78 miles away in this Mcdonalds.

Iv’e never posted anything on Medium. In fact I ran into this site just reading a funny article over a burrito story, just trying to get my mind off of things going on in my life. Truth is, I was looking for something to make me feel better and I think I’m looking for a way to solve my woes through writting. I have no clue where I’m going with this but somehow I’m trusting by the end of this article I’ll have my answer. I should probably start out with where I’m at.

I’m at a mcdonalds. 78 miles from my home. I picked a 24 hour mcdonalds for three reasons, one: free wifi, two: a comode, and three: 24 hours-being that I know I’ll probably be here all night. I’ll do my best but the beeping sound of the french fries I feel my distract me a bit. Beeeeeep Beeeeep Beeeeep…

Heartbreak gets the best of us. What gets to me more, is my anger. You can only imagine what breaking my heart and making me angry does to the atmosphere. I know I have these tendencies thus I discovered a way to channel it. In no way to I encourage anyone to do what I practice to calm my anger, but it’s what helps me. I drive. When I feel pain, I try to disguise it. Ignore it, pretend I’m insusceptible to hurt. I know this ins’t healthy and when I feel the anger rather then down a bottle of pain killers or jump off a bridge I’ll get in my truck and drive down I35 screaming country songs and pollting my nose holes with buckets of snot. I’ve learned to guage my hurt based on how far I get. This time I made it to a different state and if there was anything I learned from this trip it’s that the whole time I was looking for a reason to go back. Beeeeeep Beeeeep Beeeeep… Those damn french fries I swear.

It’s amazing what you hear when you eavesdrop. This 16 year old boy just came in here and mad new friends right off the bat. Within two minutes I learned he was engaged. Part of me wanted to go over there and let him know how dumb he sounded. Maybe to burst his bubble to let him know it would never work out. If anything I wanted to tell him to pull his pants up since that fad has long left this society if he was trying to be anywhere near “cool” but what occurd to me was that regardless of how dumb he looked, he was in love. That girl he was with, probably loved the shit out of his pants hanging half way off his ass and despite my judmental calloused heart, deserved to have his first love without me “telling him the truth”. If anything, I’m jealous. Beeeeeep Beeeeep Beeeeep… someone get those fucking oil soaked potatoes.

Jaques was everything I wanted, and nothing I needed. He was the asshole. I was the good girl, who thought she could change him, and I’d like to think I still did. I was so drawn to him, because I saw so much of myself in him. He had been hurt, he was quiet, he wasn’t easy to read. But he talked to me. After a year, I was in love. The things he told me, when he talked I listened to like a child listening to her mother read. I felt priveleged that he felt comfortable enough with me to even share his life. By falling in love with him, I became frustrated with the things I also loved about him AKA the same problems I struggled with, but while seeing him deal with those problems. I fixed myself. I let myself open up. I think I saw what I was doing I chose to be better, so while I was bettering myself he just stayed the same. So now here I am, fully aware of the things I need to work on, while just watching him waste away. It became too much and today though I’m not sure how I can live without him, chose to walk away. I keep telling myself it’s for the best but how do good things, hurt so bad?

It ties in with the 16 year old.

I deserved to have that love. I didn’t deserve to have my heart broken, but I needed to look at what I had with him. Appreciate the opportuity I had by becoming a better person through looking at my flaws first hand. Jaques will always have my heart. I can’t even begin to lie by saying I wouldn’t take him back if he gave me what I needed. Driving here I told myself I wasn’t going back but at every turn I wanted him to text me and say something so perfect I would just HAVE to turn around and run home to him. That text never came and once again I wound up dissapointed.

One day maybe I’ll be able to have these revelations not so far away from home thats onbiously not the case right now. However, that’s in due time. Right now I’m becoming a stronger person. Every time we go through pain, the light at the end of the tunnel proves we are becoming better if we can just hold on a bit longer. Each jouney gets closer and closer to home. I’ve gotten to the point where I guage my pain based on how far away from home I have to be. The first time I ended up 900 miles away. Now it’s just 78. When I get the courage to drive back home, that’s my trophy. Jaques gave me one last gift, I am stronger now and it’s just 78 miles till that trophys mine.