Just Close Your Eyes

I am forever chasing sleep. And it’s such a bitch.

Gone is the space way back in my early twenties when time meant nothing to me. I would go, go, go until the wee hours of dawn and then I would crash into the deepest slumber. Live. Crash. Live. Crash.

I remember those years when I answered to nothing but bills, hunger, and lust. And I could nap. Sweet Jesus! I remember the deliciousness of naps.

Now I’m a worn out 45 year old mom. I feel as if I haven’t slept for close to two decades.

I suffered through the first ten years, dealing with a rather useless and unsupportive now ex-husband. My two girls were (and are) my life. And I had no help from my ex raising them while I also worked. Every day was tiring. Every single day. There was no rest.

When I remarried to the love of my life, we had another baby. The next decade was spent celebrating our family, struggling like everyone else, moving, and finally finding our groove. Sleep was the last thing on my mind. If I caught seven hours of uninterrupted sleep, I considered that golden.

My youngest is now 7. And I have run out of excuses and energy for existing as this sleep deprived beast. I really have nothing left to prove to anyone. It’s time to dig out from beneath the weight all these self-imposed pressures. I have to allow myself to relax. Nothing bad will happen if I slow down. I am truly blessed that life is good.

Rest starts by letting go a bit. My kids can handle aspects of their morning if they wake early. I no longer need to jump to it when I hear my son getting up. And I must lean on my supportive husband a little. I have to accept his assistance without punishing myself with guilt. Receiving help and giving up control won’t make me weak. I have to allow myself to take care of me.

It’s time to catch sleep and own that bitch.

Don’t wake me.