Ultimate Couples Counseling Guide: Read This Before You Jump the Gun

Couples Counseling

Is your relationship strained from frequent arguments?

Are you and your partner drifting apart because misunderstandings are harder than ever to resolve?

Is your relationship stagnant and suffers from a loss of romance or passion?

Or perhaps, your relationship struggles from something far worse: your partner wants out, infidelity, money, children, or even a death. Or it’s possibly a combination of issues.

If you answered yes to any of the above, I am sure you can agree that relationships have gotten more complicated today. More of our relationships are falling short, leaving us disappointed. So much so, that the American Psychological Association (APA) estimates divorce rate hovers at 50%. If you feel you’re alone, you’re not.

It’s no surprise then that there are so many counseling options for every relationship issue. The rest of this article is going to explain everything you need to know about couples counseling and how it can benefit you.

What Is Couples Counseling?

Couples counseling works to support couples in improving the quality of their relationships. It offers a way to break free from negative patterns. When done right, it can create lasting change to promote a more fulfilling relationship.

It’s often hard to face the facts and admit that your relationship is failing. The fact is, the average couple may stay unhappy for six years before seeking any form of counseling. It’s often far more beneficial to try to resolve issues early on than to let things escalate out of control.

Top 5 Reasons to Start Couples Counseling:

1. Since your upbringing differs from your partner’s, so will your perspective. It can be challenging for you to accept that both may be equally right. Counseling offers a safe place to explore your problems from all angles. Most of all, you’ll learn new ways to resolve conflicts. You and your partner will be able to tackle any conflict with a fresh perspective and resolve issues faster.
2. Partners can improve communication and lessen emotional gaps created from years of neglect. You will understand your partner better through meaningful dialogue.
3. Long term couples often experience a loss of passion in their relationship. The emotional distance can balloon and halt any form of intimacy. Therapy offers a safe haven where extremely personal feelings and needs are addressed. Your relationship will be more loving, more connected, and more fulfilling as a result.
4. It can help you work through lasting pains that you otherwise wouldn’t know how to handle on your own. You and your partner will be able to rebuild the relationship sooner rather than later.
5. Couples counseling offers an opportunity to make a renewed relationship commitment. Or, it can guide you to find clarify on why you need to separate. Even if you decide to separate, you’ll walk out knowing yourself better. And the best part is you’ll be able to apply what you learned towards your next relationship.

Counseling Methods That Is Frequently Used and Works Today

All relationships and problems are unique, so not all counseling techniques will have the same effective for each couple.

Here’s a complete summary of the 6 counseling methods that’s most used today:

1. Insight-Oriented Therapy

It May Be Right for You If…

You’re starting to see a pattern of continuous arguments that are senseless. Problems are becoming blurred. Constant anger is beginning to strain your relationship. A feeling of growing resentment from blaming each other is present.

What You Can Expect:

Insight-oriented therapy is all about identifying the root cause of conflicts. Your counselor will review your interaction with your partner to gain insight into the relationship. He/she may also look into other areas such as emotions, thoughts, and lifestyle. The information helps to pinpoint the source of your conflicts. He/she will work out a plan for resolving your problems and improving your relationship.

Time:

Brief therapy can take as many as 25 sessions, while long-term therapy may take two years or more.

Pros:

1. It aims to bring lasting changes, achieved from a deep understanding of your mental and emotional processes.
2. It encourages deep personal exploration to increase self-awareness. This will let you become better at decision making.

Cons:

1. It often lacks clear direction and goals. Sessions may feel more like you’re wandering through the woods with many twists and turns.
2. Insight oriented therapy relies heavily on conversation between you and your counselor. Thus, the results are only as effective as the information you provide your counselor. This is a problem for individuals with difficulties expressing themselves.
3. Everyone is unique, every problem is different. This means your counselor may not have prior experience handling your specific position.

2. Communication-Centered Counseling

It May Be Right for You If…

Communication is lacking for some time and the two of you are drifting apart as a result. You noticed you and your partner are living separate lives. Although there are no overt problems, there is definitely an emotional divide.

What You Can Expect:

Your therapist will teach you why expressing your feeling is crucial for nurturing relationships. You’ll learn to express yourself clearly without offending your partner. Above all, your therapist will help reestablish how you and your partner interact. The change will create a more fulfilling relationship, free of emotional voids.

Time:

It can take as few as 4–6 sessions for some couples but varies depending on your situation.

Pros:

1. Let’s the two of you discover each other’s listening style and have mutual understanding. You’ll finally be able to respect each other again.
2. Learn to uncover each other’s emotional needs. Master when to use what communication style to discuss even the most sensitive topics with sympathy.

Cons:

1. Poor communication is often a symptom of more complicated relationship challenges, not the cause. Typically, the cause has more to do with a gap in connection and less with communication.

3. Marriage Fitness (An Affordable Online Alternative to Traditional Counseling)

Marriage Fitness is a step-by-step relationship-changing system that restores intimacy in relationships. It addresses issues ranging from frequent arguments to divorce, and everything else in between.

It shifts away from traditional conflict resolution counseling. Marriage Fitness focuses more on neutralizing problems, reconnecting, and practicing positive habits. It’s made to transform the momentum of your relationship. You’re encouraged to “step away” from your problems and invest in building good will for the relationship instead.

When done right, your problems will dissipate and you’ll feel close to your partner again. Even if the problem persists, you’ll be in a better position to fix issues once you’re on good terms with your partner.

It May Be Right for You If…

Your relationship suffers from: emotional infidelity, infidelity, a loss of passion, emotional neglect, continuous arguments, a lack of appreciation, broken trust, or even a divorce.

Your relationship is stuck in a perpetual negative pattern and you realize it’s time to switch gear. You need solutions that work from someone whose been there and speaks the same language as you. More importantly, you want intuitive, simple yet concrete solutions. You want to rebuild love in a natural progression, not forced. Last, you need a program that doesn’t require your partner to participate in order to be effective. You want to act now, not later.

But, be warned:

Your relationship didn’t fall apart overnight. By the same token, repairing it isn’t going to happen overnight either. You need to be prepared to follow the program diligently and really put in the effort to make this work. Ask yourself honestly: Am I ready to make that kind of commitment?

Are you willing to:

1. Do whatever it takes to fix your relationship, even if it means setting your needs aside?
2. Invest whatever time is needed for as long as it takes to repair the damage?
3. Do you truly feel your relationship is worth saving?

What You Can Expect:

You’ll get assessments and roadmaps for improving your relationship. They’ll provide clarity and leave you with no room to feel distressed. Be prepared to put simple ideas into practice by diving into assignments and exercises. Ideas provide direction, but action is the fuel that propels your relationship forward.

You’ll receive plenty of support during your teleconference sessions or 1-on-1 phone session with Mort Fertel. He will counsel you every step of the way and tell you how to get past your challenges. You’ll leave feeling positive and motivated to keep going until the very end.

You’ll be expected to complete daily assignments and hit weekly benchmarks. You will be held accountable until you complete the program.

If this all sounds hard to you, it is.

It all boils down to this:

If you’re really serious about saving your relationship, hard work shouldn’t deter you. Lasting relationships need a lot of effort, let alone a damaged one. The good news is the program has a success rate of 90%.

Where to Get Help Online:

Click here to get Marriage Fitness couples counseling online.

Time:

The program itself lasts 7 weeks.

Pros:

1. You and your partner can create lasting bonds by putting love first.
2. It’s been used by millions, received national acclaims, and boast a success rate of 90%.
3. The ability to join the program alone or with your partner.
4. By far the most cost-effective way to get real sustained marriage help and counsel.

Cons:

1. Requires real effort and unwavering self-discipline.

4. Emotionally Focused Therapy

It May Be Right for You If…

You’ve been with your partner for a long time and are experiencing a loss of passion in your relationship. You two are hesitant about sharing personal feelings and fear they will be rejected. You desire security, closeness, and intimacy in your relationship.

What You Can Expect:

Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is formed on the concept that relationship problems stem from fears of abandonment.

Its nine treatment steps are designed to get you to quickly identify attachment issues behind conflicts. Furthermore, it encourages healthy interaction patterns. By the end, you’ll learn to lead a more loving, responsive, and emotionally connected relationship with your partner.

At first, your therapist will observe how you engage with your partner and proceed to deescalate conflicts. Towards the middle, your therapist will work with you to find ways to create stronger bonds in the relationship. Changes are achieved in the last steps as treatment ends.

Where to Get Help Online:

Click here to find an EFT therapist near you.

Time:

It can average 10–14 sessions and depends largely on your unique situation.

Pros:

1. Since it’s supported by 30 years of empirical research showing success, you’ll receive comfort knowing it’s a proven process.
2. EFT offers the best of both worlds. It gets to the root of your problems through deep introspection. At the same time, it offers systematic interventions to promote the change you desire.

Cons:

1. Theories can deviate from what you actually experience in everyday obstacles. So, it can feel like your problems aren’t being confronted head on.
2. It can be too agonizing to re-live old wounds, leaving you worse off before you start seeing the benefits.

5. Gottman Method

It May Be Right for You If…

You’ve reached a roadblock in resolving differences between you and your partner. Differences can be from common misunderstandings to specific problems such as finances. Research has shown the Gottman Method to be effective for treating same-sex relationships.

What You Can Expect:

This method combines therapeutic interventions with couple’s exercises. Its aim is to help you find and address defenses that block communication and bonding. It’s about teaching you the skills you need to build a sound relationship.

You and your partner will complete an assessment that’s used to decide proper treatment. The two of you will map out each other’s happiness, sorrows, worries, anxieties and hopes.

These exercises will help the two of you reach mutual understanding and scale back common conflicts. You will view each other from a fresh perspective and find new respect for one another.

Where to Get Help Online:

Click here to find a Gottman-trained therapist near you.

Time:

The couple and therapist decide on the frequency and duration of the sessions.

Pros:

1. It has three decades worth of research in clinical settings with three thousand couples, giving you a peace of mind.
2. You’ll learn to use effective skills and tools towards conflict management. No longer do you have to resort to gut reactions that often lead to larger problems.

Cons:

1. It works more from the outside-in. Instead of finding solutions through self-discovery, you’re encouraged to adopt tested rules.
2. Rules may feel forced, introducing an unnatural element to the relationship.

6. Imago Relationship Therapy

It May Be Right for You If…

Are you and your partner struggling to get through to each other because of a lack of empathy? Are the two of you comfortable discussing your feelings openly? If yes, then Imago therapy may work for you.

Imago is a form of relationship therapy that’s designed to teach you how to express, listen, and understand each other. You will develop a set of skills that’ll help you and your partner reconnect and restore empathy.

What You Can Expect:

You can expect weekly workshops away from home with your partner. These workshops will have plenty of exercises to put meaning back into your conversations. You’ll get to explore emotions and have opportunities to reconnect. Ultimately, positivity will be restored in your relationship.

You’ll also receive private counseling where you’ll sit facing your partner. In these sessions, you two will take part in exercises and conservation guided by a trained therapist. You’ll follow the three-step process of mirroring, validation, and empathy during the dialogue.

Where to Get Help Online:

Click here to get Imago couples counseling online.

Time:

It takes 12 sessions on average but varies according to each individual couple’s situation and needs.

Pros:

1. It’s simple, logical, and can work for all kinds of couples at any stage of a relationship. You can talk about your feelings in a safe environment that’s neutral by design.

Cons:

1. Little scientific research has been done to measure the long-term success of Imago therapy.
2. It may not be suitable for couples experiencing domestic violence, gambling issues, substance dependence, or similar health and relationship concerns since it focuses on re-establishing loving relationships.

How Effective Is Couples Counseling?

The truth is many factors can impact the outcome of couples counseling for any given couple. A recent study from the “Journal of Marital and Family Therapy” found seven out of ten couples find great satisfaction after receiving marriage counseling. But other studies such as the consumer reports study by E.P. Seligman Ph.D. found marriage counseling to be less effective compared to other forms of treatments.

So why do studies show such varying results?

One of the main factors for an effective outcome comes down to the motivation and expectation of both partners. Couples therapy is much more effective if both partners are committed. And if both can come in with an open mind, saving the relationship becomes much easier. The approach is far less effective if both partners refuse to cooperate.

When Is Couples Counseling Recommended?

Most couples counselors agree it’s best to seek help before an issue escalates into a crisis. As stated by marriage researcher John M. Gottman, couples wait an average of six years of being unhappy before getting help. This delay can make problems too ingrained for counseling to be effective.

You may be inclined to think counseling is only for times of crisis, but it can also benefit couples in healthy relationships as well. It can be used to increase intimacy or to end a relationship on amicable terms.

Couples counseling may not be appropriate when there is domestic violence involved. If you fear for your safety, you should seek proper help from authorities or find a local crisis center. Your safety should always come first.

Finding the Right Couples Therapist

You’re ready to talk and have managed to get your partner on board. But where can you find someone you can trust and feel comfortable with? After all, you’ll be sharing deeply intimate details with this person.

For starters, it’s important to choose a relationship counselor who:

1. Is a properly licensed relationship counselor
2. Can show years of experience dealing with your specific issues
3. Has received the required training to practice couples counseling
4. Works with you and your partner to develop a therapy plan
5. Shows compassion and doesn’t take sides
6. Knows how to mediate and maintain control so both you and your partner get to speak
7. Is always ready to help and is easily accessible
8. Encourages feedback from you and your partner with the services offered
9. Costs are affordable or accepts insurance

A licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) is licensed by the state and have advanced training and certification in couples therapy. They are often credentialed by the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT).

The Cost of Couples Counseling

While there’s no regulation for how much a couples therapist can charge, the average cost varies from $50 to $250 per hour. Take note that the cost is by the hour, not per session. Couples counseling sessions usually last one hour, but some may be longer or shorter. So, if one session is two hours and the counselor charges $100 per hour, you would end up paying $200.

Check with your counselor to discuss how they bill their sessions. Also check if they offer any package deals. You should try to find out roughly how many sessions are needed for your treatment.

Will Insurance Cover the Couples Counseling Cost?

It’s safe to assume that you’re likely going to have to cover your own cost for therapy. Majority of insurance companies do not cover couples counseling. That being said, always check with your insurance company first. You may be eligible to get a part or the entire cost reimbursed to you if you or your partner have a mental health disorder.

A word of caution:

If you receive counseling for mental disorder, it will be on your record for years. Keep in mind that this may disqualify you for certain jobs and insurance going forward.

How to Prepare for Couples Counseling

Before you head into your first therapy session, take some time to reflect what you want to get out of it. Set some time aside to find clarity about what your relationship goals are.

Ask yourself:

1. What kind of life do you want with your partner and for yourself?
2. What kind of partner do you need to be to build the life you want?
3. What’s stopping you from becoming the partner you aspire to be?

These questions will help you zero in on what you need and value.

What’s even more important is, you should focus on yourself rather than your partner. Come in with an open mind and let go of preconceived ideas about your partner. Your partner will only change when he/she decides to.

What’s the Bottom Line?

If you’re feeling hopelessness, that doesn’t mean you should give up on your relationship right this moment. After all, you and your partner did fall in love once so this can just be a bump in the relationship path. Relationship is an art. Before you call it quits, try to master it first. Would you drive a car without first taking driving classes?