Be a Man
I’ve heard the phrase, ‘Be a man’ many times in my life and it was normally said in the context of ‘toughen up’ or ‘be physically strong’. I hope we can change that.
FYI, this is not a research report. I’ve put some links to deeper posts below and please add good ones you’ve found. Mine is from my gut and heart. [Added] Nor do I have it all worked out or am I anywhere near perfect. I’m a work in progress too. [/] I also recognise that gender is one of many imbalances we have in the world right now. I’m not discounting them at all, I’m just focusing this on one area.
For more than 10,000 years, men have had a dominant position over women based on physical strength. Times have changed and they will continue to change. Strength is much more than just physical and men should adjust because it’s for the better.
Yes, maybe life won’t be as easy as for generations of men before you. Yes, maybe you think it’s a bit harsh that’s it’s happening in your lifetime and not 100 years from now.
Be a man.
Honestly, if you think women being able to vote, getting some access traditionally male jobs and the 1,000 other little things hard working, risk taking women have done has balanced the books, you’re kidding yourself. It’s not even close. Let’s tally the things that are still seriously in men’s favour;
- Pay
- Career options
- Not having to choose even in the slightest way about babies or a million other options giving you choice, freedom.
- Wives mostly taken male surnames. Big deal? Why don’t even 10% take the wife’s? Why don’t the kids take the wife’s? Why not a different name?
- Not thinking that a situation that should just be between two adults may turn into something different based on male physical dominance.
- The lists goes on and on…
We need to work hard towards balance.
Be a man.
Language matters. I try write emails with team, crew, peeps. Anything but guys. I still catch myself saying ‘guys’ to women about them, their company, family, etc. Big deal. It’s just a word. It has come to just mean a group of people. Yes, maybe.
But why wasn’t it gals? Why? Because there is no way it would have taken hold and that’s the point. Men would never have gone “They said gals and I’m not a woman, but hey, what does it matter, they are just really referring to a group, so no big deal.” But women did put up with it and it’s stuck. Change it. Don’t put up with it. Don’t say it. Language really matters. Especially everyday language and language that even subtly implies a position of power.
“Come on Mick, it’s not a big deal?” If you’re a man saying this, seriously, you have no right to make the call.
Be a man.
And guys is the tip of the iceberg.
Mankind (that is supposed to represent our entire species), manpower (is people working), man made (made by humans), workmanship, craftsman, spokesmen, gentleman’s agreement, Firemen, policemen, army men, Right hand man, Best man for the job, Chairman of the board.
Think about a doctor and a nurse. Is the doctor male and the nurse female? “That’s just the way it’s been?” Which is why it needs to change.
Think I’m being crazy. Ask a woman if it’s crazy? A male saying guys is fine is is like a billionaire saying poverty is no big deal or a white person saying racism isn’t an issue.
I hope you are one of the good men, and I do believe there is a lot of them, but definitely not a majority. If you are, great, you have a real opportunity to be a man about this. Perhaps one of the hardest, but possibly most important for good men to do is to call out bad behaviour when they see it. This includes in public, in private, when women are present and when women are not present. If you let it slide, you’re saying it’s no big deal and we don’t to make that call. It has been made.
Calling it out is perhaps one of the biggest impact ways to transition the world to the better place. It will be uncomfortable at first. With your sports buddies, in the locker room, with work mates or in a meeting. It will stop the flow and some people will question you. Hold strong. This is critical. Men need to know it’s not acceptable.
Some suggestions of things to say;
“Hey, it matters.”
“No, you can’t say that anymore.”
“It’s not on.”
“It’s just not right.”
“It’s not appropriate.”
“Stop it.”
You can expect me to say it to you and I hope others do as well. If that makes you uncomfortable, you don’t like me anymore or you don’t want to do business with me because of it? I’m not just OK with that, I’m happy about it.
Be a man.
Why do I care?
I genuinely think the world will be better if there is balance.
Honestly, seriously, I do. I’m lucky enough to have two daughters, and you might think that is what is driving me here. But it’s not just that. I also have a son. And I believe, and hope, hope, hope, hope, hope, that he grows up in a world where people are people regardless of gender, plus race, beliefs, age, sexual orientation, wealth, and anything else.
Even if I didn’t have kids, I’m lucky enough to have a wife who’s a woman. I’ve seen the 100 things she’d had to do to put up with it and it’s sickening. If you stop to look.
Not everyone gets married, but most people have a mum. I can’t even fathom or stomach what she had to put up with. The limits imposed upon her by society ‘for her own good’ by leagues of appalling men basking in their own misogyny.
For all of that, life for my mum was lightyears better than for my grandmothers — and partly thanks to 1,000’s of women’s (and some good men’s) courage. Generations are changing so fast and I feel privileged to see so much change between my mum and my daughters, and that drives me for change. Don’t stop now. Keep moving it forward. It will be better. Maybe you think it will be hard, and some things will be. These things are deeply engrained, that doesn’t mean they are right.
Be a man.
I‘ve worked on a number of hard things in my life and one thing I know is that for a tough journey you need three times as much energy as you expect. So I’m not aiming for parity. I’m aiming for bias. Blatant, awkward, engineered bias. If we spend the next 1,000 years at 70:30 in favour of women, we will not even have come close to balancing the books. You may miss out on a job promotion because it goes to a woman. Honestly, suck it up. It doesn’t mean zero job promotions or zero opportunities. “But why should I be the generation of men who have to not be randomly, luckily have simple privilege blessed upon me?”
Be a man.
Does this mean that men need to stop being strong, courageous and even tough at times? No. Just not to women, or anyone in a less privileged or just different position than you. There are hundreds of things to be strong about as alternatives. Gender balance is one. Climate change. Your career. Poverty. Family. Farming. Health. Education. Crime. Innovation. No shortage. Don’t take the easy route and beat your chest. Suck it up and do the hard yards. Or is it too hard for you? Are you actually weak and can only be strong when you are physically dominant?
Be a man.
If you’re reading this as a man and believing what I’m suggesting to you is taking away your manliness then please think again. It really shouldn’t. It should add to it. This is the new strength, toughness and for many men it will require courage to stand against habits and norms formed over 10,000 years. I’m sure you can handle it. And if being strong in a situation where you have a physical advantage is the limit of your manhood then that’s pathetic.
Be a man.
Be a man.
Update: This is something I’m working on. It’s not easy and I won’t succeed all the time. But I’m trying.
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More good reading;
