You stay in a job that gives you anxiety attacks throughout the entire workday until you can locate another job and you suffer and you pray and you hope not to make a mistake because that’s all they need to fire you, and they’re definitely out to make this work out in their favor.

What happens when upper management is forced to apologize for berating you with such non-professional words for something of which you had no control over because they let a situation get so out of hand that they now need a scapegoat but wait… you’re just coming on board and trying to help clean up a mess over 4 years old but the manager of your department is also jumping on upper management’s band wagon so it isn’t revealed that she’s the reason this was not handled before this point. She has been in the position of supervisor for over 5 years and yet no one questions what she was doing while this was all going down under her watch.

But wait, now that nepotism is in play, I have to wait out a determination for an expiration date in my current job. Because he can’t take over with inaccurate information that was left by others before me, that I was never given the opportunity to explore because I would have been overstepping my boundaries and learning too much, yet am taking the blame for all of this although I have been recouping past loss money (which isn’t even my job).

She is the manager no one ever questioned. I had one day worth of training before the lady before me left her position to move across the country with her husband (and even she warned me, along with several other employees) about the nepotism and disgust they feel for us). One day training, because they didn’t want me there when they gave her a sending off celebration on their dime. So 7.5 hours to learn a piece of a puzzle and I figured out the rest on my own.

My manager left me on my own, so that she wouldn’t have any responsibility if anything happened on my watch. She achieved that goal. So instead of guiding me and helping me, she watched me drown until I learned how to swim. She thought I could solve this half a million dollar problem on my own….and I did for the most part, but you can’t break rules. I broke no rules,, I did my job. Six months into this job almost makes me wish I was homeless in a shelter again, rebuilding my life from domestic abuse. At least I had hope then of a better situation.

Because right now I have no hope. No bright light at the end of the tunnel. With the current events going on around me in this world and the atmosphere I have to endure at my place of employment, it makes me sad but bills must be paid. My personal price — my quality of life. Is it worth it to put up with these people for my income so that I can stay in my wonderful home and survive? A third of my day is spent in these circumstances and I would prefer to be on the front lines of war… Is it worth it to constantly break into sweats while at work because you’re wondering what are they going to do to you today? For my home, for my children…yes.

So I fight injustice in my own way…with my health. My mental health, my emotional well-being every day. Every day. I may not get shot by the police, but I work around a group of people who would support one if I was to become that type of victim.

And I pray to stay employed every day, because I know how hard it was to get a job but I should have remembered a very important phrase…

Be careful what you wish for….

Even now as I’m battling an upper respiratory infection, I’m worrying over my workday that I have to go into because it would be cause to fire me because I don’t have the time. I don’t have time to be sick and heal. Yeah my quality of life sucks at the moment but at least I can go home at the end of the day and try and rest before I face it all over again just to keep my children in a good school district, to have a safe living environment, stable income.

I’m hoping to find a new job soon…I’ll even take a pay cut. But something has got to give. Either fire me and give me my unemployment until I secure another job (which won’t take me too long because I’m awesome!!!) or stop. Just stop bullying me and let me get on with my job duties, or at least tell me what you want me to do, so in that way maybe, just maybe, you’ll see that I’m really really good at what I do, when given a chance to do it.

They’re lucky I’m not who I used to be…That’s all.