16 february 2016.
tomorrow, it will have been lent for already one week. one week out of 40 days, and i have decided i need to get, and keep my shit together, so i will try writing because i don’t know what else to do. i used to write a lot, whether it was digitally on my private tumblr or physically in my hardcover, spiral bound black notebook with some corny magical quote on the cover in gold. i used to write about whatever issues i thought i was going through and when i looked back on it years later all i could do was laugh because it seemed as if everything had managed to solve itself just by me growing up and going through time. i don’t exactly know what i’m going to write about with this lent but i am hoping it will spark something back inside me or make me grow and realize things and all of that other corny bullshit. fingers crossed.
this past weekend i realized there are a lot of people who take pride in having no filter. i don’t know when this became acceptable, or i think people have confused “having no filter” with “keepin’ it real.” i, for one, do not believe the two are synonymous and dear God i hope people learn the difference sometime soon.
i bring this up because yesterday afternoon, i gave adchay an attitude for the first time ever. or at least, i gave him an unnecessary, uncalled for attitude for the first time ever. i am nowhere near the kindest person there is, but i wouldn’t consider myself rude to those i care about. therefore, when i was called out on my bullshit, i had to stand back and think about what’s been wrong with me lately and how i had the audacity to treat him with such shitty mannerisms.
most of the time i feel like i am drowning. whether it’s drowning in literal schoolwork, drowning in activities, drowning in sorrows, drowning in insecurities, and even drowning in happiness. and i guess it has been a while since i have come up for air. and instead of remembering that he is my endless breath of fresh air, that he is the oxygen that provides, i combusted because i felt i had too much of it.
i will never have too much of it.
and i guess i blew up because for some reason, succumbing to insecurities is easier than basking in confidence. for some reason, i have had a harder time believing that i am brilliant, beautiful, and bright. for some reason, my charm feels inconsistent or nonexistent and every other “non-ent” there is. for some reason, i am not as trusting as i was and i am not as carefree.
while i do not know the particular cause, i know that i needn’t let it control me. a setback does not equate to a step back, it means i just need to step back.
i’ll figure it out.