I’m getting married in a couple weeks, and as a part of my journey to find love, I’ve been doing a lot of self-questioning. It’s recently come to my attention that there is yet to be a fuckable President of the United States. I would not fuck them in the White House. I would not fuck them in a blue blouse. I would not fuck a silver fox. I would not let them in my box.
Here’s a list of my sexual opinions:
1. George Washington — While I respect the hell out of his #childfree lifestyle, I do have to wonder if everything was working alright down there. He never managed to knock Martha up, and it’s not like that bitch was on the pill.
2. John Adams — This guy just doesn’t “get it” when it comes to women. Have you read Abigail’s letters begging him to think about women’s rights when he was about to FORM AN ENTIRE NEW GOVERNMENT, and his condescending, mansplaining replies? I’m getting a rage headache just thinking about them. He defff couldn’t find the clit.
3. Thomas Jefferson — HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let’s not even start with this tire fire.
4. James Madison — Straight-up looks like Sam the Eagle from the Muppets. Plus he has a weird, heart-shaped hairline. Frankly, I’d rather fuck the Muppet.
5. James Monroe — He’s the reason we have Florida. NEXT!
6. John Quincy Adams — Not into dudes whose whole life plans are so clearly centered around gaining their fathers’ approval. Take those Daddy issues to the track!
7. Andrew Jackson — GOOD GRIEF. So not into his Trail of Tears bullshit, but on top of that, who wants a man who has such a hard-on for dueling? Straight men always think we want them to fight over us, but women know that all that glove-slapping nonsense has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with them making a big, dramatic scene to prove their masculinity. Save that for the car dealership!
8. Martin Van Buren — I don’t even think Martin Van Buren would fuck Martin Van Buren.
9. William Henry Harrison — This man was so fragile, getting an erection probably would’ve killed him. He was only president for 23 days before he keeled over, anyway, so when would we have found the time?
10. John Tyler — Please. Who wants to fuck Tippecanoe’s consolation prize?
11. James K. Polk — A pro-slavery president from Tennessee, who straight-up had a mullet. He was basically the original redneck. Would not let him Polk me.
12. Zachary Taylor — I don’t trust people with two first names. He sounds like a Disney tween heartthrob who should be in Tiger Beat.
13. Millard Fillmore — He looks like a suspicious Alec Baldwin in a downward spiral. If it came down to it, I think I’d honestly rather sit on Mallard Fillmore’s face instead.
14. Franklin Pierce — Alcoholic doughface.
15. James Buchanan — Oh, please, this guy did not fuck. He was our only “bachelor president.” (Oh my God, can you imagine if that was a reality sh — No, Liz. Stay focused.) He had to ask his niece to act as First Lady, which is just sad. That’s like taking your mom to the prom, except a hundred times worse. I don’t know if he was gay, bi, asexual, or just had no game, but I can tell you one thing: I’m staying the hell out of it!
16. Abraham Lincoln — So, listen. Lincoln had a lot of great qualities, but being the kind of hot piece you want to grind on all night was not one of them. Those lanky-creepy looks would’ve played really well in a post-punk band, though! Unfortunately, he was president instead. :(
17. Andrew Johnson — Any guy who has a euphemism for a dong as part of his name is not going to be a good lay. Too much to coast on.
18. Ulysses S. Grant — Wouldn’t let him besiege my Deep South, if you know what I’m saying.
19. Rutherford B. Hayes — Out here lookin like Father John Misty + 100 years? Hard pass, bro.
20. James A. Garfield — Died in New Jersey, which is my greatest fear. Sitting on his dick would be far too triggering.
21. Chester A. Arthur — I don’t mean to be rude, but most of these VPs who became president through an assassination were extremely tepid. Plus, his facial hair was ridiculous. It was a full W, as in “Why would anyone fuck me?”
22. Grover Cleveland — His main supporters were a bunch of Repubs known as the Mugwumps, which I think is a house team at the UCB. Gonna cold skip a turn here.
23. Benjamin Harrison — I was falling asleep reading facts about Benjamin Harrison until I came upon a photo of his rival within the Indian Republican Party, Walter Q. Gresham. Hellooooo, nurse! I know where I side in this case of celebrity frenemies!
24. Grover Cleveland — Oh my God, sir, put it away already!
25. William McKinley — This man has more fictional high schools named after him than any other president, and that is the sexiest thing about him.
26. Theodore Roosevelt — Teddy loved yammering about his big stick, and hanging out with “bears.” Something tells me I’d be barking up the wrong tree here.
27. William Howard Taft — As a cultural figure, Taft is one of my favorite presidents. His extra-large bathtub! His cows Pauline and Mooly Wooly! Plus, he was supposed to have a really great laugh, which is a killer for me. But honestly, he hated being president and was a stressed-out sad sack the whole time, so I think presidential pussy would be wasted on him.
28. Woodrow Wilson — Giving me Mr. Slugworth vibes. *shivers* Ooh! Stay away from my everlasting Gobstopper!
29. Warren G. Harding — He was the reason I had to learn about the Teapot Dome scandal in school, which was the most boring shit ever, so I’m not a fan. I’ll stick with the original Warren G.
30. Calvin Coolidge — I don’t know if anyone is into white guys enough to want to fuck Calvin Coolidge. That would have to be a full-on fetish.
31. Herbert Hoover — He supported Prohibition, and his biggest project was a giant dental dam. Dude clearly didn’t like to party.
32. Franklin Delano Roosevelt — I gotta be honest: this one gave me pause. But then I dug a little deeper, and found out that homie was long-term fucking around on his wife with the 25 year-old White House party planner, who was basically Eleanor’s right-hand woman. That’s such a lame fuckboy move for a Depression-era prez! That’s like a ’60s prez move, or a ’90s prez move, not a Dirty Thirties, socialist-champion-of-the-American-working-class prez move! My knees are LOCKED together.
33. Harry S. Truman — He dropped the bomb, but he was also very pro-Civil Rights. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there you have: a man who is not getting into my pussy.
34. Dwight D. Eisenhower — Is there a bigger narc on this list of presidents than Dwight D? His face makes me dry enough to be a wildfire hazard.
35. John F. Kennedy — I know that you were all waiting for this one. Everyone thinks that JFK was our most fuckable president until Obama. What I want to say is this: look at photos and videos of JFK. Really, really look at them, and imagine if you met this guy in a bar. Can you honestly say that without context, this is a hot guy? I’m sorry, but I can not. He has all the qualities that make Ben Affleck unappealing, and none of his apology puppies. Plus, his dick had to be dirtier than Al Capone’s.
36. Lyndon B. Johnson — Would YOU fuck a man who held meetings on the toilet? No, thanks, Claire Underwood.
37. Richard Nixon — Girl, please. Ain’t nobody got time for Tricky Dick.
38. Gerald Ford — Nah. Yo, but that wouldn’t that be hilarious, though?
“I fucked a president”
“OMG which one”
“Oh. So what else is going on”
39. Jimmy Carter — Looks like a peanut and had no damn PR sense.
40. Ronald Reagan — NEVER *clap* FUCK *clap* AN AIDS *clap* DENIER! *clap*
41. George H. W. Bush — Any guy who has a euphemism for snatch as part of his name is not going to be a good lay. Too much to prove.
42. Bill Clinton — This is another guy who everyone assumes is a universally fuckable president. He’s basically become the litmus test for female heterosexuality. I’m not saying that if I met him at a party, I wouldn’t be charmed, but for me it always comes back to one thing: the saxophone. That shit is so CORNYYYY! What am I, a middle aged woman from Arkansas who’s never seen live jazz before? I’m not going to be enchanted by this California Raisin of a man! Get outta here!
43. George W. Bush — I would honestly feel like I’d be taking advantage of a child.
44. Barack Obama — I know, I know. But let’s be reasonable here. I know that he is a cool black dude who smokes cigarettes, but we can’t allow that to blind us to the fact that he is also a lawyer. I’m undecided, but I know one thing: I would never cross Michelle.
(And fine, let’s be real: this man would never fuck me, no matter how much he identifies as an alt-comic.)
So please, America, when you go out to vote this November, keep your eye on the prize: electing a president you wouldn’t have sex with in a million years.