May 7, 2020
Life and Its Possibilities After This
The world is on pause right now. What would you want for your life when it plays on again?
If this pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that we don’t actually control much in our lives. It’s incredibly humbling to be reminded of this truth, but is there anything more human than hope? Planning and dreaming are natural tendencies and in many ways, redemptive actions that get us through the dark unknown.
With the gift of time in our hands and the collective pause we find ourselves in, I’ve been pondering this question quite a bit: What is my dream life after all this? Plenty of us have been re-examining our habits and checking in with our life paths. It’s the perfect time to readjust our sails if they aren’t pointing where we actually want to go. For the optimists, this can be a tabula rasa of sorts — a blank slate.
In Jackie Kai Ellis’ book, The Measure of My Powers, she writes,
“Be courageous in allowing yourself to hope for what you truly want. There were times I didn’t allow myself to hope for spectacular things because I was afraid of being disappointed. But try, if you can, to suspend those fears in the times when you are dreaming of possibilities and exploring your truest desires, even if it’s just for five minutes longer than you normally would.”
Here is my attempt at answering the question wholeheartedly.
I started by naming some jobs I might like to be doing:
Perhaps I’d continue working as a freelance designer and flight attendant — I’d love to be able to work from anywhere and travel often. Maybe I could deepen my illustration and lettering practice, and incorporate more writing in there too. What about working for a great design studio with fun coworkers making killer projects? Sign me up. Or, I could find a way to marry my background in textiles and communication design to make products that bring people joy. Growth, challenge and contributing to a collective good is key.
What about location?
I’ve been tossing around the idea of moving for awhile. Nova Scotia has been home for 12 years now. I adore it but have felt a strong urge to explore beyond its comfortable coasts. Before this pandemic, I’d actually been set on moving to Lisbon for a year in June. The idea of a sunny city in Europe with incredible food, fado music in the air, charming colourful streets and a rich history makes my heart do cartwheels.
Now that things are at a standstill, it’s made me think about longer term plans and where I see myself going. Vancouver’s stunning coasts could be in the cards, or perhaps Montreal is the perfect mix of Canadian values and European charm. But this again, is all tentative. No one knows the state we’ll be in or how feasible it will even be to move places after this.
What about people?
I’ve been missing my family and friends dearly. As much as I love my own space and have enjoyed living alone, I can’t wait for the days when we can hold birthday parties, take road trips and go dancing without a care about proximity or shared air. The idea of hanging out with my siblings again or that first embrace with my best buds makes my eyes well up. This time has definitely amplified my affection and appreciation for these beautiful souls, and I intend to keep cultivating these relationships moving forward.
Romantic relationships are a whole different story. I’ve stubbornly refused to make it a priority in my life because it’s always been so daunting to be that vulnerable. Yet, for the past year and a half, I’ve progressively allowed myself to get busier and busier with work so I don’t have to address any desires of building a life with someone, or readiness to explore a relationship.
Call it the pandemic talking, but I think this time of heightened emotion has just allowed for pre-existing fears, inklings and desires to surface. Now we actually have time to address them if we can be brave enough to look them in the eye.
What does my dream home look like?
A space with lots of sunlight. I’d love a cozy nook to read in or have a coffee by the window. My home would always have music — whether it’s a favourite playlist, a birdsong, a whistling kettle of tea or the sound of the night’s silence. I’d love a nice work desk with plants, and a kitchen that has a lot of life in it, because we all know some of the best conversations happen over food. The only things in this home would be beautiful or purposeful, if not both.
I would hope its walls would be filled with hugs and laughter, and hold room for tears too. If I could be so bold, I’d ask the universe to place me in a city with an ocean. There exists a sacred relationship between water, land, and people, and a kind of poetry to the ways in which we live in tandem with this great body that sustains and continually educates us. There’s nothing quite like it.
At the end of this, what does my dream life look like?
Well, it still isn’t clear. I could go on and imagine right down to the textiles in my dream wardrobe or the kinds of olive oil in my pantry but none of these answers will ever be concrete or encompassing enough. Nothing can really be determined until things start moving again.
So what was this exercise for?
Believe me, it left me just as frustrated as you. I’ve asked all the questions and I still don’t know where to move to, who I want to be, or what job to take on. Every question led to more questions! I simmered on this for weeks until one day, it happened upon me on one of my walks. Softly, but clear as a bell.
The answer isn’t a person, place or paycheque; it’s a feeling, a notion: My dream life is one where I am in love.
Before you start rolling your eyes, let me clarify.
I want to be in love with my life and every aspect of it. I would like to see joy in my daily routines, the people I surround myself with and the home I wake up in. You know that feeling of expansion, that trust that you’ve got everything you need and the wind at your back? I would like to live my days where even the mundane feels like a gift and small interactions feel extra vivid — just like being in love. It doesn’t matter if it’s here or across another continent, nor if I have the most successful career or a gorgeous house.
It is the feeling of ease and delight that comes with being in love with living. It is in the intentional practice of noticing life with tenderness and bright eyes knowing that all of it, and all of us are but transient guests here.
“The most important aspect of love is not in giving or the receiving: it’s in the being […] Being in love means seeing the Beloved all around me.”
― Ram Dass
They say that being in love is an unsustainable state. When you’re in love with a person, this is likely the case because it takes two to tango. Being in love with your life on the other hand, is dependent solely on you.
Go lightly, I remind myself. Not everything has to be so precise, so serious. Moving forward, I’m keeping this in mind as I take action. I’ve spent so much time in fear of making the wrong decisions that I’ve actually allowed time and circumstance make decisions for me. Maybe it isn’t about figuring out all the right choices but just taking the next good step.
So what about you, friend?
What does your dream life look like after all this? I hope you’ll find as much value in asking the questions as in unearthing the answers. Suspend those fears of disappointment; let yourself sit in the quiet long enough to hear those inklings and desires surface …even if it’s just for five minutes longer than you normally would.
