
On the Fringes of a Social Event
This week, I wrote a skit. Feel free to use it.
(Sophie and Evie approach a social event. They stand on the fringes and work up their courage.)
Sophie: It’s going to be okay.
Evie: I’m terrified.
Sophie: Evie! These people are nice. At least that’s what I’ve heard. You’ll like them. I’ll like them. I hope.
Evie: Let’s go home.
Sophie: (Dragging her by the arm.) We came all the way here. Please. I’ve been dreaming of this since 8th grade. All I ever wanted to do was go to college and meet the man of my dreams and have him fly me to Paris on his jet and propose to me underneath the Eiffel Tower.
Evie: It’s closed right now. For restoration.
Sophie: No! Don’t crush my dream. I know he’s inside. C’monnnnn! (Drags Sophie.)
(A cluster of women are having a conversation.)
Clare Marie: I don’t think I can go back to Philosophy class.
Heather: Shut up!
Clare Marie: I’m serious.
(One girl, Lacy, nods at Evie and Sophie, and then proceeds to ignore them.)
Sophie: Hi, I’m Sophie and this is Evie. Can we join you?
Clare Marie: (To Heather.) No, seriously. I wasn’t feeling well last week, right? So I didn’t go Monday. And then on Wednesday, I wasn’t quite sure what was going on. I think I accidentally drank a triple shot of cough medicine laced with aspirin, and the girls down the hall are from Colorado, and their room floats about three feet off the ground, so between the medicine and the fumes and whatever I had, I was completely out of it.
Heather: Shut up!
Clare Marie: I’m serious. So, I wrote this email to my instructor.
Lacy: Wait, which instructor? The really cute one?
Clare Marie: You know it! Mis-ter Jus-tin See-ver!
Heather: (Gives a long romantic sigh.) He’s so dreamy.
Lacy: Break me off a chunk of that!
Evie: He was my teacher last semester!
Sophie: Mine too!
Clare Marie: (Ignoring Evie & Sophie completely.) Worse, I sit in the front row. I think he has a crush on me.
Heather: Shut up!
Clare Marie: I’m serious. Why else does he call on me? It’s not like I’m still in high school. He’s always asking me funny little things like if I’ve heard of ‘the Philosophy of Dancing.’
Heather: Shut up!
Clare Marie: I’m serious. So, anyway, I’m blitzed out on cough syrup and these diesel fumes or whatever’s drifting in from Rocky Mountain High down the hall. And I send this email. (Reading her iPhone screen.)
Justin, my dude, I believe that I remember you said we, as us students, would be able to send you our papers for class for you to look over before you looked them over except I was woozy feelin so I inebriated out on cough syrup and I do not habb my paper finished cuz it’s done yesterday. Please sir I workled berry harb an my doctor said I will not be normal until Thanksgiving Easter. If you must say no then thass okay but I would be sad ann really like it a lot if you said yes Justin my Seever.
Affectionately you’re Clare Marie.
Sophie: Shut up! You did not send that.
(Everyone looks at Sophie like “Who are you, why are you talking, and why don’t you go home?” No one says anything. After a long pause:
Heather: (To Clare Marie.) Shut up!
Clare Marie: I’m serious! But he wrote the nicest response. Do you want to hear it?
Lacy: Yeah!!
(At this point, Sophie withdraws. Concerned, Evie joins her.)
Sophie: Evie, my dude, I am so humiliated. I’m never coming back here.
Evie: But everyone told me they were so welcoming!
Sophie: I’m going home. I don’t feel well. I’m just going to go home, chug a bottle of cough syrup, and pull the covers over my head.
THE END
