The First Step…

I’ve been reading a LOT of self-help lately, both books and articles. A recent one by a young gentleman listed multiple things that he had supposedly learned, both comforting and maybe not so comforting. I thought it might be beneficial to jot down some thoughts about some of his items and look at them from a different viewpoint.

First, let me state that the other blogger is a wonderful, thoughtful individual. He is a couple of decades younger than I and I believe we are from different parts of the world. And while I believe that we all have things in common and can resonate with at least some part of what most people say or do, I find it interesting at the influx of individuals who in their youthful exuberance, seem so full of advice.

I remember being that way once. I remember believing I had things figured out and could see so many of the roads ahead of me and the correct paths for each decision. I remember having such surety in my advice to others, covering parenting, marriage, jobs, family and so forth…

So, now I’m a couple of decades older. I’ve experienced some life curves along the way. I’m realizing more and more that anyone who claims to have all the answers or even a large part of them, is either fooling themselves or they haven’t taken any real risks yet, or they might be too young for life to send significant obstacles.

I’m not saying the young don’t have more than their share of trials and tribulations. I’m not claiming my life curves have been in some massive and traumatic form. I don’t believe that what I’ve experienced is so much better or worse than anyone else. If anything, the more experiences I have, the more I see every day that not only are each of us trying to muddle through the best we can, but also those who are trying to find answers should first be commended and second, realize their answers work for them, period. They may or may not work for others.

I’m going to try addressing some of the suggestions made in some of the self-help posts I’ve seen recently for a couple of reasons.

1. I want to get these thoughts running laps around in my head down and hopefully either give my head a little quiet or possibly have them maybe make a little more sense on paper.
2. I hope someone else reading these thoughts might take comfort themselves in their time of turmoil or upheaval, knowing that the questions are usually more important than the answers. I truly believe when we stop asking questions, we stagnate and die.

So, to begin:

One of the suggestions I’ve read states to pretend your parents are dead. The idea is that you shouldn’t be trapped in other’s expectations. Though other’s may truly believe they have your best interest at heart, they are viewing you and your life through their lens.

There are a lot of prophets out there who want to ‘help’ you find your way. Other words for them can be coaches, mentors, therapists, the uncle, parents, and so on… And while I do believe there have been times in my life that I paid too much attention to what others around me thought and believed, I also know that I need their feedback to keep myself on track.

As you will soon discover if you read my posts, I’m constantly shifting back and forth in my head between both sides of an equation. I don’t believe in absolutes. I think it’s all a continuum and a path. Where we are on that continuum or path is a matter of our lens, our experience, our mood, our inner world, and so on. So, with all statements that come my way, I have two reactions.

1. I agree with some part of it and usually nod in understanding, comparing it to areas in my life it has worked or could be beneficial.
2. Some part of me then immediately begins taking the statement apart and searching for places and times it won’t work. Some call it the devil’s advocate in me. I’m not trying to be argumentative, my head just starts spinning along the lines of what can and can’t work, when and why…

Point being:

• Pay attention to those around you.
• Listen to them and understand their point of view.
• Try and see if it makes sense coming from their perspective.
• What can you take from what they are saying and use for yourself?
• What areas might you be accepting advice wholesale or where might you be throwing everything away without looking at which parts might be beneficial?
• Last, but not least, every person who has touched your life has influenced you, one way or another. They may have given you a great example of what NOT to do, but they still have influenced you. And knowing where those influences came from and why they are there makes your decisions responses and not reactions. Responses are thought out and have understanding behind them. Reactions are like the doctor hitting your knee with the little hammer to test your reflex.
• Respond, don’t react.

So those parents or anyone else you wish to pretend no longer exist… sure you need to take their advice in the appropriate measure only, not giving them more influence than is healthy. But, respect where that advice might be coming from because unless they have a significant personality disorder, they are trying to do the best they can as well.

Maybe what they are trying to tell you only pertains slightly. Maybe you can use what they say to quietly go in the opposite direction. Usually, some combination or side track is the most accurate.

I would highly recommend being wary of those who try to sell you everything as gospel truth, asking you not to question or consider. Yes, many have traveled roads that look damn similar to your own. Many have great ideas. But know it’s okay to tailor those ideas to your circumstances, as long as you are willing to constantly assess and change what is and isn’t working.

We’re all just trying to survive here…