A reveal your favourite colour party
It’s such a beautiful day, the garden looks perfect, a crowd of friends gather around you to cut a large cake. The invite made clear that the colour of the filling would denote something very special — your favourite colour.
The knife comes out dirty, the crumbs are… blue! Congratulations! Everyone cheers with delight, but politely avoids the suspicious looking cake.
A reveal you’re a spy party
Your guests arrive at the door, tentatively. One asks if there is actually an event, if the coded invitation was right? Of course they cracked the code, that was an easy one. You wanted them to crack it. They play right into your cunning hands.
They all sign the non-disclosure. You secure the perimeter, draw the blinds, take off your trenchcoat while your guests mill around eating vol au vents, just like you planned. They all assemble in the drawing room. You stand suddenly.
“You may wonder why I’ve asked you all here today, you see, I have something to tell you…”
You pause for dramatic effect. Roger, the insufferable fool, cuts in.
“Is it… because you’re a spy?”
Shit, your cover is blown. You’d been so careful. Scramble, get out of there. You run down the hall and slam the front door, so they think you’re already on your way to Prague. You hide in the broom closet until they leave.
A reveal your deepest darkest secret party
Not for the faint at heart.
+1s are allowable, but be careful — it’s all fun and games to join together as a family and giggle at your brother’s new girlfriend’s hilarious story of the threesome that went oh-so-wrong until we all learn that Aunt Susan is having an affair with a pot smoking possum farmer from Bathurst.
A reveal whether or not you see your wife as your equal party
The mood is grim fairly early on.
You planned the big moment down to the details: everyone would count down together, your wife beside you in your arms, and you’d light the fuses and the giant letter panels in the backyard would explode to reveal individual flaming letters spelling ‘YES’ or ‘NO’.
In hindsight, only having two giant explosive letter panels might have given it away a bit early.
For some reason your wife has been acting cold to you lately. Mental note to ask her about it after the party.
A reveal the gender of your cat party
The truth is, you’re actually not sure. Sometimes it can be really hard to determine the sex of your cat! I had this teacher in primary school who had the coolest boy cat ever, “Buck”, until Buck had 6 kittens and a class full of 8 year-olds had to come to terms with the illusion of gender.
That said, take it from me that there are few things more fun to do at a party than pass around an animal and scrutinise its genitals up close with your nearest and dearest.
A reveal you’re actually cheating party
This is a hard one to pull off, but is highly memorable if you get it right. The trick to it is the secrecy and subterfuge: make sure everyone thinks you’re going to reveal something weird and boring like the gender of your future kid.
Right, so, everyone’s there, your partner is smiling, joyful, you’re getting ready to pull down the banner together. You kiss them one last time on the cheek, whisper “I love you”, and yank! A hand-painted sign unfurls: Surprise, I’m moving to Hawaii with Jeff, his insurance has dental, sorry!. Your partner is stuck looking at the sign, the room is in shock. There’s silence.
The room turns to you, or they would have if you were still standing there, but you’re not, you’re already in the cab with Jeff on your way to the airport, martinis in hand, laughing.
A reveal which genitals your child has party
Everyone assembles for the big moment, excited to find out the shape of the skin your future child will urinate from/possibly have sex with. You and your heterosexual spouse hold hands to cut open the box containing the celebratory balloon.
Everyone holds their breath. You count down: 3 … 2 … 1!
Suddenly, a 4ft helium-filled makeshift vulva rises before you, clitoris proud, to the joyful screams of the attending children. Other parents’ applause greets you, their smiles bleached and giant, their teeth impeccably straight. You kiss your heterosexual spouse on the mouth, accidentally letting go of the balloon, trying to grab it but it’s too far gone . It gets caught in the neighbour’s jacaranda, staring down at the now beaming guests, spread labia flapping proudly in the breeze.
What a beautiful day.