Cosmopolitan recently published an editorial on why mac ‘n’ cheese sucks. Respectfully—da fuck? Why is a women’s sex tips pamphlet even taking a stand on this matter? How come Cosmo is publishing this, but my pitch about used IUDs that look like celebrities got rejected? So rude.
Mac ‘n’ cheese has always been my death row meal, my rock, and at certain low points, my common-law partner. I plan to rebut all of this article’s claims, like a cheesy, gooey Marcia Clark—except that this time, the gloves are off! (See what I did there?)
Claim #1: “Putting [cheese and pasta] together — and watering it down with butter, cream, and whatever else — into one soppy, bland mess is a sad excuse for a meal.”
I think we can all agree that someone who is fundamentally against the union of cheese, butter, and pasta is not to be trusted. Do you hate Fettuccine Alfredo, too? Fettuccine Alfredo is just grown-up mac ‘n’ cheese!
Also: “soppy?” Mac ’n’ cheese should never be soppy—how exactly are you preparing yours, Nicholas Sparks? Tend your own garden before you start weeding mine.
Claim #2: “The entire dish is just super-mild cheese that’s watered down even more and melted on top of plain elbow pasta.”
Are you literally pouring water into your mac ’n’ cheese? “Watered down” does not describe any baked pasta dish I’ve ever eaten. Additionally, there’s no rule that says you have to use elbows and mild cheese. Is that why yours is coming out so shitty?
Claim #3: “Hand me a plate of macaroni and cheese that doesn’t have much else to offer besides carbs and after just a couple bites I’ll start to gag.”
Ugh, stop trying to turn me on! You Cosmogirls are so raunchy!
Claim #4: “If it’s not overly mushy, then the pasta and the cheese are dry AF.”
Maybe if you weren’t pouring water into your casserole dish, but made al dente pasta with a decent béchamel like the rest of us, yours wouldn’t be so jacked up.
But also, the crunchy, dried-out pieces in the corners are the best, shut the fuck up.
Claim #5: “Don’t even try to argue that I haven’t had mac and cheese with ‘really good cheese.’ Because it’s blasphemy to use high-quality curds in a dish as cruddy as this.”
First you were mad that the cheese was too mild and bland, and now you’re mad that the cheese is too good? You’re setting us up to fail, like when I took that Cosmo quiz “What Type of Bitch Are You?”
Claim #6: “The boxed stuff is so incredibly processed.”
So? Some of the best things in life are processed, like Gwen Stefani’s hair, Justin Bieber’s visa, or my traumatic childhood memories. And like Kraft Mac & Cheese, they’re all great when I’m drunk!
Claim #7: “Even the homemade versions suck. I don’t care if you think your mom or cute little grandma makes the best homemade mac in the world, it’s still just plain elbows loaded with mild cheeses and that’s it.”
Bitch, don’t come for my mom’s mac. You know nothing of Kathy’s recipe. I don’t come down to where your mom is making a loving, homemade meal and shit all over it.
Claim #8: “Even bacon can’t save it.”
Bacon doesn’t need to be involved here. If you’re the kind of person with a garbage enough palate to want to drag bacon into every dish, you should probably go back to tweeting about how good Dunkin Donuts coffee is, or how much you love naps, or whatever.
Claim #9: “It literally pales in comparison to pizza.”
Mac ‘n’ cheese is a SIDE DISH, not an entree. Stop expecting it to be everything to everyone, and appreciate it for what it is. You don’t go to mac ‘n’ cheese expecting to get a profile on women in Congress, tips for negotiating a raise, and a report on sexual assault on college campuses. You go to it for your horoscope, fun nail polish colors for spring, and a list of things you can do to your boyfriend’s dick with objects in your utility drawer. It is the Cosmo to pizza’s Glamour. Check yourself.
In conclusion, mac ‘n’ cheese is what you make of it. And by that, I mean learn how to cook. Literally, learn how to make the dish before you try and talk shit about my mom’s, because I WILL COME FOR YOU.