Now I Feel Enough, I’ve Stopped Searching for Answers
And things have started to flow
I have realised that so many things that I did or didn’t do came from a need to prove myself. To prove my self-worth, to prove I was worthy of love, and to prove I was the person I thought others wanted me to be.
I was caught in a never-ending circle of trying to be, do, and have more. I devoured self-help books and articles trying to find the magic cure to my debilitating low self-esteem. Searching for the “aha” moment when everything would click into place, and I would be fixed — no longer damaged goods and finally enough.
Not even my happily ever after marriage could eradicate the gnawing sensation of needing to be and do better. For years I searched for the answer that would make everything make sense. The catalyst for my self-confidence and self-belief.
I would journal, as the self-help books told me to. I would try to manifest my success using mantras and visualisation techniques. I would listen to motivational, inspirational podcasts and audiobooks on my way to work. I stopped reading fiction as I regarded that as a waste of my time. Every moment was spent learning or improving myself.
But, nothing I did could take away the underlying feeling that I was a failure and never as good as anyone…
