I’m drowning. Not in water. Not in emotions. Luckily not in debt. But woefully not in money.

I’m drowning in goddam words. I’m drowning in content. In messages and quotes and list of 4 things you must do to be more productive and 10 reasons why your 30s are better than your 20s and 140 characters and 6 seconds.

I remember the day that I opened my Facebook account. I had been led to the shores of a sea of content. The water looked calm. The sun was shining. Imagine light reflecting, a light breeze blowing — all that good shit that comes with a perfect day at the beach.

I dipped my toe in. The water was warm. Life was good. But who stops at dipping their toe in when the water is warm?

And so there was Instagram. And Twitter. And LinkedIn. And all of a sudden I was wading, quite comfortably, in this warm inviting body of content. Each stroke I took was a new username, every kick a new password.

Just as I was beginning to feel tired, I encountered apps. At first, I thought they were flotation devices that would help me to manage my energy. But actually, they weren’t. The apps created waves with their notifications and badges. I tried to protect myself from their force. I made rules like no screens after 9pm and don’t sleep with your phone next to you. But they were stronger than me.

Finally a blogstorm of catastrophic proportions approached. Imagine a scene from The Perfect Storm. Imagine rain and lightening strikes. Imagine a huge swell. Imagine chaos and terror. Imagine George Clooney if it makes it easier.

Fade to black.

The forces of content have left me severely damaged. My attention span has been amputated. I’ve sustained acute trauma to my focus and comprehension. I also have content amnesia, which means that 10 seconds after I’ve read something I can’t remember what I’ve read or where the hell it came from (unless it’s a picture of a fucking puppy or a Ryan Gosling meme).

I’m beginning to think this damage is irreparable but I’m seeking a second opinion.

Can someone out there help me?

*Please note that the irony of the fact that right at this very moment I am creating content has not been lost on me.

**Also note ‘content’ is a Homograph. You can be it. In which case you are peacefully happy. Or you can read it. Which in my case has made me the opposite of peacefully happy. WTF English.