Thoughts on Suicide

“Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee?” — Albert Camus

The way I feel is hard to write about, but I don’t want to kill myself. And this is not a suicide note. I’m not trying to be dramatic, just honest, and this is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. And writing about it is really is an attempt at escape.

“The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.” — Friedrich Nietzsche

There are so many things that I want to tell people but I just can’t. We don’t speak of it, or react to it. Paralyzed in a reality of uncertainty and hopelessness, this is where I am. When I was young I was depressed all the time. I cannot refer to a time when I was happy.’ It’s not so much that I want to die as that I’m tired of suffering. The urge to kill myself is so strong. But, there are days that I think I am okay, or at least that I will be, but of course nothing can ever stay just how it is forever.

“God forgive me everything!’ she said, feeling the impossibility of struggling…” — Leo Tolstoy

Everyone thinks that things are getting better. They have no idea that better doesn’t exist for me. I bless and exonerate anyone who has kicked a chair out from beneath her. I understand perfectly.

“When people kill themselves, they think they’re ending the pain, but all they’re doing is passing it on to those they leave behind.” — Jeannette Walls

Committing suicide essentially says to friends and loved ones that I am the only thing that matters, that my problems are hopeless and I deserve to escape and to hell with everyone else. Suicide is nothing more than a way to look in the eye of the people who love you and say, “My pain is paramount and I want it to end. The pain you will feel when I am gone, and the guilt you will experience at not having been able to stop me, do not matter to me. I am willing for you to suffer for the rest of your life so that I can take the easy way out of mine”

“Suicide only really frightens those who are never tempted by it and never will be, for its darkness only welcomes those who are predestined to it.” — Georges Bernanos

I believe that love, success, and friendship are not always enough to counter the pain and destructiveness of severe mental illness. I don’t know what to do, I want to die but everyone is making me stay alive, I’m not sure if I could betray them and do it or can I move on and push through it?

Do you think I shall feel differently tomorrow?

“But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.” — Albert Camus

[NOTE: I have been cured of depression and suicidal tendencies for three years. So don’t give up on yourself either.]

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