FindingThe One

Today my fiancé can do no right. I find everything about him annoying – the way he moves, talks. He leans in for a good morning kiss. I move my head back a little so he can still land the kiss, but I get to not be a full yes to it either. I would be horrified for him to know that I am internally annihilating him- Why isn’t he packing up? What is he waiting for? Why can’t he make a decision? Dear God why am I with this man..

Yes. I am being a brat.

I even know I’m being a brat, and trying not to be isn’t working. There must be a solution. This is clearly all wrong.. (Frantic mental noise resumes)

And then I sit, and it hits me.

And it is nothing to do with my fiancé.

The voice that pipes up and silences all the others tells me – I want to cry.

Oh boy. Seriously?

Yes. And that’s ok. Just do that.

The rush of sweet sadness and heaviness envelopes my body, transporting me out of the mental torment and back to truth: I am exhausted, and I am trying to run faster and faster to get away from it. I left myself behind somewhere.

We are on an epic adventure – a cycle tour from Inverness to Barcelona. This is ‘my Everest’ in every sense – challenging, glorious, terrible, beautiful.

And now I am sat in a tent facing another challenging day with an emotional storm brewing. How on earth am I going to make it across Europe when I can’t even manage the length of Britain?

The sadness is bringing my attention to where I broke a bond with myself – I didn’t give myself a day off when I knew I wanted and needed it. I didn’t keep my attention on myself – over the past three days, the goal of ‘getting there’ became more important than my very self, which is the quickest way to have a pointless, even damaging experience.

The difficult truth is – I have no one to blame but myself. It is difficult to look at how I treat myself, and far easier to blame everyone and everything around me – in this case, my fiancé.

I have to look at that tender precious broken bond within and say – ‘I’m sorry’, with a cracked open heart.

THE relationship I want is with myself, because, to be blunt, she is awesome, endlessly fascinating, challenging, intriguing, playful… Would I want to date her? Hell yes!

When I shine with THAT knowledge about myself, forged from going into the trenches with my own psyche, I don’t have to push or pull to ‘get’ anyone or anything. The things I once thought were beyond reach are simply drawn to me. My desires land in my living room, or in a surprise phone call, or have already woven into my life without my notice. I have become the person able to receive my longings, and they arrive.

In these moments I am looking through the eyes of a woman fiercely and lovingly at the helm of every aspect of her inner world. I have the power to assign my fiancé to the rank of demon in my internal war, or the man I want to sink my teeth into for far more pleasurable reasons.

What makes the difference?

Remembering the the only ‘one’ in my life is me.

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