Try This On
You may have noticed that at the end of every Mind Management article I have a “Try This On” suggestion. This is the crux of mind management: being open to trying out new ideas and thoughts. I wanted to take a moment and elaborate on this topic so you’ll know what to do when you see the suggestion at the bottom of these articles.
Our mind is not out to harm us. It presents suggestions that it thinks will help and protect us. But sometimes it is misinformed. We need to manage it — to be in charge of it — in order to live our best lives. The brain is like a toddler with a knife. It’s not intending to cause damage, but it needs to be supervised.
However, that supervision and guidance must be gentle. That’s why I use the phrase “try this on.” It’s just light, just an idea, something to play with. When we harshly challenge what our mind offers us, it can backfire and create a stronger hold on the first belief. We have to go slowly and softly. We do this by recognizing our current thoughts, showing our mind what effect those notions have (by doing a Model), and then introducing our brain to other options.
In order to try on a new idea, we have to be willing to do two things: be wrong and believe impossible things. Let’s start with being wrong.
When we’re willing to experiment with a new notion, we are admitting on some level, “My current thinking might be mistaken.” This is difficult for humans to do. It is our strong tendency not only to want to be right but also to avoid being wrong at all costs. Our default setting says being incorrect is dangerous. Once we realize this, we can understand why our brain resists new concepts. Thank it for attempting to help and remind it that it’s okay to be wrong.
Our default setting says being incorrect is dangerous.
We’re afraid of being wrong because of what we make it mean. When we are right about something, we use that as evidence that we must be smart or worthy. We feel validated. But when we realize we were mistaken, our brain believes we aren’t as smart, aren’t as worthy. It tells us all sorts of negative things. Also, being wrong is scary: “Am I right about this other thing? About anything?” The mind starts to question everything.
Because of our wiring to fear being incorrect, our brain wants to be right more than it wants to help us feel good. Even if it holds a painful belief (such as “My mom doesn’t love me”), our mind doesn’t want to release that thought because it means we were wrong. Instead, we continue to gather evidence for our position, and we fight any new ideas about the situation. The brain would rather suffer with its story than replace it.
Additionally, our mind wants to be right more than it wants to help us reach our goals. If our brain has a narrative about how we can’t do something, attempting to accomplish that thing can be tough because our mind wants validation that it was right. It wants to magnify the ways we can’t do that thing.
If we believe we’re not good at making money, our brain is motivated to make that true. It will sabotage our efforts, send discouraging messages, and deplete our motivation with negative talk. It’s challenging to release certain thoughts about ourselves and our lives. They seem so accurate and real, and our brain wants them to be right. It’s a fascinating process.
For many people, finding the idea that causes them pain is not the hard part. Once they are introduced to mind management, they can identify that “I’m not good at math” or “She is a horrible mother-in-law” are not helpful thoughts. But ironically, they resist letting go of those beliefs. They argue with any evidence that disproves them. When we allow our brain to insist it is right, we shut ourselves down from other possibilities. We have a narrow vision of the world and how to solve our problems.
This is why we don’t try to change the thought too quickly. Your mind doesn’t want to be wrong. Just play with a new idea. Don’t judge your brain for opposing it; introduce it lightly and watch what happens. Observe your mind fighting against it. Be curious and interested.
Practice being wrong. The more you show your brain that it’s not dangerous to be wrong, the better you will get at admitting when you are. Don’t make it mean anything terrible about yourself when you are. One of my favorite phrases is “I thought things were going to go this way, but I guess I was wrong. Let’s see what this is like.” Stay in curiosity.
The more you show your brain that it’s not dangerous to be wrong, the better you will get at admitting when you are.
You might be disappointed that life didn’t go the way you hoped, but if you allow that feeling, it will pass through you. Resisting reality, holding on to the idea that something went “wrong,” is what causes real emotional pain.
When an unexpected or undesirable event happens, separate from your mind a little bit and observe its reaction. Recognize the impulse to perceive that your preferred way was the “right” way for things to go and this way is clearly wrong. Isn’t that fascinating? Suggest to your mind that maybe this is the way things were supposed to go. It’s possible…
Now that we know the importance of being willing to be wrong about our notions, let’s talk about impossible thoughts. There are certain viewpoints that our brain will shut down immediately. It will say, “That’s impossible.” The mind only likes to accept opinions it has evidence for. For example, if we have gathered confirmation in the past for the belief “I’m good at making money,” then the brain trusts it. But if there is no past record of that, the mind resists it.
One key to living your best life is to learn how to believe impossible thoughts. Allow them to come in, permit yourself to give them consideration. My life coach likes to say, “Believing things I don’t have much evidence for makes me mentally stronger.” I love that concept. Start getting your brain used to impossible notions. Teach your mind that even though something hasn’t happened or hasn’t been the case before, does not mean that it can’t be.
Lewis Carroll knew the importance of this principle. In Alice in Wonderland, he wrote:
“Alice laughed: ‘There is no use trying,’ she said, ‘One can’t believe impossible things.’
‘I daresay you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. ‘When I was younger, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.’”
You have permission to believe whatever you want! And what you believe will greatly affect your life. Even if you’ve never started a business, you can believe in your ability to succeed at it. Even if everyone else tells you that video games will ruin your child, you’re allowed to trust that he will be okay. Even if you’ve spent a lifetime thinking “I don’t like the way I look,” I give you permission right now to believe the opposite.
We suppose we can’t accept something that isn’t “true,” as if there are evidence police who will punish us if we are unrealistic. This is such a strange view! The majority of the things we assume are factual are just made-up. Let’s make up other ideas, ones that serve us better.
One of my favorite “impossible thoughts” that my coach suggested might be useful is “Making money is easy and fun.” Why not believe that? Your brain might have all sorts of reasons and evidence to suggest otherwise, but you can think whatever you want about money, yourself, or your capabilities. Intellectually, you know that some people consider making money to be easy and fun, and you can too. How would this belief influence your behavior and your emotions? It seems a lot more fun and more freeing to believe this than the reverse.
When people who have accomplished an amazing feat are asked how they did it, they often say, “It wasn’t that big of a deal; anyone could do it.” However, we never give ourselves permission to assume that before we’ve completed the thing. This is an option. You are allowed believe that your goals are well within reach, if you want to. If you do, you might feel more motivation, less anxiety, and more joy in the process.
The same thought won’t work for everyone. Thoughts are like clothes; you have to try them on to know which ones fit you best. One function of a life coach is to offer a variety of thoughts that you may not have considered or that you rejected too quickly. Testing out different thoughts facilitates finding the one that feels right, that fuels the emotion you want, and that creates the results you desire.
Here are some more thoughts that might be hard to believe at first until you give yourself permission to accept viewpoints you don’t have evidence for.
-What happened in the past does not predict my future.
-Sometimes my kids don’t want to be happy, and that’s okay.
-It’s okay for people to be wrong about me.
-I can still be happy even if others around me aren’t happy.
-It’s okay for my child to get bad grades.
-I can speak up when I’m nervous.
-Just because most people agree on something, doesn’t make it true.
- My weaknesses as a parent are part of my kids’ growth and journey. I’m the perfect mom for them.
-I’m not supposed to be any different than I am right now.
If you naturally resist any of these, awesome! Here’s a chance to practice impossible thoughts. When you are willing to try on new concepts (which requires accepting that you have been wrong and allowing yourself to consider previously “impossible” things), you will be able to find the ideas that bring peace, permit you to perform at your highest self, and help you create a wonderful life.
Try this on: “I thought things were going to go this way, but I guess I was wrong. Let’s see what this is like.”
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“Disappointment comes in the gap between expectation and reality.”
