Looking to the Future
I received some news today that I knew was inevitable yet still managed to shock me. I had an appointment with my therapist today/yesterday (it’s currently 2:54 am). During this appointment she informed me she had received a phone call from my day treatment program informing her that I have been “terminated”. I knew something like this was coming because I was under an “Attendance Agreement” which stated that if I had more than 2 absences within a 10 day period I would be “discharged” for a minimum of 30 days. I would like to note here that my multiple previous absences which resulted in me being placed on this kind of probation were all related to either physical health issues or legal proceedings. Nevertheless, since I have not attended this program since before Christmas this should not have come as any surprise to me. However, it’s particularly upsetting to me because the reason I have not been back to the program since Christmas break is that Crazy McGee, the neighbor who assaulted me on New Years’ Eve, also attends this program. What was once my only safe place, a place of refuge, has now become yet one more unsafe environment which will continue to trigger my severe PTSD from the attack.
I’m processing, contemplating and planning my next move. Now that my one year lease is up I am able to take my Section 8 voucher to any other shithole apartment of my choosing. Of course my son and his father have been pleading with me to move closer to them since I moved into the apartment I am currently living in (sorry grammar police, I’m tired and have Post Concussive Syndrome from the attack). My son wants me to move closer so I can spend more time with him and be more involved in his day-to-day life. His father wants me to move closer so he doesn’t have to drive as far the 2 times a month he drives to my home to pick my son up from my visitation with him. Regardless of who was asking or their motives, up until now I have said no. Not because I don’t want to be near my son, but because I have been working tirelessly for over 1 1/2 years to build a life for myself in my new home. And things seemed to be coming together. I was attending a day program I loved that was doing wonders for my recovery from mental health issues. I was slowly building relationships with people I felt I could trust. I didn’t want to have to start all over again.
But my situation has rapidly changed. I no longer have a day program that I am welcome at and/or feel safe attending. I no longer have any relationships as I no longer trust anyone. So I began to wonder what exactly is keeping me here. And I realized the answer is: nothing. I have no reason to continue living in this slum. I have no personal ties to anyone in this city. I am back to square one anyway. So if I have to rebuild my life, yet again, why not at least do it as close to my son as possible? From this moment forward this will be one the main focuses of my life. I am not even going to try to rebuild here. It’s like the people who build beach front houses on stilts that are swept away to sea every season by violent storms, yet they keep rebuilding in the same exact place. Like Albert Einstein said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” The curtain has been lifted from my eyes. It’s time to move on.
