Its never enough is it?
So after my post graduation I got two jobs yay!!! I was pleased as I had my own money now and was ‘independent’ in a way that at least I had to contribute something even if it was really meager.
So the first one was teaching at the same college where I did my undergraduate and it was so prestigious for me. Even though I was temporary still I was sharing the dais with the same teachers that once taught me. Second job I got around 3 weeks later which was doing research as a research assistant.
Ofcourse I wanted to do both, not for money but it made me super busy and I love to be super busy plus when you teach you actually revise for your upcoming exams as I had to clear exams to get a doctorate. Forget about me it was a huge debate between my parents as my father wanted me to be a scientist and my mother was happy if I became a lecturer in the same college, have a good life, good money and a government job. As it happens my father won and I gave up that job, not sure if I regret it.
So my research job was working in a big group, reputation was really big, the prospects seemed so bright and above all I got the job with my sole ability and not due to any recommendations (I am a bit proud of that, Oh please I am sure you must feel about yourselves the same way sometimes).
It was a big step for me and I felt so confident but as it happens when you work with a big group your responsibilities also become really big. I had to still give exams to be a Ph.D student as I cannot be a research assistant for the rest of my life and they are not easy to crack especially when you have to work for 10 hours a day and study all night. And the worst happened I could clear them in two attempts and the world came crashing in.
Everybody started commenting “ get married you are fat and getting older, if you cannot have higher education then at least have a nice husband”. Like really? I was so surprised, was getting here easy? I worked so hard to be where I was and still it was not enough? Was being fat the only thing that mattered?
It still keeps me guessing why people have a right to evaluate you when you are at your worst point in life, you need comfort not criticism and its not because I cannot handle it but because I think its not needed sometimes especially from people who have been there, in your shoes sometime ago, can they also not feel your pain? Cant they just say “Its going to be OK!”.