The Social Event of the Season

Tim Wuebker
Aug 24, 2017 · 8 min read

A friend asked me to write a skit. Feel free to use it.

Narrator: Twins Matt and Ashley Creators go to a KU social event. They are anxious to make friends.

Matt: Well, here we are.

Ashley: Let’s go home!

Matt: (Glancing both ways. Secretively.) We just got here!

Ashley: Uhhh, Matt, I don’t know. It looks like everybody already knows each other. I’ll never fit in.

Matt: Ashley, they’re a church group. They have to be nice to us.

Ashley: Even if they think we’re the most socially awkward people they’ve ever seen.

(They are approached by Gaston and Lindsay, both of whom are 19. Gaston thinks he’s a hunk, and 19, Lindsey believes she’s glamourous.)

Gaston: Hi. I’m Gaston.

Lindsay: (Chastising Gaston.) Ex-cuse me! (Suddenly all charm.) Hi! I’m Lindsay. Lind-say Lo-man. And you! Yooouuu must be….

(Matt’s & Ashley’s mouths gap open.)

Matt: Uhhh, I’m Ashley. This is — wait. I mean, this is my sister Ashley. I’m her brother. Matt. Her brother.

Lindsay: Delighted.

Ashley: Where are you from?

Matt: Topeka, but we actually grew up —

Gaston: Awesome. (Hooks Ashley’s arm and steers her away. Leans into her; he likes her.)

(* * * Meanwhile, whenever the conversation shifts, the actor & actress away from the focus should lower their heads, and let all of the focus go to the other conversation. This skit as an A-B-A-B structure. So, in this case, Lindsay & Matt lower their heads and stand still. * * *)

Gaston: You’ll like KU. There’s a lot to do. On weekends, there’s always the fake I.D. scene, but I spend my weekends taking small groups of friends on excursions.

Ashley: You do?

Ashley: (Shrugs.) About twenty or thirty of my closest friends. I created a Camping Club. And a Fishing Club. And a club where we hunt wild boar with bows and arrows. Did you know the forests just thirty miles from Lawrence are teeming with wild boar?

(Heads down; Gaston & Ashley go silent, and the focus shifts to Lindsay & Matt.)

Lindsay: Mark, I’m telling you, KU is the greatest! Well, some of us needed to make it the greatest. Because when I arrived here last year, I was pet-rified. Absolutely scared sideways like a girl with nothing to wear to the Spring Fling. (Leans in intimately.) That’s the social event of the season. (Changing her tone back to drama.) Scared that that there would be nothing to do and no one interesting to talk to. I was afraid it would be like econ class! (Pauses just long enough to make Matt think she expects him to speak.)

Matt: I —

Lindsay: (Interrupting.) Because, Michael, that is not how I grew up. I was very lucky. Or maybe I get it from my parents because they were always taking me London and Paris and Rome. (Marveling at herself.) Yet even when I was thirteen, I paid my own way with my own money. Anyway, my parents are John and Emma Astor. You know? The Astors? They made their fortune by reviving the revolutionary styles of fashion artiste Coco Chanel? That’s why I grew up skiing in the Swiss Alps. I love all things Swiss. Swiss chocolate, Swiss cheese, Swiss paper dolls….

(Heads down; the scene shifts to Gaston & Ashley.)

Gaston: But — this may shock you — wild boar is not Kansas’s greatest hunting challenge.

Ashley: I don’t know anything about hunting.

Gaston: Do you know what it is?

Ashley: (Bewildered.) Bears?

Gaston: (His voice grows dark.) It’s the raccoons.

Ashley: What?

Gaston: I know what you’re thinking. Aren’t they just beloved little scamps? Riiiiight. That’s the pro-raccoon media. They’re actually fiendishly clever. Yes, they’ve been popularized as adorable, witty, machine-gun-toting heroes, but raccoons create a chain of chaos that threatens the entire ecosystem of the Missouri river.

Ashley: (Beginning to yawn.)

(Heads down; the scene shifts to Lindsay & Matt.)

Lindsay: …Swiss music festivals, Swiss watches…oh, and Swiss banks! I thank God every day for my Swiss bank account. You just have to have money hidden outside of the United States! But you don’t want to hear about that.

Matt: Actually, I’m majoring in finance. I’d love to talk about that. Why do you have money hidden outside of the United States?

Lindsay: (Breezily.) And then there’s shopping. People say there’s nothing better than the boutiques of Paris, but I disagree. Do you know where a really awesome place for a girl to get shoes is at?

Matt: Home Depot?

Lindsay: Oslo! I know. People say, “Why would you ever go to the capital city of Norway? Isn’t that just a wasteland on the Arctic Circle with just an hour of sunlight every night for all of winter? Isn’t everyone just an anti-social stay-inside hermit? Don’t bears and raccoons just wander the streets?

Matt: You were in Norway?

Lindsay: (Nodding like she’s heard him, but ignores what he said.) What the haters of fine footwear don’t get is that Oslo has the best high heels in Europe!

Matt: (Opens his mouth to speak, and then changes his mind.)

Lindsay: (Intimately.) Do you want to hear a secret? (She leans in, looks both says, and then murmurs.) If you want an over-the-knee fashion statement, an orthopedic remedy, or even Winklepickers from Finland, I don’t think you’re going to find better Sarah Wedge Sandals or Barimo Booties than in Norway.

(Heads down; the scene shifts to Gaston & Ashley.)

Gaston: Raccoons. I took a biodiversity class last semester and got into an argument with the professor about the greatest threat to the world’s ecosystem. Do you know what I said?

Ashley: (Rubbing her eyes.) Raccoons.

Gaston: I spoke about the threat. When I finished, I received a standing ovation.

Ashley: In a large lecture hall?

Gaston: Someone recorded it on his phone and our conversation was picked up by CNN. The professor was forced to retract everything he said. Because anyone who’s hiked who spent even five days hiking through Sub-Saharan Africa like I have, with no food or water or phone, with just your wits to help you capture a living protein source so you could survive…. Well, they know what’s at stake if we don’t get this Raccoon attack under control!

(Heads down; the scene shifts to Lindsay & Matt.)

Lindsay: (Airily.) And the cutest little Japanese-style Rimocy shoes.

Matt: Rim-o-oh….

Lindsay: (Pronouncing it like she’s teaching a third grader.) Rim-o-chee. It’s the sweetest little pair of high heels with patent leather, a round toe, an ankle strap, and thick heel platform that you’ve ever seen!

Matt: Well, that’s amazing.

Lindsay: Do you know what’s really unrealistic?

Matt: I —

Lindsay: The type of shoes you see Disney Princesses wearing. (In a patronizing voice.) They’re cute, we get that…but have you tried walking in them?

Matt: Fashion is pain, Lindsay.

Lindsay: It’s never been easy being the trend-setter. But it’s my passion. Do you know about blue-jeans at KU?

Matt: (Looks utterly blank.)

Lindsay: As a trend. I started them.

Matt: You started blue jeans?

Lindsay: Not everywhere, silly! Just at KU. Last year. I swear, this whole town is so five minutes ago. And I don’t mean to brag, but I started headbands. Not a single girl was wearing headbands when I got here.

(Heads down; the scene shifts to Gaston & Ashley.)

Gaston: Just take how these rascals have terrorized city of Toronto.

Ashley: “Terrorized”?

Gaston: I’m telling you that by 2011, Toronto realized they were in crisis. A trash-in-every-street and all-over-your yard problem. And they had already spent ten million dollars trying to stop the raccoons. But raccoons are fearless. “Quit” isn’t in their vocabulary. They will bust through any lock.

Ashley: Raccoons have a vocabulary?

Gaston: By 2011, the people of Toronto tried everything. They’ve strapped down trashcan lids. They’ve hid their garbage cans. Nothing was effective! (Stares accusingly, as though it were Ashley’s fault.)

Ashley: (Flustered.) I…I didn’t do it.

Gaston: The next time you hear how adorable these vagabonds are, I want you to point out that in 2015, Toronto struggled and spent thirty-one million dollars to develop a raccoon-proof trash can.

Ashley: That is a lot of money.

Gaston: These pint-sized vandals will eat the shoes right off your feet if you let them.

Ashley: Why would I let them?

Gaston: You may not have any choice. I’d tell you they’re breeding like bunnies, but they’re reproducing so fast they make bunnies look like raccoons.

(Heads down; the scene shifts to Lindsay & Matt.)

Lindsay: (Clutching his arm.) You just have to hear about my latest creation!

Matt: I would love to, but I’d really better check on my sister.

Lindsay: It will be the pedicurial hit of the season! I want you to close your eyes. Go on, close them, close them, close them. (Matt complies.) Now picture this… You’re at the Palazzo Reale in Milan. It’s the grand debut of the entire fashion season. Today, the top designers in the world introduce their latest fabrications. Are you seeing this scene unfold before you like a movie?

Matt: (Very uncomfortable; shoulders hunching up.) Is Milan in Italy?

Lindsay: (Ignoring him.) Everyone’s there. Gucci. Prada. Roberto Cavalli. The world’s most famous models are everywhere! And paparazzi! Photos are clicking everywhere! Reporters are describing every texture, every stunning new hairstyle. But then do you know what happens?

Matt: A meteor strikes the Palazzo Reale and leaves a smoking crater.

Lindsay: Gigi Hadid strides out on the runaway! Even the most jaded fashion reporter is captivated! But not by Gigi Hadid’s dress or hair. But by her…shoes! Her raccoon-shaped shoes.

Matt: (Eyes still shut.) Gosh. I wish I could attend.

Lindsay: Remember! You heard it here first.

Matt: (Opens his eyes. Flatly.) Wow.

Lindsay: (Exclaims.) Oh! (Takes out cell phone.) Excuse me, Michael.

Matt: My name’s Matt.

Lindsay: Oh, hi Gigi. (Wanders off.)

(Matt stares at the audience. Arms outstretched with his palms up, his face says, “What just happened?!”)

(Scene change.)

Gaston: (Checks his watch.) I have to leave.

Ashley: (Startled.) Oh! (Feeling rejected.) Okay.

Gaston: Gotta get up early. The governors of four states are flying in.

Ashley: And you’re meeting them?

Gaston: Bye now. (Exits.)

(Looking like they are unsure what to do next, Matt & Lindsay wander back together.)

Matt: Well, how was Gaston?

Ashley: He kind of gassed on. How was Lindsay Loman?

Matt: I didn’t realize there were that many words in the English language.

Ashley: I totally got ignored. Can we go home, now? We tried, Mark, but I don’t think this group is for me.

Matt: Okay. (Disappointed, they look around one last time.) Say, do you want to take me shoe-shopping tomorrow? I could use some $5 flipflops.

Ashley: If you take me hunting.

END

Next story: August 31, 2017

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Tim Wuebker

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Tim has two novels available on amazon.

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