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Freshen Up

Photo courtesy Stocksnap

What happens when women ‘freshen up’ in movies? What do we not see? Do they walk into the bathroom, flip their hair like a jazz dancer, do a strip tease for no one, touch themselves a bit, and then pull on, inch by inch, with manicured nails, a black lace teddy?

Does their own act of freshening up make them wet? It seems to, because every time they crawl back into bed, fangs and claws out, they seem just as ready to go. More so, even.

And ‘freshening up’ definitely turns men on. They know what that means. They wait in bed, or maybe they quickly take off their clothes.

I’ll tell you what definitely isn’t happening.

There is no way that woman stumbles into her bathroom and looks for stray pubes. There is no way that woman slathers on some lotion or runs a wipe over her Gucci Coochie. There’s no way she bends over and checks on the status of her asshole, or shaves her armpits. There is no way she takes out a tampon, puts in a diaphragm, or, in the case of her having a yeast infection, removes any stray yogurt.

There is no way that woman pinches at her fat and wonders if doggy style would make her belly look gross. There is no way she debates whether or not to keep her bra on during sex. There is no way she thinks about ridiculous memes her frat-like brothers post on their timelines: Images of roast beef sandwiches and phrases like ‘fuck ’em floppy’ or ‘cock carousel.’

There is no way this woman is thinking about whether or not this man is a murderer or an abuser. There is no way this woman is trying to talk herself out of fear. “Maybe he actually is a nice guy,” she isn’t telling herself. Words like damaged and ruined do not haunt and threaten her. They do not sit in the back of her mind before, during, or after every sexual encounter.

There is no way her sultry arousal when she leaves the bathroom is an act. She does not need to get turned on all over again because the preoccupation of looking sexy has overpowered actually feeling sexy.

So you see, there is no need to console her, or go down on her, or assuage any of those fears that did not happen.

When a woman in the movies goes to freshen up, she’s actually making herself hornier. The bathroom is actually a Narnia-style magic door to a Victoria’s Secret model’s dressing room. She enters a mystical world men are not allowed to visit, is dressed in lace by sparkling birds, and returns to Earth to bless him with her vagina.

That’s what happens when women ‘freshen up.’