Researchers confirm that millennial dating is “just one giant clusterfuck.”

So, do you guys have like, a title?

Is that your boyfriend?

So what are we?

Recent studies have shown that less than two percent of millennials are in a Traditionally-Titled Relationship. Ten percent are “talking to someone.” Another 15 percent are dating more than one person. And a whopping 32 percent are just hanging out. The rest describe their dating and sex lives as either a booty call situation, unrequited love, or simply nonexistent.

“People are hesitant to commit in this day and age. Having a title is like you’re practically married. Hanging out is safer,” said Mike Hawk, 27.

For those involved in official relationships, the future is a hot topic.

“My boyfriend and I have been dating for three months and I want to know if he’s ready to start picking out names for our future children,” said Stephanie Perez, 25. “I’m practically 30. My ovaries are only going to be good for so long.”

Traditionally-Titled Relationships (TTR) are signified by the use of pet names such as bae, boo, booboo, and baby. Other standards include goodnight calls, emotional and sexual exclusivity, introduction to friends and family, expectations of all kinds, and of course, the boyfriend/girlfriend title.

However, these standards are not mutually exclusive to TTRs. A pair who are just talking may engage in behaviors such as goodnight texts and meeting the other person’s friends. This can be a source of confusion among dating parties, leaving some to think that they’re in a relationship when they are, in fact, not.

They grey area gets even murkier when a pair becomes exclusive but does not initiate a TTR.

“I thought everything was going great,” said George Boufer, 29. “She said she wasn’t banging anyone else, so I figured it was only a matter of time before we were official. But she broke up with me after I introduced her as my girlfriend.”

The subject of commitment and titles is polarizing among millennial daters. Forty-nine percent want either the promise or expressed desire for long-term commitment upfront while 51 percent don’t want anything serious. The researchers at OKCupid and Tinder further support these findings, saying that users of their apps are usually divided into two groups: those who are looking for a TTR and those who want to keep their options open.

“That’s why I don’t date,” said OKCupid research intern Tracy Glout, 28. “After seeing all the crap that’s out there, I’d rather Netflix and chill by myself. Plus, my cat never likes the guys I bring over.”

Even those researchers who are in TTRs are weary of today’s dating complications. Former Plenty of Fish field researcher Steven McPeck is married, and at 35 he’s just outside the millennial bracket. “My single friends always complain about dating. I’m glad I’m not in that world anymore. I had to leave my job at PoF because it was bringing me down,” he said.

McPeck and his former colleagues came up with a conclusion about millennial dating: “It’s just one giant clusterfuck out there.”

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