Bye bye 2017

2017 was a relatively peaceful year on the surface.

It didn’t have the scale of drama that a good part of the past 10 years was defined by.

But it was also a year where the war in my head was unrelenting. And the ghosts of my past kept calling.

I struggled with many things this year.

With what it meant to be a female leader.
With my increasing introversion. 
With my realisation that I am far less self-aware than I thought I was.

There are glass ceilings in my life that I have carried. Disqualifications for many reasons.

Because I am too emotional, too strong, too brash, too straight-forward. That my enthusiasm and knack for ‘speaking plainly’ meant I was often read as being a snobby know-it-all.

I often regretted what I said, to the point where I became afraid to speak. Or would speak, and regret it anyway.

I would look at the lives of others and wish that I could be more of them. I wanted to be a person who:
Could say the right words, entreat people in the right way and be well received.
Could walk into a room and be a face and a voice that people immediately wanted to trust.

But yet I was none of the above. And I drew a line above my head. I was resigned to be the girl in the background. The one who could do the work, but could never face the world.

A growing awareness that I am wrong more often than I realise brought back a barrage of guilt from the past.

If I met the version of me from 5 years ago today, I would have thought I was a total ass.

Quoting Justin Bieber, “Is it too late now to say sorry?”

Yes. But it made me sorrowful nonetheless.

On the surface I am the girl who seems unfazed. But underneath the bravado is the same fragile creature with the same insecurities, the same fear of failure, the same feeling of worthlessness and the same propensity to despair.

But maybe that’s okay. I’ve always been afraid to be seen as weak. Because I’ve always tied my self-worth to being seen as strong, capable, talented. To have to prove that I am valuable.

At the close of 2017, I told Colin: 
“I feel like I’m giving up on myself.”

Giving up on the need to be strong. To be right. To have answers. To have it all together. And surrendering it again (and again, and again) to the One who doesn’t need me to be strong for myself. Who isn’t surprised by how weak I truly am. Who is bemused that I’m trying to hold my world together when He’s already got it all under control.

So… 2018 goals are simple. 
More Jesus, less lizzy.

Adventure time continues.

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