Dancing Like You’re 47

I’m not a Pete Yorn fan, but my husband is. Since my husband takes me to Disney even though he hates theme parks, I go to live music events with him even though I find staring at a musician I didn’t give birth to as exciting as folding socks. And this is on a normal day. Factor in that I had just sat through nine hours of jury duty and had not slept much the night before. I was close to comatose. Lucky for me and the husband, I found a concrete “bench” to sit on at the venue as there was really no other seating.

How can there be no seating at a show with an audience full of the newly arthritic joints generation, formerly known as Generation X? There were only like four people under forty there, and they were wearing “Security” shirts. There should have been row upon row of recliners, but there were no seats. So, I sat on that concrete and pretended I was Wilma Flintstone sitting on my couch.

While I was sitting there, trying to visualize my bed, I did the only thing I could do in this situation. I started people watching. Since I was super tired, and I have a fear of crowded public restrooms used by women who have been downing large beers, I did not eat or drink anything at the event. My husband, who has the bladder of a camel, sat next to me enjoying pizza and beer. I just stared at everyone. Of course, I had to start taking notes because the glucosamine party crew was trying to dance. Here is what I saw.

The I’m Super Cool Drinking Beer Listening to Tunes Jog Walk — You’ve seen this. The person holds the beer like a trophy and takes huge steps like she is stepping over piles of Great Dane shit.

The Hippie Plie — The heels are touching and knees are pointed out. The “dancer” bounces up and down like she is wearing a tutu that only she can see.

The I’m not Really 45 Head Bob — Maybe the person is not really into the music, or maybe his knees aren’t quite Adviled up enough to plie.

The I’m Sorta Trying to be Axl Sway — This guy REALLY WANTS to be 1988 Axl Rose. He tries to do the snakey dance moves Axl did when he sang, but this middle aged dude’s back just can’t quite slither.

The I’m Just Gonna Look at my Phone — I admit it. For the most part this was me. In my defense, I was taking notes for this fabulous blog. So, there’s that.

The I Might be Having a Seizure or I Might be Dancing — This person has taken too much Prozac and gives zero fucks. He moves his entire body as though he has been electrocuted. When you are observing it, you don’t know whether to call 911 or applaud.

I tried not to laugh openly while watching all of this. This is part of the reason I focused on taking notes. The other reason was to take my attention from gagging at the odor of the place. I didn’t know if I was smelling someone’s beer or old piss. I’m talking about actual urine not an accurately named craft ale. Seriously, concert venues out there, can you not get some Nature’s Miracle? It works for cat piss, so it should work on beer splatter.

So, do you recognize any of these fabulous “dance” moves? Have you done any of them. Let me hear from you in the comments section. Extra points for pictures or video.

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