The Loss of Autonomy
What does a first-time mom do in her spare time? By “spare time” I mean the baby and hubby are asleep, no bottles to clean, and laundry to be done. Randomly scrolling through my phone in my spare, I came across a video wherein a mom is being interviewed about the hardest thing she experienced as a mother. She said “The loss of autonomy”. As English isn’t my first language, I must search for its meaning online. The meaning or description of the word “autonomy” is independence or freedom.
She then explained what freedom to her was like, and things she could do before she had her kids. She said, “It’s not that I don’t want to, but I can’t”. And as a first-time mom, I deeply relate to her in many ways. Taking long hot showers while daydreaming, eating and savoring all my favorite food, endless watching of movies and even washing the dishes while singing all my favorite songs were hard to do especially if you have a 6-month-old crawling or crying in the bedroom.
Don’t get me wrong, I am more than blessed to have help, amazing parents, in-laws, and an even better husband. I even had an amazing pregnancy, no morning sickness, no weird food aversion and cravings, and everyone around me was helpful and supportive. But when you’re alone in the room with the baby you sometimes stare at them and think if everything you are doing is right or is good for them. Ever since having a baby, everything changed, my habits, mindset, and routine and I became distant from the people around me. I became too much of an anti-social, introverted, and lazy. I only wanted to be with my baby and stay at home. I am too afraid to be away for even just a minute because of fear that something bad might happen.
This is also the time I became selfless, as everything changed it included my dreams and prayers, it now circled my own family but especially my baby — I pray for his health, happiness, and future. Things I buy are mostly for him, things I do should be good for him. Everything is about him.
Even in the video, I mentioned earlier the mom was criticized by the people in the comment section, people would say “That’s your decision”, “you chose that path”, yadda yadda yadda. A lot of mean things. My say is that no amount of advice, books, blogs, or videos could prepare you for being a mother, yes those would help a LOT but a lot of new things will come and you would only learn by experiencing it first hand.
So at the start of this new year 2024, I wanted to start good habits that I know will be beneficial for me like writing, starting an Etsy store, reading self-help books, and even meditation. Anything as long as something good. This way, I could bring back an improved version of myself. Even though I can’t do it every day, I believe as my baby grows older. I would regain back my autonomy. For now, I’ll enjoy his cuddles, laugh, and constant pulling of my hair.