You cannot make this shit up…

I admit, the following is a flat-out cut-and-paste of an email I just sent to my dear friend, with whom I’m going on a ten-mile walk tomorrow morning. Thank god we’re walking to a pub!

I’ve replaced with asterisks some names to protect the innocent and my two cats that I don’t actually have, despite the accusations. What’s utterly amusing about the whole episode is that all the ad hominem attacks are so firmly based in a fabulist non-reality that I can share this with the whole world and have a chuckle…

*******************************

Dear *******,

I am so sorry to burden you with the following – and I’m fully cognisant that it is my fault it ever got there – but I must share with you the following email exchange (with notes…) as it was truly bizarre and I need to talk about it tomorrow to de-stress!

First, the following was sent to our info@ email address via our website:

***************************

Mr. Nul,

Requesting permission to forward 1500 words. Polished writer and transcendent mind( I say that devoid of ego) from Boston. Promise you won’t be disappointed. If intrigued, we can take it from there; neither one of us have time to waste on provocative bios and/or selling points. Either Iam who i say I am(and correct in circumventing the conventional process); or I’m just another braggadocious sham in a digitally- saturated marketplace. In conclusion, you basically have nothing to lose (but three minutes of your time).

Loren Miner

***************************

Next, I unwisely chose to rather take the piss in my reply…

***************************

Dear Loren Miner,

We are not sure who Mr Nul is. Perhaps your approach sans research is working elsewhere but we ourselves at **** are writers (as well as an extremely tiny production company), so investing in what you have to offer is not likely.

We wish you good luck in your pursuits and suggest more recipient research and a thorough proofread of your query letter in future.

Kind regards,

**** Productions Team

***************************

Bad move, as it turns out. See below:

***************************

Touche, a bit smug, to be honest(in my defense) i composed that email in my backyard on the move, with a baby in one arm – while drinking a cup of tea in the afternoon(like iam doing this one while taking a quick break to watch a lil ESPN and eat some crunch berries…since I was actually creating something “original” last night to the wee hours). But trust me, when I eventually engage Writer’s House or Trident Media or Curtis Brown or Inkwell- (I’ll. sit up straight and) – they’ll get my A game ( I. didnt take ur solicitation very seriously and it showed, and for that i apologize, I just understand the nuances/ bigger picture of the digital era, I don’t put a lot of stock in all the false -positives of “connectivity” or accessibility on a superficial / inconsequential level. Therefore, I keep my eyes on the prize and focus on the creative process- not self -promotion ). Nevertheless, (since you were kind enuf to regurgitate some trending info one can gather anywhere online) ; I do feel obliged to reciprocate your condescending rant with some words of wisdom that may be a tad more profound (dare I say, sans “originality”).

Despite all the platform building, marketing strategies , branding rhetoric /prerequisites ( a huge paradigm shift in the literary marketplace from 20 years ago)- designed to “weed out” more run-of-the-mill minds / enterprises( who pursue prose for more narcissistic / alterior/ impure motives… like i wanna be an artist… or I wanna be a rebel…but, for a select few, poignant expression is a provocative , soul searching, indictment thrust upon them by the providential gods/ forces of karma and destiny). Either way, no matter how you slice it (research and punctuation aside)… as long as “ideas” (intellectual property) is still the #1 export in this country, a transcendent mind(versus above average, pedestrian intelligence / the girl who got an A in english/ who is answering emails and fetching coffee / chock full of angst ) still has all the leverage (despite the evolving /mitigating business trends). In short(typos or not), I have an infinitely better chance of becoming a literary messiah / rock star(being Oprah’s or Obama’s favorite noveau poet) then ur administrative role at ur pipsqueak production company has of becoming an over- the -top success.

So keep grinding, keep being bitter and anal- but until ur rite of passage reveals to you something extraordinary / existential (outside the box/on the fringes/ in that dark, creative, realm. – u will remain like the rest of the herd). Genius is undignified in nature – often criminal (rule breaking) and pathological (dangerously cognitive)- not some mainstream / resume exchange/ etiquette. …that’s why the “great ones” put shot guns in their mouths, drink like fish, and cut off ears(not rebutting cheesy emails) Obviously, ur too “well- adjsuted” and “career- oriented” to be of that eternal ilk (intellectual pedigree).

Clearly, your secretarial skill-set and bureaucratic disposition is. better suited for the more mundane endeavors and trivial preoccupations – like dotting i’s and crossing t’s, or impressing ur boss with “the right” fitted outfit, and finding the best hotels and airfares(meanwhile, boy genius comes to work 2 hours late, riding a skatebaord- with a parakeet on his shoulders- getting high fives from the founder of the company). What am I really saying? What u said was valid, but so mean- spirited, its actually sardonic, because in reality, i hold all the cards and have all the power(because I have what the marketplace deems more valuable than editorial expertise). Indeed, when you have the Hope Diamond(a precious gift)- you really don’t need to go to some neighborhood pawn shop groveling , or flood the market, or network, or blog (probably counterintuitive to everything you’ve been taught). Alas, only time will tell whose wisdom prevails, and I apologize again for halfhazardly shooting u an email while I was casually doing research (bored on a whim). Perhaps you’ve learned something today as well ? (tho ud never admit it! )

***************************

This reply horrified me as I thought ‘Fuck me! This nutter has a child! And they are seriously unstable! Oh no!!!’ And while I was thinking about that, they sent a link to one of the (now deleted) old pages of our website, referencing **** Nur (not Nul…), one of the lovely people who volunteered to mentor our Ethiopian filmmakers. I got stupid emotional and sent this:

***************************

Dear Loren Miner,

If you had researched the website throughly you would have made yourself aware that **** Nur is one of our mentors for Ethiopian filmmakers.

That, I fear, is very much beside the point.

What I am completely stunned by is the vitriol and mental instability displayed in your nearly incoherent response to me. You write that you have a child, which is the reason I’m writing back to you and encouraging you to seek therapy for your anger issues.

Please do yourself a great favour and do not send out any more emails filled with such animosity towards people you do not know.

Bless you for reaching out in some fashion from what is obviously a very dark place in your life and do seek help immediately.

***************************

I know, I know it was not very wise of me to engage but I was truly gobsmacked by Loren Miner’s response and thought that a new mother/frustrated writer was suffering from postpartum psychosis. I was freaked. The following revealed that I was dealing with a man. And a seriously fucked-up one at that…

***************************

Damn, have eva heard of a comma, dash, or semicolon girlfriend (run on sentences galore, shame on u).. I’m gonna go off the grid and guuess, if u even have a steady boyfriend… he surley doesn’t make u happy and is thoroughly beneath u… and I wish u could heard the gas I passed when u said “we at **** r writers”… hav u been thru anything little girl, do u even pay ur own rent or does mommy and daddy still offset ur living expenses, has anyone ever celebrated ur prose…laughed, cried, hugged u.. are u even from an urban area where there is a constant influx of new ideas and cosmopolitan. people, I bet. you’ve moved to a city to act urban …but deep down inside, u feel like a scaredy cat and imposter.. so u remain angry, creatively stagnanat, intellectually homogenous… tho u put ur resme on special paper and sit in the front of class (to no avai), and still find urself laughing at the boss’ jokes… ur rigidity and selfloathing is glaring (borderline scary)

Tells me ur from a suburb, but u have professional parents, unfortunately the entitlement and privileged may have gotten u thru through the process, but ur lack of struggle and empathy will inevitably deny u any avant garde energy or revelation… translation, ur a little girl to the likes of me (I woulda said wench, but this is actually a fun distraction for me) , any who, I gotta go take a steambath and swim, enjoy ur cubicle, and I will take the high road and discontinue with some disingenuous well wishes (which, as we all know, is translated f – you)… I hope u find peace and enjoyment, or at least, some physical satisfaction… u tell on urself little girl, no woman who is sensually fulfilled and inwardly confident would even reply to some random character , but u probably have annoying roommates or a couple of cats to compensate for ur lack of interpersonal skill and success… that’s right off the top of my head, have a good day lisa, I’m sure I just caught u on the rag (having a bad day ) ! And I really mean u no malice, so if u just stop responding I will know the game is over, if not, I will play (within limits) for as long as u can stomach the truth about urself from a perfect. stranger #God works in mysterious ways#and now this bs has made me 15 minutes late #shame on me#quiet desperation (Google it, transcendentalist )

***************************

And then – my dear friend – and this seriously has to be kept between you and me as **** has no idea I even replied to the second email…

I had a few drinks earlier and just sent this:

***************************

You.

Sad.

Sad.

Man.

🙁

***************************

I know it was childish and I’m not supposed to give these types any attention whatsoever but he just pissed me off. I cannot believe I actually felt sorry for what I thought was a mentally ill woman with a new baby trying to connect with the world on some level… Ugh. Stupid me, stupid me, stupid me…

Can’t wait to see you in the morning to discuss this and many other topics during our long walkies! Xx

*******************************

So, that’s it. Hence the title of this piece. I’m not sure how long we will all have to wait before his literary genius is unleashed upon the world. It might be awhile…

Added postscript to the above, I have edited the above to include his name, as I am outing him as much as possible so he comes up on google searches as an absolute toxic nutter. As you will see from Part II of this saga wherein he cyber-rapes me. Thank goodness I’m not the twenty-something intern of his fantasies as the next part is vile, hurtful stuff.

So, here is his (maybe, he’s likely lying) name again:

Loren T Miner, cyber-rapist!

A single golf clap? Or a long standing ovation?

By clapping more or less, you can signal to us which stories really stand out.