Disneyland (on slim-fast) for beautiful 20-somethings.

How to approach a famous person and other lessons from Coachella

I’m sitting on a bus. I’m not on my way to work. Nor I am visiting relatives in some two-bit town. In the seat opposite me a group of girls are having a heated discussion about which of them is the biggest JAP (Jewish American Princess).

Behind me someone is having a panic attack about the fact that they’re wearing cowboy boots. Reassured by a friend, they are told they look ‘trendy’. This, however, is an even bigger problem as their personal style is actually more ‘edgy’.

Last weekend I was ‘Coachella’d’.

Coachella is like Disneyland (on slim-fast) for beautiful 20-somethings. I’m surprised that I was granted entry given that:

01) Woefully, I am not 20-something

02) I missed the memo on dress code which apparently was something along the lines of neo-boho-ho (more on this later).

Never the less, I thoroughly enjoyed every last ridiculous minute and I learnt a few valuable lessons which I’d like to share:

How to approach famous people

If, like me, you aren’t accustomed to seeing celebrities of above c-grade caliber this may seem a little daunting. Firstly, don’t chase a celebrity with your camera. This will make you seem desperate and star struck. Additionally, shouting out their name and waving at them frantically when they turn around is trés, trés uncool*.

If you find yourself next to a celebrity, I’m going to use, say, Shaun White as a hypothetical example**, strike up a conversation by making some comment about the music. As the conversation progresses maybe ask them what they do for a living. When they respond with something very impressive like ‘I’m a two time olympic gold medalist and X-games snowboarding legend’ play it cool. Say something like…“Right-o, so you’re a pretty big deal then”.

What ever you do don’t ruin your rapport by asking for them to pose for a photo (awkward buzz kill) or randomly blurting out ‘Man, I’m so glad to have met you.”

* I learnt this the hard way.

** This is not hypothetical. It actually happened.

How to dress like you belong at Coachella

While Coachella may be a grown up version of Disneyland, wearing Mickey Mouse ears will not make you fit in. This isn’t really a dress up kind of festival. Except for the fact that you need to look like you’ve travelled through time from Woodstock ’69. This means that you should be wearing something floaty and white. Maybe your dress will have long sleeves. Maybe it will have shoe string straps. It will most definitely be see through. Because being at a music festival gives you dispensation to look overtly sexual like a ho.

If you want to take your neo-boho-ho look to the next level you could crown yourself with a headpiece of oversized flowers and trade in floaty and white for crochet — as in a crochet dress with holes large enough to fit your hand through, and your bikini underneath — never underwear. That would be taking it too far.

Things to do when you are not listening to music

#hashtag obviously. It didn’t happen in real life unless it happened on Instagram too. Maybe you could take a photo of your VIP wristbands while holding your $11 drink #vipbaby #bigpimping

Or you could take a pouty selfie wearing a fedora with some landmark in the background #lookatmebeingallkickassatcoachella #awesomenesspersonified #doyouwantobeme

Once you’ve hashtagged the shit out of it you’ll want to check your phone every half hour to see how many likes and comments you’ve racked up so you can decide how much fun you are really having and how hot you actually look.

How to sound like you know lots about music

Just because you’re at a music festival doesn’t mean that you know a lot about music — but it’s always great to look like you do.

Don’t talk about headline acts. What you want to have is an opinion on those acts that are written in really, really, really tiny writing on the lineup poster. Always talk about their first album and how it was your favourite.

Create your own obscure genres of music and liken them to what you’re listening to. Suggested genres include Mushroom Folk, Butt Pop, Biodicso, Beyonce Goth Drum and Huge Stoner Dub.

If all else fails, Google someone else’s opinion and claim it as your own.

#balloons
Coachella-ites.
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