Trump, Cruz, Firiona: Fuck One, Kill One, Marry One?

Several weeks ago, my husband and I, both left leaning democrats for the most part, were standing in our kitchen, refilling our wine glasses on one of our “sit around and drink wine and listen to music and putz around online” nights that we love and don’t get nearly enough of these days.

After quite a bit of discussion on the shit-show that is our current presidential race, there was this very serious moment when we stopped mid-sentence and looked at each other in horrified agreement:

“Oh god…we would both rather see Trump as president before Ted Cruz. Oh god. Did we just say that? But is it true? Fuck. Gross. It is true.”

It was like we had just admitted we would eat human flesh or kill kindergarteners. But it was more of a “we would eat human flesh or kill kindergarteners BEFORE eating the flesh of kindergarteners while they were still alive” kind of thing. Both fucking horrific, the latter scenario is a tad more horrific.

And, as I’m writing this, I’m only marginally convinced that having Cruz as president would be less horrific than eating the flesh of small children. Convinced, but only marginally.

The “glass half full” side of me doesn’t believe we will end up in the nightmare situation with the assclowns that the Republican party has as their frontrunners as our next president, because I have this quiet, child-like hope that REGARDLESS of the noise machine I see on a daily basis screaming “Make America Great Again, fuck your basic human rights, and get those gull darn Muslims back in Mexico where they belong after the Chinese build the great wall of China”, that we will end up with someone from the Democratic ticket.

I still believe either Hillary or Bernie will be the next president, regardless of the “Bernie Bro” types stomping their feet and peeing themselves while shrieking that if they can’t have their Bernie, we get Trump SO THERE! And regardless of all the Clintonfuckery as well; neither democratic candidate is without their fuckery.

Regardless of all of that, I think the prevailing common sense lands in the higher percentage of voters, please let me be right, fucking hell, please let me be correct on this, please baby Jebus, baby Allah, and all the fucking deity skygoblin babies.

Now, I am not a Republican Party basher per se.

I am a “Republican Party as it stands right now with the absolute nightmare that is being pushed into our faces as representatives of the Republican Party while thousands (millions) of reasonable fucking, now mostly former Republican voters are standing by going WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU DONE TO MY PARTY?”…basher.

I feel like the latter-mentioned folks are in the minority now while hate and fear have Borg’d the fuck out of actual human beings devoid of love for the human race, but who knows what will happen after this election. Maybe it’ll revert, eventually, back to a reasonable group of folks who aren’t “the party of embarrassment”.

And maybe unicorns will fly out of my ass. But, I digress…

So yesterday I hear that there’s talk of Ted Cruz naming Carly Firiona as his running mate.

Today I hear that it’s an actual official thing.

Firiona. Crazy fucking Firiona that, even after she was told by people who actually watched the Planned Parenthood Witch Hunt of Fictional Fiction that, no, Carly, the parts you are insisting aren’t in the video aren’t even fucking there. No, they’re actually not. “YES THEY ARE!” Did you watch them? “NO, BUT THEY’RE THERE!”

Carly fucking Firiona, the gay hating, Hewlett Packard killing, rape apologist nut machine with the non-existent approval rating.

OK, ARE YOU JUST FUCKING WITH ME NOW?

YOU’RE FUCKING WITH ME NOW, RIGHT?

Seriously, I feel bad for the cow-eyed republicans that are staying with their sinking ship.

No, I don’t, not really, because anyone with any sense is far away on their life preservers, and anyone left behind is only TRULY there because they’re totally cool with bigotry and hate (redundant). Because they’re love of their Christian rendition of the sky goblin and their guns guns guns is super way more important than gender equality, wage equality, race equality, and any other kind of fucking equality.

And I get that (read: No. I don’t fucking get that because I’m not a horrible fucking human being).

So, I guess, in a way, I do feel sorry for you poor fuckers in the way that I feel sorry for someone who was born with half a brain, no eyes, no ears, and useless licorice limbs. I’m sure you can’t help but be like that. Does anyone CHOOSE to be like this?

But it’s like you’re in a horrible Sophie’s Choice-like situation.

“FUCK. I CAN’T VOTE FOR TRUMP FOR OBVIOUS REASONS….BUT MY OTHER OPTION IS THE FUCKING ZODIAC KILLER AND HIS MORE TERRIFYING VERSION OF PALIN BECAUSE HE THOUGHT PICKING THE WOMAN WOULD BE THE GOLDEN TICKET, EVEN THOUGH SHE’S A DERANGED GARBAGE-PERSON? WHAT THE FUCK. THERE IS NO GOOD CHOICE HERE. PASS! CAN I PASS? I PASS.”

I feel like I’m looking at a horrible version of the game Fuck One, Kill One, Marry One.

“Trump, Cruz, Firiona: You gotta fuck one, kill one, marry one…GO”

“OH MAN….no. Ok, I’m still with the Republican Party, so since I’m male (I’m doing the glass half full thing here where I pretend there aren’t enough women stupid enough to vote Republican to even count them in this scenario, stay with me), so the thought of anyone knowing I would fuck a guy…gotta fuck Firiona. Ok, marry one, kill one. CAN I KILL THEM BOTH? HOW ABOUT ALL OF THEM, BECAUSE I MY GENITALIA HAS JUST FALLEN OFF IN HORROR? WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS AGAIN? I CAN’T PLAY THIS GAME. PASS. SHAVE MY EYEBROWS, I DON’T GIVE A FUCK.”

I don’t know, man…

I mean I get a lot of joy from idiots in horrible situations they’ve created for themselves.

But this is all very depressing.

Because there are enough people in this country…there are enough people in power in Washington DC and elsewhere…

…who created this shit.

Along with that, there are the droves of mouth-breathing hateful slags that have cheered for it.

And, despite my glass being half full…I can’t help but notice that gaping, empty space up top.

Wake me when it’s over.

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