Letting Go of The Fear

“Over the past few weeks, I have noticed a pattern not only in my day to day conversations, but also in thoughts and reflections I have been having regarding my own actions and reactions. Put quite simply, this pattern is one of Fear. That’s right, the people I have been talking to, and I, are scared shitless, and my guess is, you may be in the Scared Shitless boat with us.

Our Fear is the type of Fear that is so deeply rooted in everything we do and believe that it allows us to validate some pretty crazy actions and thoughts. Worse, because of its depth and breadth, it is a Fear that may never be quelled. But, in true over achiever fashion, I’m sure as hell going to try to take it out!

My first real encounter with the Fear was when I was about 20 years old (give or take). I was attending university, it was the end of the Fall semester of my Sophomore year, and I realized that everyone around me was in the process of, or finishing the process of, securing an internship for the summer. This was mind boggling to me because it was December and summer seemed so far away. Where I was from, you could secure a summer job in a week or two, so what was all this about? Apparently, this was about the rest of my life.

I asked why everyone was planning their summer internship in December, and someone responded by telling me that in order to get a good job you needed to have a good internship. And, in order to get a good internship you needed to secure that internship before the Spring semester started. Further, if you didn’t get a good internship lined up for the summer between your Sophomore and Junior years, you may not be able to secure a job after you graduate. And, if you didn’t get a good job after you graduated, well you may never be able to find a job at all! And that meant you may never be able to live a good life where you paid bills and paid off your loans and lived without debt. If all of this came to be, you may go broke!

You got. This is the Fear.

I became terrified that I wouldn’t be able to get a good internship. I saw my life going to shambles around me (in my head anyway). I saw myself not getting a good job, not starting my career off on the right foot, and therefore going broke, living off the goodwill of others, never being able to pay my bills, and finally, just being a shitty citizen because I hadn’t put in the hard work necessary to succeed. Why did I feel this way?

Probably because someone, somewhere (or many people, everywhere, all of my young life), told me that being a good person, a good citizen, meant working and earning money until the day I die (because let’s face it, that’s the reality nowadays). Further, ifI didn’t do those things I didn’t deserve to live.

Thus, I saw my life as go to school, get a job, have a family, work my ass off, pay all taxes and debts and, finally, die (but make sure to have enough money so that you don’t leave your family having to pay for your funeral). Yeah, depressing.

So I fell in line. I got the summer internship. I worked at that internship until I got a full time job at the company, and then I repeated the ‘find a job’ pattern as I moved from the North East to Texas and back again. I repeated this pattern even after I got laid off and started my own consulting business. I took jobs I didn’t necessarily want to avoid being ‘in-between gigs’. I did work I didn’t believe in because ’something has to pay the bills’. And I did all of this to avoid facing and letting go of the Fear.

Some people live their lives in this state, and that is ok. In fact, it is MORE than ok… it is normal. But, for me, over time, after I had reached what I saw as professional success (I.e. A successful consulting business with a impressive-ish client list), I started to question what was next for me. I had lost an interest in starting a family, therefore my attention wasn’t drawn there, and so I turned even deeper into my work. However, I had also lost passion in that! I had lost the inspiration to write and speak about my work, something that had always propelled before, and, to be honest, I didn’t really care about my work anymore.

I was lost.

I was in this sort of work purgatory where I couldn’t go back to my old way of doing work, but also didn’t know the way forward. So, I sat back and asked myself what was missing. I asked myself where my passions had gone. I berated myself and yelled at myself for not caring. In all honesty, I was a complete jerk to myself. I gave up on myself, and started to slip into despair.

But, after I broke myself down enough, I started to see that from the time that I fell in line, until now, I never stopped to ask myself what I was really made of. I let the Fear drive me, instead of connecting with my interests and passions, and driving myself. And now, I wanted to drive myself. To do that, I needed to let go of the Fear.

No, I NEED to let go of the Fear.

My first step in doing this, is to be completely honest in everything I do, say, think and feel. So, being honest, I have no idea what the hell I’m doing. I’m starring down this dark tunnel looking for a ray of light, and I don’t see one at the end of it. I’m scared. I don’t know what I’m going to find. The only thing I DO know is what I have found up until now having the Fear in my life. Part of that life has been great, but, being honest, that life will no longer do.” she said.

She turned away and disappeared into the tunnel.